Sabotaging experiences?

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Dandelion

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Sabotaging experiences?
« on: May 17, 2021, 04:25:04 PM »
I think I remember reading about this in danu morrigan’s book “you’re not crazy it’s your mother”.  Danu gave a couple of possible examples e.g. failing to give you that agreed “lift” to that vital and important interview.

I remembered a few instances of this, around me finding a home to live in.  I needed her to be present for a prospective social landlord on one occasion and she said no.  Just like that, no reason, as no impact on her whatsoever, it was all great and above board and to me felt like the opportunity of a lifetime.  At the time it was so inexplicable to me, a completely inexplicable slap in the face I could make no sense of.  It seemed she never wanted to help me, especially when it counted, or when it encouraged me to be in a stronger position in life (and god knows I needed that).  Even when it cost her literally nothing.

Wondering if other people had these odd experiences? 

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2021, 09:51:30 PM »
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It seemed she never wanted to help me, especially when it counted, or when it encouraged me to be in a stronger position in life (and god knows I needed that).  Even when it cost her literally nothing.

This struck a chord. I don't think PD parents want us to be in a strong position in life. They want us dependent on them (emotionally, financially, etc.), because it gives them power. Pretty messed up, considering I'd say a parent's main responsibility is to teach their child how to become an independent adult.

I've avoided asking PDmom any favors for years. I know there are always strings attached, or she'll find a way to intrude or make it about her. (PDmil is the same.)

When I told PDmom that my husband and I were thinking of moving 1300 miles away (something we were very excited about), she told me, "No. You can't." And then listed off all the reasons I wouldn't fit in here: It's very expensive. And very trendy. (The implication being that I'm trash, I guess.) Then she went to my brother behind my back in full waif mode, literally crying, and asked him, "How do we stop Cat from going?"

So she tried her best to sabotage it by undermining my confidence and stirring up the flying monkeys, but it was wayyyy too late. She was one of the reasons I was leaving, and her reaction only confirmed that I was making the right choice to get far away from her.

But I can promise you that if I had asked her for help: with packing or moving or mailing an important document during closing, she would have found a way to punish me for daring to be independent, whether it was direct sabotage or another helping of her passive aggressive negativity.

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11JB68

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2021, 11:43:28 PM »
I think for them it is fear... Of loss of control and fear of abandonment.
Updm did it to me and Updh does it to ds

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2021, 11:44:27 PM »
Oh, yes. Even the moving thing strikes a chord. We were moving MUCH closer to them, but not nearly as close as we could have. So passive aggressive punishment time. Oh they’re here to help us!!! Except when we actually asked for something. Then it was don’t we realize they have lives?

My mother did directly sabotage my business. She underhandedly badmouthed my product to everyone I had spoken to in my hometown. She wanted me to work weekends at Walmart. She was also very good at devaluation of anything that I was proud of or excited about, such that I very rarely feel proud to this day.

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Dandelion

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2021, 07:33:04 PM »
I’m sad and sorry to hear your stories.  I think sabotage is one of the esp difficult things, because even parents who aren’t “all that” would try to help their grown up children if they could in some small way at a crucial juncture.  Why would you absent-mindlessly, churlishly or destructively opt out of this, with no explanation?  Or else actively do this? 

Anyway, at the moment, after 6 months NC, I feel I am closer with my understanding, and am slowly feeling clearer and stronger.  I’ve also had other exhausting things going on. I’m struggling on, but doing it!

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2021, 09:58:25 PM »
My mother did directly sabotage my business. She underhandedly badmouthed my product to everyone I had spoken to in my hometown. She wanted me to work weekends at Walmart. She was also very good at devaluation of anything that I was proud of or excited about, such that I very rarely feel proud to this day.

This is so horrible. And the fact that she wanted you to work at Walmart is strangely familiar. When my husband started an online business many years ago - which was quite successful - PDmil asked repeatedly, "So when are you going to get a real job?"

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Liketheducks

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2021, 05:32:08 PM »
I love that book!    It came to me at the beginning of my journey.    My FOO did this, but on a covert level.    Mum was frequently intentionally incompetent.....and she is overly competent in all other aspects of her life.   If I needed a lift, she'd be 2 hours late....and it would be my fault....because I didn't give the proper time or instructions.   Didn't happen with my siblings....just me.    Like, her involvement needed to cause a little extra-ness in the drama department.   

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Dandelion

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2021, 02:32:33 PM »
Like the Ducks, yes I do too love that book.  Danu morrigan I think is a wonderful writer; some of her ideas I found v deep, but she has a way of writing that is like meeting a friend in a coffee shop.

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magnetron

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Re: Sabotaging experiences?
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2021, 04:04:17 PM »
My mother was one for sabotaging positive experiences. When I was 15 a friend and I completed an 11 night 450 mile cycle tour. It was an amazing achievement for a pair of 15 year olds and should have set me up for lots of further adventures and achievements as I became an adult. But on the day I returned home, as I was enjoying the afterglow, she asked me about one of the famous viewpoints we had passed. I had actually been overwhelmed by the view, but I hadn't been certain which mountains were which so my response to her question was a bit vague. She used this as an excuse to berate me for not appreciating the view, something there was no justification for whatsoever, and that was that - she didn't take any further real interest in my experiences of the tour and I was left with a nasty memory to associate with it.