Trying so hard not to be affected

[Bunnyme]

I know.  I KNOW everything he says is a lie.  I knew he told me another lie 2 days ago.  I basically got confirmation today, and I still feel so angry.  I'm waiting to get to the point where I can blow such things off.  I have been getting better, but i actually got confirmation from a well intentioned person (who should most certainly know better) while being told how great he is doing, how far he has come, blah, blah, blah.    This comes after a week of hearing several people taking pity on him, buying his bs....  it is just so frustrating and exhausting.

I also just have this horrible feeling.  I cant express it to anyone without sounding completely overdramatic, but I feel like he is either going to do something to himself and/or me.  He hasnt been physical with me before, though I've seen him RAGE and break stuff.  My fear is that, with all of his lies upon lies upon lies, he will go into a narcissistic rage to protect his image.  I know he played his parents for money.  If he actually has to hand over the records we asked for...it could expose his web of lies.  I know I sound paranoid...I'm just hoping he settles. 

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are in a state of high alert, hypervigilance - which is a normal reaction after experiencing trauma. You have experienced multiple traumas over a long period from what you told us.  You might be suffering from c-PTSD.  No wonder that you feel so anxious and suspicious all the time.  It might really help you to find some quiet time for yourself when you don't think of him at all.  Can you download some Anxiety meditations that are short, 5 - 10 Minutes maybe, and do them several times a day?  Just to give your mind a break. It helps me tremendously. 

[Bunnyme]

Thank you.  Relaxing is definitely hard for me.  I've been trying to take more walks.  Thankfully, it isnt a paralyzing fear.  When everything first went down, I would actually panic at noises in the house and such.  This is just a bad feeling that is sort of in the background.   With his history, the self harm fear is not a stretch.  And my logical side says it is a very remote possibility, that im just doing what "normal" people do in a divorce...that this isnt my fault.  It is hard not to let those bad feelings creep in now and then, but it was actually very helpful just to get those thoughts out. 

[Boat Babe]

I don't think your fear is necessarily misplaced, given what we know about PDs. Please put everything you can in place to protect yourself as better safe than sorry. Then you can work on bringing your cortisol levels down. And try not to sweat what he is telling third parties. That's something  out of your control right now, wrong though it is.

Sending courage and love.

[square]

I take your fear seriously. What precautions can you take for yourself?

As for fears he will self harm... I hear ya. If I leave, this will be a major, major risk.

[JustKeepTrying]

Bunnyme,

You are in that risky period after a separation.  It's valid that you are worried about retaliation or self-harm.  All the tips here are excellent.  Also, consider journaling.  I journaled and did the brain dump before bed.  I wrote every fear, thought, and vile evil thing that happened without hesitation onto paper.  It helped to purge those thoughts in a safe way.  If you need, write a letter to yourself on here - if you feel the need to reach out and get support.

Please please please make sure you are in a safe place.  Take all the precautions you need and don't feel guilty about it.  You aren't paranoid.  As I said, this is the riskiest time.