When you've seen what they do behind closed doors

[JenniferSmith]

Long-term NC here, but as I continue to sort out my feelings regarding my mother, I've realized that one of the key issues for me is that I am one of the very few people who has seen what she is capable of behind closed doors. Her rage, control, and physical abuse beginning when I was a toddler.  Those experiences will never leave me, even though I have mostly healed from it (NC was vital).

Due to all those years of seeing that side of her, as I became an adult, I can't view her as anything but fake when I see her with other people - throwing parties, having friends around, with her second husband, with her other family members, and now playing what I call "fake happy grandma" - where she would never do that crap to them. Its like I cannot shake the monster that absolutely terrified me as a child/teen from my perceptions of her as the decades have gone past.

I feel like I am one of the few people who experienced how utterly horrible she can be and I can never unsee it.  It taints my views all these years later still.

I just wonder if others have experienced this aspect with their PD parents (or others). 

[Cat of the Canals]

This came up recently in another topic, but when I tried to explain the difficulties in my relationship with PDmom to my best friend, who I've known since we were 9 years old, she said, "But your mom is so laid back and chill."

No. That's the role she plays for everyone else. Her family gets the domineering, manipulative, emotionally abusive REAL her. She's very careful to not let outsiders see the PD behavior. I've watched her flip the rage or silent treatment on and off like a light switch when the phone rings or a neighbor pops in to visit.

The last time I was around when she was throwing one of her little dinner parties, she'd decided to cook a Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of July in her un-air conditioned house. I walked into the sweltering kitchen, and she was standing over the stove, stirring a pan of gravy. As soon as she realized I was there, she started hissing out a long string of expletives. I was supposed to say, "What's wrong?" or offer to help, thereby giving her a target for the abuse. Someone to unload all of her frustration on. Instead, I ignored it and walked right on by. And when she came out with the food a few minutes later, you better believe she had on a big fat fake smile for her guests.

I was so disturbed by the way she could switch back and forth like that as a child that I once ratted her out to "outsiders." We were going to my grandmother's house, and enDad had the audacity to suggest it was a left turn instead of a right turn leaving the airport. PDmom was appalled that he thought he knew the way to her mother's house better than she did. (He was right, as usual, but that only enraged her further.) When he pushed back, she told him to pull over, she was getting out and she would walk there herself! It was a bluff, but the idea was terrifying to 8yo me.

The nastiness continued the whole hour ride to my grandmother's house, and all I could think about was how when we got there, mom would put on the mask and act like nothing was wrong. The rest of us were expected to go along with the act. When we got to my grandmother's house, I ran to the door, and told her, "My mom and dad are fighting." I just couldn't handle the gaslighting and rugsweeping for one more second.

One of the things that bothers me most about this is that it shows they are able to control themselves, when it suits them. How they treat us is a choice. If it wasn't a choice, they'd lose control and snap in front of other people. Even worse, many PDs seem to "save up" the rage until there's a moment when they can dole out the punishment in private. It's completely sick.

[Aeon]

We may have had the same mother, except for the physical abuse. I am the scapegoat so I was pretty much to blame for everything my mom didn't like. That aside, seeing her smooze with others and make lavish excuses for those she thinks merits it can be, still, a very hard thing to really deal with. A unique feeling of being on 'planet crazy' comes over me when I see her deal with outsiders (so sweet and patient) and then come home and do the usual PD stuff. She does extra cleaning on the day that the golden child has his visit (my brother) and only shows his family photos and cards on display. The worst things are knowing that your own Mom will tell lies about you just to get pity and attention - she did this when I was in high school, saying that she got a call stating I wasn't going to graduate (complete nonsense) and I was amazed at the oceans of tears that came out of her when she needed it.
She does up the "super grandma" thing, too. I thought it was just all about sucking up to the GChild, but, I guess it's just part of the fakey package that they love and will never give up.
I work on not feeling extra persecuted from the idea that no one would ever believe that she is capable of any act of unkindness.

I generally think that living in reality is best, but I might be sold getting a memory wipe for a lot of this if I had the option

[LemonLime]

My PD sib never rages in front of "outsiders".   Or at least I don't think he does.  Last time he raged at me at a family function he waited til all the "outsiders" had gone home, then let loose on me.   Right away.   He looked like a rabid animal, sweaty and red eyes and face.  Shrieking about things new and old.  Very old.  Stuff dredged up from 30 years ago.

I have told very few outsiders because they don't understand and it re-traumatizes me not to be believed.  People think it was simply a disagreement with both sides having some blame.  I have told some trusted friends who directly asked how my "vacation" was.  I told them what happened between my sib and me on my "vacation".  They believed me, I think, because they know him well and although have never seen a rage, they admitted that he has played victim for well......forever.  So I think they could sort of picture the rage (though I'm guessing that if you've never seen a PD rage you really can't do it justice in your imagination).

Part of the maddening thing about PD's is their sneakiness and that they're careful to make plausible deniability.   Stupid they are NOT.
My sib is smart and also CLEVER, and not in a good way.   It's part of the dysfunction.  The acting like it didn't happen, which at its core is gaslighting.
It's creepy to know that a part of my sib knows instictively when to turn it "on" and when to turn it "off".    I wonder if someday he will miscalculate and rage in front of a family friend.  Like maybe family friend is in the bathroom and PD thinks only family is left in the house.   Hmmmm......

[Leonor]

Oh, so this!

