Npd ex

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Gemmaxx

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Npd ex
« on: May 20, 2021, 01:05:44 PM »
I say ex... but this would look more like a current relationship  to the outside world. About  4 years ago I began a relationship with a girl who has a diagjoais  of bpd... this was probably diagnosed becauee  of her self harming behaviour...we were on and off  and split up about a year and a half ago... but since then there is a pattern...she  currently lives with me in a 1 bedroom flat. I assure myself I wont become hooked in...but I always do.. she charms me and I want her all over again. I notice how she uses hoovering techniques but I cant stop them from working on me it seems (any advice with this ?) It comes to a point where she talks about being together...I begin agreeing and then she blows cold.  Shes even talked to me about how she cant do monogamy (which I know because I've watched her have multiple relationships that ussually are short lived over the past few years). She suggested maybe just talking to girls online could give her the validation she needs... when she gets in a new relationship  where the person doesnt know her its like she has a mask up...shes lovely and plays victim to an extreme extent...either the person cant stand how full on she is or rhw person becomes obsessed with her and she gets bored.
She always falls back to me ... I've noticed how she uses self harm often during arguments and has either blamed me or another person afterwards....the self harm can be very extreme and very in your face at time...
She says she does this when in rage to avoid hurtin other people...
A lot of her behaviours seem very narcisstic  but I often sit back and wonder if I'm the person who's narcisstic...because I have used manipulation  at times to keep on top of the situation so it goes the way I want...eggshells perhaps.
I have a strong fear of abandonment and this has been used against me quite often...it prevents me from leaving. She says she will get a flat but I think she will stay here until I kick her out...
I love her so deeply and want to care for her and help meet her needs. Whilst also trying to care for myself which can be difficult at times.
I've recently told her it has to fall one way or the other ...we either give things a proper shot or we dont... playing this middle area is too much and I cant see where it will end becauee she always comes back to me.
When you have abandinment issues and love someone who possibly has NPD  doss anyone have any advice ?

And the rage in people with npd...has anyone witness a person eyes almost switch off ..like the rage is psychotic almost ?
I'm constantly doubting myself that 5his person is narcisstic...mainly because she has so much pain she openly shows ...and because I'm very much into self awareness... she has moments where she will say shes narcisstic ...it passes quickly ...but I dont kmow if this is just her showing me she can be deep ....so mirroring...keeps me around.

I just need someone to talk to really. Because the pain the situation causes me is so intense ....and just when I  feel ready to move  forward ...I'm hooked again....hooked on the intense sex which is often dominant/submissive role playing...hooked on caring for her...hooked on loving her unconditionally...hooked on meeting her needs

I try so hard to just be her friend because  I feel sa for her as she says  people can never just be her friend  and I understand her constant need  for attention and validation especially sexual...  but I just can never manage to just be her friend...when she talks about other people (which is  a regular occurence ) it breaks my heart and I feel I have to suppress all my feelings. I've recently told her I can be around her and the people she dates which she said is possessive and i understand where shes coming from ... but i also want to protect my own heart.

I feel so stuck.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2021, 01:20:21 PM by Gemmaxx »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Npd ex
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2021, 04:54:41 PM »
Welcome Gemmaxx! Sounds to me like you are in a relationship - just not a mutually supportive, healthy one where both can grow.  What you describe is more of a push pull relationship.
Please read the toolbox and start applying the strategies. And do you have support in real life? Counselling? Therapy? A self help group?

I am sorry you feel so stuck.  Many of us on this forum have been there. Please also read the posts of others and you might find a lot of similarities. You are not alone. We understand. See you around on the boards.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Npd ex
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2021, 06:17:10 PM »
Welcome!

Quote
I assure myself I wont become hooked in...but I always do.. she charms me and I want her all over again. I notice how she uses hoovering techniques but I cant stop them from working on me.

If I read this correctly, you have already made the decision that you do not want to be in a relationship, do not want to be attracted to her, you believe she cynically manipulates you, and you do not want to respond to her attempts to draw you in. You consider her your X. So it sounds like you know exactly what it is you want to achieve: you want to have a relationship with a healthy person who will not prey on your own abandonment issues. In conflict with that, if I read you right, you also want to care for her and help meet her needs.

You can do both.

Our Toolbox will tell you about the 50% Rule, which is that we each of us is responsible for half of what goes on in a relationship. And the 51% Rule, that you must always take just a little more care of yourself than you do for others. On the face of it, since you've already decided you do not want to be with this woman, I think it is time to sit down with a friend and make a plan to get out from under her: you'll need a place of your own away from her; you'll need hobbies and friends away from her; and you'll need to seek a kind and loving romantic partner. Your friend will work with you to ensure you move out within just a very few weeks. He'll make sure you stay busy and never invite her to your place or go to hers: because that's how people behave when they make the decisions you've made. And he'll help you open your heart to new relationships.

When you have cared for yourself and are happily taken up with a new lover and friends, you'll be able to reach back and care for this ex. You can be her friend, and can treat her with care and respect. You'll be able to do it better than today: the strong arm lifts the weak, after all. You'll be able to invite her to meet in safe social groups, to include her in such groups, and coach her. And you can do it from within a strong new relationship. You'll never do it alone, though, at her place. Because you've made a plan to respect your own decisions. And you've decided you do not want to be hooked, or affected by her hoovering.

You can do this. Welcome to OOTF.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2021, 06:20:26 PM by Starboard Song »
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Gemmaxx

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Re: Npd ex
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2021, 03:29:35 PM »
Thank  you for responses :)