Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.

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Yoyocait

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Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.
« on: May 20, 2021, 05:13:00 PM »
I really need your help and understanding.
Iím struggling a lot in my relationship. I feel like my needs arenít even considered most of the time and every time I ask for a certain level of accountability it ends in an episode. This means I have to drop my feelings in order to meet his needs

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Starboard Song

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Re: Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2021, 05:56:15 PM »
Welcome to OOTF. You are in the right place.

Start at the Toolbox, to read What To Do, and What Not To Do. There are also a lot of descriptions of the sorts of personalities that bring us here. Don't focus on diagnosing your BF. What matters is seeing the strong pattern, and learning -- or deciding -- what to do about it.

We work very hard here to realize we don't know the details of someone's situation, and so we don't give strong and direct advice. But I'd like to put this bug in your ear for your consideration as you read. You believe your boyfriend may have a borderline personality disorder. It is not the case that we have romantic relationships with most people, only weeding out the bad apples. Instead, we have romantic relationships with almost nobody, when you think about it, selecting only a handful of people in our lifetime, and always because they are great people who make us feel great. We reject scores of people who are attractive, kind, and funny. Maybe it was just bad timing. Maybe we were already in a relationship. Sometimes we just aren't feeling it.

I encourage you right away to find a FOC friend in real life to talk to. Share your observations and feelings. Compare notes. Discuss the Toolbox. Ask "is this a relationship I should invest in? And why? Would I be predictably happier if I were with someone who didn't have a personality disorder?" These aren't easy questions. But a good friend -- one you trust -- can help you answer them. They are hard to even ask. And who knows the answer? You may decide to move on with haste. Or you may come out with firm resolve that this is a man worth the fight: he's just that good and important.  Either answer is respectable. You owe yourself, though, the serious inquiry. And a good friend by your side will keep you honest on whichever path you choose.

Welcome!

Be good. Be strong.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2021, 05:57:55 PM by Starboard Song »
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Yoyocait

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Re: Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2021, 06:44:55 PM »
Thank you for the quick and thoughtful reply. I already feel like Iím in the right place.

I thought Iíd add a bit more background to my situation

I love my boyfriend deeply.
50% of the time Iím in a healthy and loving relationship.
The other 50% of the time itís exactly how imagine hell to be.

My Boyfriend has been formally diagnosed with BPD. At present itís manifesting every 48 hours ( some weeks itís less)

Something that is acceptable to him one day, wonít be acceptable the next.

I am constantly walking on egg shells in my relationship.
The slightest critique can cause 24 hours of insuffao behaviour.
Usually this starts with an over reaction to something very small, nasty name calling, blaming me for everything negative in the relationship. Saying I have anger problems, saying Iím verbally and physically abusive (For clarify Iím not physically abusive, but I have raised my voice in temper when Iíve lost control) he will then drink till he is intoxicated, something which really upsets me, heíll storm out of the house in the middle of the night and do many inconsiderate things causing me to lose a full nights sleep a couple of times a month.
I understand lockdown is hard and it affects people in different ways but this is becoming so difficult for me.
The relationship is incredibly unstable, he breaks up with me twice a week, he has been found on dating apps by my friends and when questioned about this refuses to see any wrong doing as ďwe were broken upĒ - we werenít. We never are. He says this all the time in order to hurt me.
Every time I seek some form of accountability from him, it ends in another long episode which forces me into letting him take the place of Ďvictimí over me.
I am so desperately upset. I feel unloved, like Iím not a priority and like I canít make this work.

I really want to make this work. But I donít know how. I donít know anybody I can talk to with lives experience that wonít judge me or him for something that for most part is out of his control.

I

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Starboard Song

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Re: Boyfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder.
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2021, 07:04:11 PM »
You've come to the right place to find out how. People do it.

Check out the Committed to Working On It board, and we'll see you around.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward