PDParents and Cooking

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yellowdaisy

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PDParents and Cooking
« on: May 20, 2021, 09:11:15 PM »
My uPDMom never taught me how to cook, the most would be "helping" with cookies when I was a small child and then stirring gravy or placing biscuits on a tray when her boyfriend would visit (she just HAD to cook a huge breakfast whenever he came over, but then for us kids it was poptarts and fending for ourselves when she would spend the night at his)

In the passed few months her new favorite thing is to tell me I need to start cooking more. Even though she hasn't been to my house at all since covid started last year. She has zero idea what I cook or what I do.  I don't enjoy cooking anyway. Probably because I was never properly taught. But I do okay considering. It's not like we order fast food every day.

The last phone call we had she said again that I need to start cooking more, and I told her DH and I have been grilling a lot this summer and told her what meals we've been making. She then goes, "Well, make sure you are careful. You better make sure you turn off the gas."

There is no winning. She tells me to start cooking more (for whatever reason?), I tell her what I've been cooking, totally disregards that she's wrong and that I DO cook and instead then insinuates that I am not capable of working a grill, as if I am a child. And then it will be the same scenario next time we talk.

Anyone else's parents like this with cooking? Is it a control thing? (I'm sure it is) It is so weird and annoying. It's driving me bonkers and I don't know how to handle it so advice is appreciated.

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yellowdaisy

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2021, 09:16:38 PM »
I also just realized I think her telling me to cook more is actually causing me to want to cook less. I've always wanted to learn to cook more things, but I don't want her to think it's because she's telling me to do it. (I know what other people think is none of my business though)

It's just so weird because DH and I got a cook book to start learning new recipes, and it was just shortly after that she started in with this "you need to cook more" thing. Like, does she have cameras in my house? (kidding... :unsure:) And now since she's started in with this, I have barely picked up the book to learn anything. Ugh.

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Andeza

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2021, 09:42:19 PM »
Infantilizing. Making you feel like a helpless baby/child that can't do anything, and certainly can't possibly know as much as she does! :doh:

Best advice? Ignore her. She asks about cooking don't even answer, just change the topic. She pushes, "That's our business, thanks," change the topic.

As far as cooking goes, I'm sure you're great! Don't worry about it or stress over it. Learn more if you want or keep doing what you're already doing. She doesn't get a vote.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2021, 09:58:26 PM »
My mom likes to imagine that she knows what I do with my life.  I think she has all kinds of stories in her head about what I'm up to.  I feel like your mom has a story in her head about how you never cook, and that story has absolutely nothing to do with your life. 

You don't have to correct her with her stories.  You can just go about your business and cook as much or as little as you want to, and let her imagine how you live this sad life eating nothing but corn dogs and animal crackers or whatever. 

Now I want some corn dogs and animal crackers. 

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SparkStillLit

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2021, 10:57:33 AM »
My mom has an OBNOXIOUS story about my life. She taught me to cook, but I never didcit right. There is a story floating around here about the joke between myself and YA DD, what she did to both of us "you're not stirring correctly!!! Let me show you!". DD wandered by me in the kitchen when I was baking something and came out with that, and we collapsed in laughter.
Anyway, I cook, but I don't enjoy it, it's a task. My mom has this annoying story in her head about how I don't fix meals for my family and we have never sat to eat together. It's a WHOLE BIG THING. She pounces on it randomly at any little comment, and inserts snide remarks or questions whenever possible.
One of the MANY reasons I rarely have voice conversations with her these days. She reads text & email, but won't respond in kind. It spares me that crap, and she can't do it in vm. Nobody to respond to.

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Hazy111

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2021, 11:12:11 AM »
No, never taught anything practicle . That way i might grow up and become God Forbid "independent " ,

Also as my mother was most probably a UBPD hermit type (paranoid) she thought we would all die if she didnt cook everything to death and never had "takeaways" in case of imminent death from undercooked/badly prepared food.

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Boat Babe

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2021, 02:13:42 PM »
My uBPDmum is French and I am a competent cook who likes to cook for friends. Everyone assumes that I learnt from my mother. Hahahaha I tell them.

Mum hated cooking and embraced convenience food with religious fervour. She also has some very wierd habits round food, none of which are based on accepted practice, science or what tastes nice. The following story should be in batsh*t crazy:

We are coming up to my annual Xmas visit. Given my mother's aversion to cooking, I offer to do the whole thing, gladly. Oh no, we can't have that as I'll get the kitchen dirty. She then says she'll buy lots of frozen party food. Ok, whatever Mum! On Xmas morning, I ring to say happy Xmas and I'll be there in a couple of hours (long drive).  Oh she says. I switched the fridge off by mistake last night and have thrown out the food as it's not safe to eat. Gargh .....  I had to buy last minute, crap  food at the motorway shop. That was another wonderful Xmas.
It gets better. It has to.

