Grudge Holding

Started by Nominuke, May 17, 2021, 09:29:57 PM

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Nominuke

I've been thinking about what led me to NC a bit just lately.

Grudging holding seemed to be integral to my nDad's personality. Usually the grudge was against an adult male member (distant cousins/in-laws etc.) of the extended family and it was held on to forever.

For example when I was a child nDad did some construction work for a distant cousin. Cousin's wife wouldn't pay nDad for the work. I don't know why but suspect it was a mix of cousin's wife being PD too and bad workmanship on the part of nDad. Anyway the cousin became public enemy number one with my nDad and he never missed a chance to denigrate him with anyone who would listen. I could understand this is if it continued for 6 months or a year etc., but this continued for ever. Fast forward 20 years and the cousin offered to buy nDad a drink as an "apology" at a family wedding and nDad turned him down flat saying he would never accept something from someone as terrible as the cousin. This was 20 years later and the cousin had divorced his wife that had refused to pay to start with. After the incident nDad spent the next few weeks crowing over the incident and it probably still gives him a warm feeling to this day.

Another cousin was the favorite target for nDad. This cousin had a difficult adolescence. I don't know what happened exactly as it all happened way before I was born. Whenever this cousin was mentioned in the wider family nDad would denigrate him for what ever had happened at the time. Nothing concrete, just this cousin wasn't a great person and had been bad to his own mother. In fact nDad would fixate on this cousin and would often bring him in conversation with the purpose of denigrating him. He would do it with anyone including the cousin's own parents expecting everyone to agree what a horrible person this cousin was. I suspect a little that nDad wished that this aunt had been his mother rather than his actually (PD)mother.

One incident that helped me go NC was at my Grandfather's funeral (nDad's father) this cousin came up to my nDad and offered his condolences and at the same time offered to shake nDad's hand. For me this was a perfect opportunity to bury the hatchet but nDad refused point blank and stated he would never shake hands with the cousin. Later he started plotting how to interfere in cousin's son's life to spite the cousin. Again this was 40 years plus after the events that according to my nDad were justification for treating cousin badly and nDad considered continuing a grudge to be more important than behaving like a normal human being.

This made me realize that he would always hold a grudge against me and set me on a path to NC.

KD5FUL

My Narc Father also holds grudges.  It's amazing, really.

I remember once  a few years ago I asked him why he hated me.  He told me about an incident when I was five years old.  Apparently one of my step siblings told him that I made a deal with her to try to break up the family.

I don't even remember saying it.  I was floored that he would use something like THAT as evidence that I am deserving of abuse and mistreatment.  :stars:

לפום צערא אגרא

A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most.

Thru the Rain

Yes - This!

My uPDM has been a grudge holder my whole life and likely her whole life. She's close to 80 now, so I doubt she'll change.

She has dedicated an amazing amount of energy to nurturing and holding pointless grudges. At this point, many of these grudges are against people who died decades ago. But she loves to trot out her old grievances and cry again like it was yesterday.

The sad thing is - for the most part - none of these grudges were for anything maliciously or intentionally done to her. And many of her complaints are entire falsehoods, made up by her to justify her pity party.

And the best (worst?) part is that she's behaved in the exact same way to other people. She has a long list of complaints about her own mother. When I started saying, truthfully, "My Mom did that too" she was shocked. She's so busy being a victim that it had never occur to her to act responsibly toward her own children.

theonetoblame

when I was in my mid 30's my father stated that he was angry and resentful that I had been spoiled when I was 2. He went on to say, 'but, it's not that I was jealous or anything'.... but I'm sure he was. I expect mother wasn't giving him the attention he needed/wanted as she was 'too focused' on the child they had just adopted. I arrived to their home just before I turned 2 and had nothing but the cloths I was wearing, a teddy bear that I wouldn't part with for my life and a small suitcase. I guess the toys extended family members showered me with was just too much for him to bear  :stars:

blues_cruise

It's nuts isn't it? F always liked to use my birthday to punish me for any perceived slights from months before. The quality of card or gift (or lack thereof) would be based on whether I had been a good doormat or not.  ::)

This behaviour is why I won't reinitiate contact with him on any deep level, because I know he will spend the rest of his days plotting revenge and looking for subtle ways to make me feel like crap. It's just not worth it.
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

Call Me Cordelia

 :yeahthat:

I have said exactly the same about my parents. I know in their minds punishment will be due to me forever and ever.

My mom's still mad at my sixth-grade teacher for crying out loud. And my dad has a grudge against my high school youth minister. Both of which made school and youth group very awkward for me, but they did not care then or now. What mattered is that they were RIGHT and the other people were WRONG and that's what they will bring up to me for the next twenty years.  :stars:

So if that's how they deal with minor disagreements, heck no am I ever going back from NC.

theonetoblame

Quote from: blues_cruise on May 20, 2021, 04:41:33 AM
It's nuts isn't it?

Pretty much, also just sooo basic and immature. Some people never grow to overcome their own trauma and personal issues.