Cat, your Thanksgiving in July ( ) story reminds me of a Christmas Eve when HPD mom decided to host her whole family (catered btw.)

I went out to lunch with my then-boyfriend to a crowded local restaurant. I accidentally spilled a little bit of white wine on my shirt but no biggie. I got home and my m was setting the table in a simmering rage. She was furious that I was out instead of helping her ready the house. She hissed something about how I "came home smelling like booze" and when I said something to the effect of, "Mom?" she snapped that she knew alcoholics, she'd been married to two of them (my dad, who had died of liver failure the summer before and my stepdad, who had abused me and assaulted one of my friends.) It was just the nastiest thing I had ever heard I couldn't even begin to tease out all the meanness of it.

Two hours later, Merry Christmas smile smile smile hug hug hug. And later it came out that she *knew* then that her father, seated at the head of the table, had abused her sister when they were young. So here she was, destroying me and celebrating *him*.

So much gentleness to all of us here. The cruelty and sneakiness is horrible, but now we are safe. Surround yourself with love and light today!

Christine Lawson talks about how bpd moms can take a "turn" that is sudden and frightening.

[Cat of the Canals]

I got home and my m was setting the table in a simmering rage.

The "barely contained rage" before parties and events was so ever-present that I didn't even see it as part of the dysfunction. Until my dad made a comment once about how my mother was turning into her own mother. "She makes herself absolutely miserable preparing for something that's supposed to be fun." Note that he conveniently left out the part where she then takes that misery out on the rest of us.

[Sneezy]

Many people with PDs are good at compartmentalization.  We all compartmentalize to some extent.  We have slightly different versions of ourselves, depending on where we are and who we're with - for example, think about how you are when you are at church with your grandmother versus at a party with friends.  We can also set things aside when we need to - think about how you can witness a tragedy on the news that makes you feel very sad and yet you are able to set those feelings to the side and give your toddler their bath and read a soothing bedtime story.

The thing about people with PDs is that they compartmentalize to a degree that most people can't imagine.  They present completely different versions of themselves to different people.  And they can switch between versions of themselves at amazing speeds.  They can also switch their emotions on and off, and fly from one emotion to another.  I have experienced my mom being sullen and nasty, and then she will get a phone call from a friend and she perks right up and acts like the sweetest, happiest person on earth.  She can go from calm to rage in an instant.  And there are many different and distinct versions of my mom.  From sweet little old church lady to the other woman and everything in between.  Back in the day, she could serve you dinner at a church function while arranging a tryst with your husband for later.  It's mind-boggling to me.

Unfortunately, if you aren't NC, then the only way to deal with this type of compartmentalization and mood-shifting is to have really firm boundaries.  Even when things seem ok you have to keep those boundaries and your medium chill going.  Just because you happen to be seeing sweet-mom today, doesn't mean you won't be subjected to miserable-mom tomorrow.  So don't let your guard down and give sweet-mom any info or wiggle room that she can pass on to miserable-mom for later use.

[daughter]

Both my parents were outraged when I confirmed their suspicions that I was "seeing" a therapist.  I was an adult, high-functioning, but then still "dutiful daughter" SG, grossly obedient to their every demand and expectation, and still under their self-entitled iron-fist control.   

They always had zero interest in my well-being.  My parents had intentionally deprived me of parental love, affection, and appropriate care, despite being otherwise seemingly upstanding upper middle class church-going social people.  Child protective services would have intervened, I think now, if someone had called; but I was such a quiet kid, and excellent student, the abuse furtive and discreet.

My parents both feared exposure, even to a stranger unknown to them.  What should have been private, my discussing my life issues with a therapist, was nonetheless deeply offensive to them. Their outrage was candescent.  They loudly demanded that I "stop therapy!!!", complaining I was "telling family secrets".   Note the words, which confirm they knew they mistreated me, felt no regret, and wanted more full denial of truth.

They "accused" me of seeing a therapist; I didn't reference my therapy in any manner, nor had our interactions substantially changed. I had made some very minor pushbacks on inappropriate demands, so they sensed someone had encouraged me to do so.   My parents' reaction revealed to me their true toxicity, and bolstered my decision to "go NC". 

[Boat Babe]

Reading all your stories makes me want to cry. Such malicious toxicity from A PARENT(S).

My mum's only waify/moaning/ draining/ histionic with me. With everyone else she's quite sweet and charming. She used to be much worse, ragegul and deeply irrational but age has muted that side of her. The last time she did a number like that on my young adult son, he didn't contact her for two years. She's learnt not to be that hideous if she want any type of relationship with either of us now.

I don't wish her dead, but will give a massive sigh of relief when she does go.

[Liketheducks]

Yep.....my mother is "the most beautiful woman in the world" to the rest of my family.    My father was an abusive alcoholic.   Funnily enough, I can have LC with him....with some ironclad boundaries around him.   As in, I KNOW he'll never be completely safe - but if he wants to say that he loves me and is proud of me.....I can hear it.   Might not stop looking for some nefarious intent on his part....but I can hear it.   

[Tundra Woman]

How does your experience "taint" your view of her? It informs you as all human experiences do. What others make of her is their business. Take refuge in your knowledge and experience and allow others to do the same.

BTW, "everyone," this amorphous "everyone" is bull shit. No, "everyone else" doesn't believe them as much as they need to believe their own contrived dramatic fictions starring themselves nor do they possess any of their alleged moral superiority. They actually have no standing because they're just not as important as they believe themselves to be and don't you believe that "everyone else says/thinks/believes" them either.