The Perils of Divorce

[Kat54]

People take sides, even long time good friends of me and my ex, our kids all played and went to school together. How I feel right now, kind of a real kick in the gut.
My daughter asked me about our good friends daughter who is getting married about getting a gift for the bridal shower with her. I said what shower? I knew she was engaged but did not know many details other than the wedding date.
She asked if I got the wedding invite and I did not. She said the invite was addressed to the family. They know I moved and don't live there anymore. My daughter was very upset snd felt really bad. My ex and kids are invited, not me. I told it's fine, one less gift I have to buy.
Truthfully it really hurt. I thought we were still good old friends. Guess not. Move on, I know who my friends are.

[Prototypian]

I'm so sorry Kat.   Thoughts and prayers.    You deserve happiness.

[JustKeepTrying]

I am feeling this today.  Your post was very timely for me.  There is a definite line of us/them - almost depending on which person was reached first.  Sad.  I hope that I never did that - but perhaps I did.  I just read a post on social media saying that essentially don't read more into it than you should - they are going through their own stuff, etc.  That's true.  I know there were people that perhaps I snubbed when I was in the fog and unable to see beyond my own needs or that of my kids.  Sad but true.  I don't like what it says about me.

Also hard when a kid takes a side.  Or appears to.  Perhaps they picked up fleas.  Or perhaps they are struggling with their stuff from a lifetime of living with a PD.

This side of everything is hard.  But it is much easier than being married.

Hugs to you

[Kat54]

I'm still trying to figure this out, did I do something, other than get divorced?  After another conversation with my daughter, even my sons girlfriend is invited. I mean we all hang out together on the beach all summer. Meaning the mother of the bride, her sisters, our other mutual friend. I'm completely stunned and hurt.
I'm asking and maybe I'm so naive, are people that judgmental? 

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. I lost many of my friends in the divorce. It was such a shock as they were my friends first and all live in another country so didn't even know my ex well.

He can be very charming and of course some people just love The Drama.

It's very hurtful when things like this happen. I'm sorry.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes it is very painful.  I could accept it when I told myself, they were not really MY friends, they were friends with the role I played in connection with NPDh.

[pushit]

Is it possible they intended for that one invitation to the family to include you?  Maybe, maybe not.  It's hard to know without coming right out and asking them, but I'd hate for you to assume you're not invited, skip the wedding, and then they think you blew it off.

[Kat54]

I reached out to our mutual friend. She confirmed I'm not invited. Reason being they wanted to invite our 2 kids as the kids grew up together and still remain very close, but my daughter didn't have a date, yet they are trying to keep the wedding small, so they invited her with her father. Yet my girlfriend and all their family are invited. Our three families all hung out, skied in the winters all went to the beach together.

What a dumb &47#{^}€!~ many expletives later, excuse.  Low class and yes I get to ex them off my list.

[GettingOOTF]

Is it possible they intended for that one invitation to the family to include you?  Maybe, maybe not.  It's hard to know without coming right out and asking them, but I'd hate for you to assume you're not invited, skip the wedding, and then they think you blew it off.

I feel that sending a group invitation to a divorced couple is worse than excluding one of the parties. I mean they know you are divorced and no longer live together right?

[pushit]

That being the case, I would just move forward and don't give it a second thought.  It sucks, but we can't make others see things differently.  It's best to invest your time into other (better) friends who won't treat you that way.

To echo what the others wrote, that's one of the unfortunate realities of divorce whether or not a PD is involved.  The same thing happened to me, fortunately our friendships were pretty much either hers from before the marriage or mine.  I didn't care much about trying to remain friends with her "people" once we divorced.  Most of the couples friendships we made together fizzled out before the divorce, so there wasn't much drama over who they would choose.

[Stillirise]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I will say, I have noticed an element of some women acting like divorce is contagious.  Some have distanced themselves from me, like it might cause them to reflect on the shortcomings of their own marriages, if they were to actually be honest and open about things!  Maybe there's an element of that, as well. Unfortunately, choosing to stand on your own two feet can be intimidating to some women.  I have chosen to focus on other friendships, that are more supportive and fulfilling.  At least now you know where to turn your attention.

[Kat54]

Yes GOOTF, they know we are not together. They even have my new address.
I'll get past it but it really hurt when my daughter said it was addressed to the family and they know we aren't together. We are still a family in my opinion and I think my ex would echo that. No hanging out or vacations together but holidays, birthdays and yes we all went to a family wedding together in the thick of our divorce.
Some people have a differing view of what a divorced family should be. I'll move on.

[pushit]

I will say, I have noticed an element of some women acting like divorce is contagious.  Some have distanced themselves from me, like it might cause them to reflect on the shortcomings of their own marriages, if they were to actually be honest and open about things!  Maybe there's an element of that, as well. Unfortunately, choosing to stand on your own two feet can be intimidating to some women.

As a man I've encountered the same thing.  Some of my buddy's wives have been a bit cold to me, even though they know the whole story of what happened and were "on my side".  I'm still friends with my buddies, but when I stop by their house the wife isn't very friendly.  I also noticed it in our new neighborhood.  I have established a couple of friendships with the men, but their wives keep some distance as if I could infect their husband with bad ideas.  Sometimes my kids and I don't get invited to things where it's kids and parents, no reason at all to exclude us since the kids are all the same age.  I suspect that if we were a "traditional" married family they would happily include us.  It's sad, more for the kids than me.  I hate to see them miss out on making friends because of it.

It's been a funny observation for me that it seems the wives who are more insecure, and more critical of their husbands (and negative in general) are in the families that don't invite us to things.  Seems to fit the theory that they don't want any light shed on the happiness of their marriage.  There is one couple in particular that seem very happy together, she is friendly to me and we all hang out together no problem.  Not so much with some other families.

I'm sure it's not exclusive to women either.  I would strongly bet there are a lot of insecure husbands out there who would dissuade their wives from hanging out with single moms.

[Kat54]

Pushit, I also have encounter cool vibes from married couples. It's like you have cooties.
On a interesting and sad note, when I first was separated a neighbor came into the market where my sister worked and she was asking how I was. My sister said I was doing ok but it was hard. She burst into tears and was crying and my sister said , she's ok really. But she was crying because she always wished she had the courage to leave her husband as she was so unhappy. But age and health issues with him she said she couldn't leave. She told my sister how lucky I was that I'm starting over.
All of us who have endured an impossible marriage or relationship, leaving and starting over is huge. I'm sure there are so many more people who would leave their relationships.  Marriage and big fancy weddings are so so so overrated. Knowing what I know, older and wiser, single life is awesome and maybe having a solid good partner or friend, I'm all for that.
So, at the end of my day after stewing and being angry I'll let it go and move on, I love my life.