What do you do with the anger?

[Sapling]

I haven't posted on here for a little while as I've been in survival mode, recovering from a toxic job and flatmate situation and am only now starting to feel a bit better. I only really discovered the extent of PD damage in my life last year (including a sibling, close friends, and inter-generational N behavior in our family) and, while I have put boundaries in place and am in therapy, I find it hard to deal with the immense amount of anger I feel about PD siblings, friends, and any PD behavior I now recognize in others. I have a lot of anger about the time I feel I wasted with these people. I have a lot of anger about the senselessness of their behavior and their selfishness, delusion and lack of accountability. When I was in the FOG I truly believed I could explain things to PDs and reason with them and I have come to recognise this tendency as codependent behavior.  I talk to my therapist about it but I still feel a lot of anger.

I am trying to exercise regularly to get the stress out of my body, which is helping. I meditate in the mornings. I journal A LOT. But I am just so pissed off that people can get away with being like this. And sometimes I don't even know why I am so angry. Sometimes I wonder if underneath the anger there is a fear that I will never have my needs met (or something like that). I do not want to be angry like this forever. Does anyone have any thoughts or insights?

[notrightinthehead]

I used to wake up in the middle of the night so full of rage that I could not go back to sleep again.  It felt like it went on for years but in reality it was for a few months.  I wrote letters that I never sent and eventually tore up. Letters explaining why I did not want any contact. I meditated and exercised.  I think I just had to feel the accumulated anger because eventually it just subsided and went.

Your fear of getting stuck in the anger is real, I have met people who have wasted their life being bitter and angry.  Maybe because it is impossible for them to accept what happened and they are stuck in the 'this is so unfair, it should not be like that!' loop. Remember the phases of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression,  Acceptance.  Acceptance that you had a crappy childhood/marriage is the result of hard emotional work.

[Boat Babe]

Notrightinthehead nails it.  I was an incredibly angry young woman after a miserable, lonely, at times terrifying, parentified childhood.  Incoherent rage would erupt with specific triggers. It went on for some years but I didn't have the language or awareness then to deal with it.

Honour your anger as it is a natural feeling after abuse. Use your anger as a springboard and a source of energy to do good things for yourself and others.  Your anger is healthy.

However, it's not what you want to be feeling for the rest of your life, so continue with all the good things you are doing and maybe add one thing. Martial Arts. I did a lot of Kung Fu back in the day and was able to burn off huge amounts of anger in training sessions. (Never ever used the skills outside the gym btw but they gave me huge confidence).

You'll get there 🙂❤️❤️❤️

[1footouttadefog]

I had a lot of anger for quite a while. It was like decades worth of pushed down anger all bubbled up over a period of months.

I realized that I had given and given and sacrificed so. Much of myself and my life and it was not appreciated or valued.

In some aspects of life this was my bad, I had given when It had not been asked of me, mine to own.

But in my marriage, we had both made a commitment and promises to each other and I was morally and socially obligated to operate with in certain parameters.  I did have rights and expectations of my partner.

I decided to own WHT was my fault because f only for the purpose of reducing my load by that much.

I also reclaimed my life moments at a time at first and in bigger ways later and still.

This helped my feel less hollow and nonexistant.  I took time to rediscover me and to then see that my needs were being then care of even if pdh had no concern for them.

I made goals for myself and my future and am working toward them. Pd had no goals aside for what serves him in the moment.

I hope you find away to process your anger.  Anger is a huge part of grieving and when we come Out of the FOG we often hVe a lot to grieve about.  The loss of the relationship we though we had, lost time, lost opportunities, etc etc etc.

Be kind to you as you process this all and embrass the lessons and healing.

[athene1399]

Sapling,

Thank you for sharing. I think anger is a natural part of coming Out of the FOG. I was angry for a long time, but it is mostly gone now.

I am wondering if some of your anger is directed at yourself. Work on being self-compassionate, especially in the way you talk to yourself. PDs are good at stringing people along, so do not beat yourself up. Self-compassion helped me to heal.

Also, just feeling and sitting with the anger helps too. When someone first said that to me, I didn't think it would help but it did. I think often PDs do not allow us to feel anger in the moment and whatever situation we are upset about usually gets turned around on us. I think feeling the built up anger helps it to eventually go away. Which sounds silly, but it worked for me.

I also pour my emotions in my hobbies. I feel that is a healthy outlet for my anger. I get a lot of it out in writing.

[JustKeepTrying]

Sapling,

I am two years out of a 32-year marriage to a OCPDxh.  I have and had a lot of anger.  Still do.  it's natural so own it, feel it, and don't be too worried.  As the others said - it can take over your life and I am sure you know people who can't move on from it.  But seeing as you recognizing that in your post, I believe you will be oK.

How do I handle it?  I wish I could tell you I handle it well but not always.  There have been a couple of drunken nights, here in my home, by myself, when I yelled at him at the top of my voice.  Thankfully my neighbor is deaf.  I have written letters and burned them.  I had a letter party actually - I wrote all the anger out to him and my parents and in one very kind and supportive ceremony burned the letters.  That was very therapeutic.

The anger still surfaces from time to time and in different ways.  It's becoming easier to just ride it and not act on it.  And those waves are decreasing in frequency.

Therapy and especially EMDR therapy were helpful.  I can now look back on those most traumatic times with little to no emotion.  Consider it.  I was abused as a child and sexually assaulted in college.  And then the marriage.  EMDR truly helped process that anger and it has been really helpful.

[Kat54]

Anger is part of the process you go through when placing yourself away from the toxic people. There have been many people in my life who had PD behavior, my mother, my ex husband to name a couple.
It's normal and most people process it and learn to come out of that way of thinking because it's acceptance for what you are feeling toward the people who caused your anger and it will always be a part of your past. My mother has been long deceased by suicide. I could spend every day of my life being mad at her for our traumatic childhood and for her committing suicide and causing me to fall into bad relationships. But In reality I have to take ownership of my life and what has happened. I've learned I'm the only one steering this ship and it's a choice, am I going to be happy and keep moving forward or stay angry and stay in the loop of anger and self pity. It's good that you recognize it and going to therapy, that's half the battle right there.

[Breadroll]

After four years I am considerably better- but exnpdh  has recently started to engage with now adult  child that he refused to support and was vicious to- it is as if all is forgotten - adult child  just thinks I am bitter etc, but doesn't know the half of it- and I can see the process starting... and  my anger is white hot. It's alarming as I see the future cast as successful npdh charming etc, and messes with more people's lives.  I don't know what yo do- ended up expressing it yo adult kid, protect yourself. But I know it looks as I am crazy.   Xnpdh a dangerous, covert type.

[Sapling]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! Apologies for the delayed response but I have been having some bouts of depression recently- that don't last for a long time but mean that I have days at the moment when I cannot get out of bed. And then I'll have a day like today when I feel ok and can do what I need to do. I think these short bouts are also related to the anger I feel. Thank you for sharing your deeply personal stories JustKeepTrying, notrightinthehead, 1footouttadefog, Kat54, and Breadroll.

athene1399, you are right- some of my anger is directed towards myself. I know it is not rational but I sometimes expect myself to know things in advance and I go down this spiral of "if only I had've... [insert something I couldn't really change or control here]". I think PDs also stoke self-blame in conscientious people because its a convenient way for them to avoid accountability (but that's another story).

Thank you all so much for sharing your own experiences and for reassuring me that this is part of the process of separating from toxic relationships and behavior patterns. I am continuing to talk about this with my T, exercise and journal, and I love the idea of getting into something like martial arts, boatbabe.
I do know, deep down, that what feels like the long, hard road to acceptance will be worth it. And I appreciate your support on the way there.

[Sheppane]

Great thread . I am only beginning  to get in touch with my anger. It has lurked beneath my FOG for years.
I find it hard to identify it , often mistaking it for fear.
I notice I hold it very physically.
I have the same question - how to process it. I realise that getting in touch with it is part of coming Out of the FOG and acceptance and I do feel that recently I am feeling more anger as I see reality more clearly which also means I am moving towards more acceptance.

I also think my self worth had to grow enough for me to get in touch with it. I was so used to putting myself last that it never occurred to me I had any anger anywhere. It is an empowering emotion but I too would like to know how to process it without getting stuck in it. I'm trying to see it as my friend , helping me to know what I am deserving of and what was never my fault.

[carnation5]

I think it speaks highly of you to be able to identify anger in yourself. If I contrast this with my NPD ex, he was constantly angry about everything but never once acknowledged it. In fact he kept saying he was a positive, happy person. It always blew my mind how delusional he was about himself. Due to this denial, he was in a perpetual state of anger and irritation that only escalated because he never dealt with it.

Anger is normal. It will happen. The fact that you can acknowledge and label it is a great step towards releasing it.

I can find myself getting really angry about the unfairness of it all. How is it possible for a person like this to walk around in society and even be successful and liked, when he is so callous and mean behind closed doors? It's hard to accept that the world isn't fair and it makes me angry. But anger is a force of action. It is telling me that something is wrong and urging me to act. So in a way it's good that I am angry that the world is unjust, because it means at least I have some moral compass screaming at me. I can't always act on it but the signal is there.

[Empie2204]

I also see the anger as a part of our life, but the one that should not prevail. I think of it as of a storm. There is some thunder and lightning and a shower, but it has its purpose of letting the accumulated bad energy out.
Back when I was living with my h, I used to be angry at both of us: at him for not understanding the  normal things and at me for not succeeding in making our life good. Now I know this was wrong.