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Tundra Woman

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2021, 04:46:06 PM »
And this is exactly why we don’t “go home” for the Holidays. It never occurs to us  where ever we are presently geographically located? THATS “HOME.” And no, we absolutely do not have to go anywhere or invite ANYONE over for a shared meal. Ever.

When we learn how to cook (if you can read, you can cook-it’s not rocket science) they denigrate our food along with our homes, our efforts are never quite “right” or enough or they simply sabotage us by not having the food etc., so we show up for a holiday meal they *insisted* we intend....and there isn’t any. We “have to” rescue aka cater to their whims once again and shop, purchase and prepare a last minute meal.

All at our expense-in every way.

You have a home. This is where you cook and spend your holidays in peace without anyone throwing a tantrum, stalking away from the table in disgust (over what who knows) locking themselves in a bedroom/bathroom while sobbing etc.

You are not “allowed” to eclipse them in any way-including making a meal because it takes the attention off them for a hot second. All of their references are to themselves: It’s “my house,” “my kids, “ “my kitchen” all of which is in service to the great “I” or “me” or “mine.”
And of course, it’s always “MY KITCHEN.” Where they make liberal use of frozen food, microwaves, pretend making a meal is simply a huge, unobtainable goal for you because “you don’t know how to cook.” It doesn’t matter you are a wonderful cook and baker: All’s that does is make them ridiculously jealous and furious.

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Amadahy

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2021, 07:34:20 PM »
Nmom wouldn't teach me to cook, so her mom (also pd) taught me, probably out of spite to Nmom. I'm a good cook, but to hear Nmom"s version, I'm not.

I find a good answer to an outlandish statement is "hmmmm.". Then go on to another topic.  😊
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Boat Babe

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2021, 09:28:04 PM »
Nmom wouldn't teach me to cook, so her mom (also pd) taught me, probably out of spite to Nmom. I'm a good cook, but to hear Nmom"s version, I'm not.

I find a good answer to an outlandish statement is "hmmmm.". Then go on to another topic.  😊

Hey A. Reading this I am thinking of a recent post of yours and wondering if there is a connection. Forgive me if I am wrong or out of line.  ❤️
It gets better. It has to.

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Amadahy

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2021, 10:23:05 PM »
Boat Babe,
You are not wrong or out of line.  Food is one messed up topic in my world and I'm still teasing it all out. 

Yellowdaisy, I just had a giggle thinking about one possible response.  That 70s show always had a character fake-cough or fake-sneeze a dig when another character bugged them.   Like "cough-narc-cough." This is totally not helpful, just sometimes we have to laugh. 😉

:bighug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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yellowdaisy

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2021, 05:33:57 PM »
Thank you everyone for your replies, and for giving me a bit of a chuckle along the way. Since posting this and reading through your experiences, I've realized I've gotten sucked back into the FOG. I was thinking of my uPDM as if she is non-Pd and that's why this bothers me so much. I've taken another look at the Toolbox with Grey Rock and MC. I need a refresher. I've been sad for a few days, rediscovering that M is PD, but now I think I am starting to feel hopeful that I can become confident around her, with strong as steel boundaries. Thanks again.

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magnetron

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2021, 09:57:11 AM »
My mum wasn’t too bad with helping me learn how to cook when I was 16-17. But there was one incident which soured all that forever. I had found a recipe for making pizzas in a frying pan using self-raising flour in the dough. I was becoming quite good at making pizzas that I enjoyed eating myself. One day my mum decided that I should make these pizzas for the whole family for dinner that night. I said I didn’t want to as I wasn’t ready, I was still practicing. She dismissed that and basically coerced me into doing it – I now realise that I knew at the time that if I said no she would first guilt trip me and then become angry and abusive.

So later on I start making the pizzas and while I’m doing so my dad returns from work. I had until that day been guessing the amount of dough to make, it hadn’t mattered if I made the wrong amount as it was only for me. But I became worried that I hadn’t made enough for everyone, so I made a second batch of dough, which delayed things. I then found that the olives in the jar my mum had given to me for the pizzas still had the stones in them, so I spent some time pitting them.

I would have been about ready to start cooking when my dad charged through to the kitchen, really angry that he didn’t have his dinner yet (he would never have done that if my mum had delayed serving dinner, he loved bullying children though). I told him about the dough and pitting the olives, he dismissed this out of hand, shouting that he’d have been happy to have olives with the stones in on the pizza (something I’m quite skeptical about), he didn’t acknowledge either the overall effort I was making or the fact that I was pitting the olives for the comfort of him and the others. He then buggered off back to the lounge.

