Been NC with GC sister, she had a stroke, dad begging me to call her and help

[Blueberry Pancakes]

First, thank you everyone for being on this forum. I might need to vent a bit, but would like your thoughts on how you would handle this situation in order to keep your equilibrium.   
After a hurtful triangulation at a family celebration three years ago, I went NC with my golden child older sister and VLC with elderly parents. Life has been better than I ever thought possible. However, I know my sister's husband to be a violent man and she has commented about it for several years but always chose to remain.  I believe her life to be quite difficult. Last night my dad was repeatedly calling so I answered. He told me my sister had a stroke and was in the hospital. He was understandably upset and emotional. He told me he knows "I hate her", but he thought I would want to know. I remained gray rock. He started crying. I could not join in the drama. I just said that was very serious news, but was sure that everything would be alright. He told me he wanted me to call her. I said "Well, I guess we'll have to see".       
Dad called again today. The first thing he did was ask if I called my sister yesterday. I said no. He asked if I was ever going to. I hesitated, then he continued to explain that my sister will need physical therapy when she comes home and she will need my help. I said "hmm". He said if I called her she will happily take the call. I remained silent, then he angrily said "she is your sister after all".   
I remained calm and said that I have repeatedly asked him through the years to stay out of things between me and my sister, but he always refuses. I said I am not going to ask anymore, but I am telling you that if you continue to press this I will back off and you will hear less from me. He became angry and said I could go right ahead "and back the GD off". He swore at me. He said they all love me even though I apparently no longer love any of them and don't want be part of the family anymore. I told him I had something burning on the stove and had to hang up.  So, that was it.
My thoughts are I am not going to reach out. I am remaining NC with my sister. If my parents call, I will speak to them and remind them of my boundary as needed. Guilt and obligation are not my motivating factors for contact. I just can't do it. Is there any good way to manage this?  Thanks.     

[Leonor]

Hi Blueberry,

Oh, I commend you for handling this wonderfully.

In fact, I would encourage you to remain even safer in your boundaries. It's not ok for your dad to vent at you. Once you sense the upset coming on, time to go -- because, as you know, first comes niceness, and then guilt ... with anger and hostility right behind.

You are nobody's punching bag. You are not an emotional dumping ground.

"Hm, that sounds difficult, dad. Well, I have to go."

"I'm sorry that's how you feel, dad. Well, I have to go."

Hang up.

Then do something just so ridiculously kind and compassionate for *you.*

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. First off, it sounds like you handled that call beautifully. Well done at staying calm in the face of that stressful interaction. 

Three years NC and "I know you hate her," to expecting you to help her with her physical therapy? A very intimate undertaking. Seriously? And then swearing at you followed up with "We all love you"? So which is it? You can back off or we need you? Talk about your push-pull. I have whiplash reading about it.

I had an analogous experience with my youngest sister. The rapidity of the love bombing followed by total discard, once it was clear unlimited free sibling services were not available. Except in your case it's by FM (I presume). Certainly triangulation of some sort. Which is the behavior you went NC over.

I'm astounded by the contradiction between stated feelings and expectations/actions. Your father says you hate her but expects or at least has the goal of getting you to help her. A LOT. Your feelings are evidently not real to him. He says they feel love for you, and yet his actions are the opposite of loving. Verbal abuse, guilt-tripping ("You don't love us,") repeatedly ignoring your boundaries. He also gets to claim love based on his belief alone, and at the same time based his belief in your lack of love on your actions (ie not doing what he wants). What hypocrisy!

You probably didn't need this depth of analysis, but if it helps you keep your equilibrium, you certainly won't find anything approaching balance in your father's opinions. Egads.

Keeping NC with your sister seems reasonable. I am questioning the wisdom of "reminding" your parents of your boundary. It's clear your dad at least is well aware of it. I liked the exit strategy you employed, and I think it would be reasonable to employ it well before the conversation devolves into a circular abusive one. Or maybe give yourself a set time after boundary-tramping before you will accept another call. Backing off, just like you said. Just a couple of ideas I've seen people employ on here.

Leonor posted while I was writing, and I clearly agree with her!

[doglady]

Hey Blueberry Pancakes

You handled that beautifully. It couldn’t have been done better. And boy, your father did not like it. This has also been my experience too with my FOO, particularly around the issue of health - like, pretty much word for word!

They act as if all things will be swept under a rug and you’ll toe the party line and comply. They hoover and love bomb, whenever they need something, never at any other time, and when you keep your boundaries and say No, they then immediately zoom to name-calling, scapegoating and full-on rage. It’s all very black and white, with no shades of grey at all.

I agree with everything Leonor and Call Me Cordelia said. Keep up the great work, and keep doing what you’re doing, because I don’t think you’ve heard the last of this. We are standing in solidarity with you. Best of luck and let us know how it turns out.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Lenore, Call Me Cordelia and Doglady - thanks. Your comments feel like a miracle.     

I do appreciate your analysis. It makes me feel heard and like what I am feeling is alright. Sometimes it is difficult to know whether I handled it well or not. I mostly gauge that if I feel peaceful, I must be on the right track.   

[wisingup]

Wow, you sound so strong!  Well done indeed.