Now I am not angry at him any more. I know that he is the way he is.
I am sometimes angry at me for letting myself  be exposed to abuse for so long. I know vaguely that I will be cured when I forgive myself. But I´m not there yet. Until then I will have to accept the occasional anger and treat it as I mentioned above - as a weather phenomenon.

[Andeza]

I've been chewing on this for a while now. I'd like to introduce the concept of what I call the rage monster. And this is going to be a weird post even for me, so you have my apologies in advance as we look into really a very critical facet of who I am as a person. I'm going the phrase it as best I can, but it's extremely complicated and can't really be sugar coated.

The rage monster is the cumulative anger that lives inside me. It is...other. It's not who I am, but it is powerful and lends me that energy when I need it.

The rage monster can be tapped for strength to handle conflict, or a little extra umph to get through a physically challenging activity. I call this draining my reserves. The rage monster can be fed all the irritations and anger that arise from day-to-day life, and it accepts it all happily. 

The rage monster is how I can score two different personality types, by tapping into it or not. But I never stop being me. (No DID here) And while it is not me, it is, in fact, me. There is a switch I can flip, at will, to turn it on or off.

I suspect that many, if not all people, live with a rage monster. But what I do not know is whether they have befriended it the way that I have, or if they understand its potential. 

As it relates to pwPDs, I fed all my anger at the abuse from my uBPDm to the rage monster. I had to, or else when I was a teenager the rage would have consumed me. I did not, at that point, understand that it could be a tool to my benefit. That understanding came much later in life. Do not misunderstand. I have not tamed the rage monster, but it is my friend now.

In truth, there's probably some pretty ridiculously intense compartmentalizing going on here. But this is the peace I have made, and it is the peace I choose to live with. So, I feed my anger to the rage monster, and life goes on. The rage monster transforms that anger into a resource for later use.

Okay, trip down the rabbit hole is over now. 

[Sapling]

The rage monster is the cumulative anger that lives inside me. It is...other. It's not who I am, but it is powerful and lends me that energy when I need it.

The rage monster can be tapped for strength to handle conflict, or a little extra umph to get through a physically challenging activity. I call this draining my reserves. The rage monster can be fed all the irritations and anger that arise from day-to-day life, and it accepts it all happily. 

The rage monster is how I can score two different personality types, by tapping into it or not. But I never stop being me. (No DID here) And while it is not me, it is, in fact, me. There is a switch I can flip, at will, to turn it on or off.

I suspect that many, if not all people, live with a rage monster. But what I do not know is whether they have befriended it the way that I have, or if they understand its potential. 

Andeza! I can so relate. That is one of the reasons I posted this question here. I have lived with the rage monster all my life- unable to express my anger in its fullest as a child with very little power in the home environment or at school or in a culture that devalued me for many reasons which I won't go into here, and then growing up unable to express my rage in the face of greater injustices which profoundly affected me- racism, sexism, homophobia etc and now I wonder if the intense anger I feel towards pwPDs is actually healthy anger (which I'm sure some of it is) or if it has just piled on top of everything the rage monster has already had to swallow. So yes, the rage monster- as you put it- is partly why I am asking this question. I don't always know what is a healthy amount of anger and I'm still trying to work that out. But I agree with you that there is something constructive and transformative and useful that the rage monster has to offer. I'm trying to befriend my rage monster and harness that for good.

[Andeza]

I'm very glad to help. It took me closer to a decade to get it figured out. The key for me being feel the anger, let it flow through and out of my primary thoughts, and let it go to the monster. Anger is okay. It's what you do with it that matters.

[1footouttadefog]

I get angry at times but can get past it quickly most of the time.

I had a period when co. I g oht of the fog where I was pretty angry but I look on it now as a phase of grieving.

Now I find I am increasingly able to emotionally disengage. Better yet I can avoid emotional entanglements to start with.  If I see red flags, I am more able to see the warnings and my heart does also.

By being able to disengage emotionally, I limit my vulnerability towards those who would be harmful
  Lowering expectations is another way to manage hurt and anger. It goes hand and hand with not jumping all in at the start and reducing exposire and vulnerability.

I thi k that many nons who come from PD homes or have a lot of PD folks in their environment growing up can end up thinking enmeshedment is normal and that relationships are all or nothing.

[Jolie40]

sometimes when I remember childhood events from the past, I "rewrite" them as the adult I am

"see" myself as the child but I give me the adult voice to speak up with words like "you had no right to..."
this gives me the chance to speak up now for the little girl who could not in childhood

it channels some of the anger, frustration, fear that I felt at those moments & puts me in control
I voice now what I could not voice then