My mum would have heard all of this, and she would have been aware that it was very upsetting for me. But she didn’t acknowledge that at all, nor did she acknowledge that she shouldn’t have coerced me into the situation in the first place. I think my dad probably did grudgingly thank me for the pizza once it was eaten, but as with every other incident of its kind he completely failed to acknowledge any fault on his part.

My mum was overall by far the more dishonest and toxic of my parents, but my dad was the more aggressive one in this incident. I still believe though that she really betrayed me here. I pretty much never made those pizzas again, certainly not in the family home.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2021, 09:59:20 AM by magnetron »

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Bothar

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #13 on: June 06, 2021, 11:43:03 AM »
My NF was always strange about food too. Very pickey about particular foods. Would have a hissy fit if he found a pea in his meal. Scrunch up his nose in disgust over silly things....but it had everyone on edge about his likes and dislikes esp my poor Mom. When I was nine, I found a bag of sweets hidden behind an ornament on our piano. Being a kid, of course I ate a few.  A few days later my NF called a family meeting. Lined my 2sis and 1 bro up and stood there like a demon while my mom delivered the speech. It went something like....'your father is very upset that someone stole sweets. He doesn't even want to know who it us because he he just so disgusted with that person. The culprit is to confess to me as Dad cant bear to loom at that culprit'. The hilarious (not) part was that my sibs stood there completely confused while I stood there with tears rolling down my face. No guess as to the culprit. In therapy it realised that that one incident traumatised me forever regarding NEVER offending my Dad.  I also became quite paranoid about dishonesty in general and can still be OCD about it...like fretting if I tell a lie white or fear ill be found out or accused of something (dont know what exactly but that feeling is there). I can't imagine putting the fear of God into someone over a few sweets. Not rational....that's the nub of it.

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Jolie40

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2021, 02:28:10 PM »
we used to invite PD parent/family over for dinner when in-laws visited

they'd ask what I was cooking & one time it was chicken
PD parent brought own food over claiming "no longer ate chicken" -a lie
another time brought own food over claiming "on a diet" - another lie

no idea what that was all about!?

« Last Edit: June 06, 2021, 02:35:49 PM by Jolie40 »
be good to yourself

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Mathilda

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #15 on: June 09, 2021, 03:18:58 PM »
Ah yes, the food thing. Whenever I visited my parents and went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee she always asked 'Did you check if there's water in the machine?' and 'Did you put coffee in the machine?' 'Are you sure?' Every.bloody.single.time. For years. Apparantly she thought I'm too stupid to make a cup of coffee. The most funny part is, I had exactly the same coffee machine in my own home.  :upsidedown:

She never taught me how to cook and she would never let me help when she was cooking. Learned how to cook from books and the internet. She only cooks simple meals, vegetables, potatoes and meat. Nothing wrong with that, but she's always fishing for compliments afterwards.
'How did it taste you?' 'Yes mom, it was delicious'.
I only cooked for them twice in my whole life. Pretended she had to throw up at the bean dish with minced meat I made. My dad loved it. She did kind of like the pasta I made, though.

But yes, it sounds familiar. And I agree it's all about infantilizing.

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athene1399

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #16 on: June 09, 2021, 03:39:58 PM »
Not with cooking, but whenever I tell M I am doing x activity she always will say “make sure you don’t do y or z will happen”. And she gets this weird tone like she’s fearing the worst even though it’s something even a child would know not to do. As someone said earlier in this thread, it’s infantilizing. I always feel like she’s insulting my intelligence and capabilities. My sis does the same sort of thing to me. It is so annoying.

I just helped my family with a physical laboring activity and after I told sis how I was going to help, she proceeded to tell me how I was incapable of it. Then when I said I was, I heard “are you sure you can do x? I really don’t think you can…” then when M came over and heard my plan I had to listen to it all over again. By the way, I completed the activity with no problem. It just stirs up a lot because I have had to listen to how incapable they see me as all my life.

Sorry for the rant. I didn’t see that coming lol

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chowder

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Re: PDParents and Cooking
« Reply #17 on: June 12, 2021, 11:11:08 AM »
When I used to ask M to show me how to cook, she let me open the jar or can for her.  That was it.  She also never taught me any life skills, finances, etc.  Then she didn't like it when I became so independent later in life, and could not be happy for my accomplishments.  Oh, well.  You learn to move on and be true to yourself regardless.