The mask hasn’t just slipped. It’s gone and might as well be burned

[Seven]

So recap:
uNPDm is in memory care unit in sunny state with  the unofficial diagnosis of Lewy Bodies dementia (because symptoms). Her mental capacities are getting worse daily, and when I say worse I mean really bad.  This isn’t just ALZ..this is hallucination, delusions, etc.  She has a neuropsychiatrist.

Last week it was another meltdown in the dining hall where Sis2 had to be called again. I forget what it was over.

Yesterday, though...yesterday took the cake.  Another meltdown and the head nurse for the entire facility had to call Sis2, who of course had to drop everything and run over there.  We get the group FB messenger text that she’s headed over there.  Moms having another huge meltdown.  Don’t know what it’s about yet.  FB messenger group video chat followed that I could not get to in time.  So I finally get ahold of Sis2 and she explains over speaker phone to DH and myself.

Here’s how it went:  Head nurse and uNPDm are walking the hallway when Sis2 shows up and M SCREAMS “YOU LYING B*STARD!” At first everyone thought she was yelling it at the nurses, including the nurses. The nurse tried to explain this is your daughter.   Sis2 takes off mask, see mom it’s me Sis2. “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  YOU'RE A LYING B*STARD! I WANT MY SONS. YOU TOLD ME MY SONS WOULD BE HERE TODAY,  YOU LYING B*STARD!” and “YOU'RE STEALING MY MONEY!  I WANT MY MONEY!”

So Sis2 tries to explain, “no, here it’s on the calendar.  They’re coming next weekend” (along with myself, DH, and DS1.  Very large family party planned) “YOU CHANGED IT ON ME.  I KNOW HOW YOU ARE. YOU'RE A LYING B*ASTARD” and. “No Sis4 is in charge of your money.  I make more money in a year than you have in the bank. What do I need your money for?” so Sis2 gets Sis4 on Alexa speaker.  Sis4 says “mom I’m in charge of your money, not Sis2.  She didn’t steal your money” “YOU'RE BOTH IN ON IT TOGETHER! I KNOW HOW YOU ARE” and a whole conspiracy about Sis2 taking her money and transferring it to Sis4 and they’re all in on it together.  Now, mind you, she is literally screaaaaming this in front of nurses, etc “I DON’T HAVE DAUGHTERS.  I WANT MY SONS” over and over and over again.  What makes it worse?  She finally nods off in her chair but still mumbling “I don’t have daughters.  I want my sons”. and “I just want Him to come and take me” assuming she means God, which I mumbled under my breath “or Satan”. Banishes Sis2 from her coming to see her again, says she will never go visit Sis2 house (literally 2 blocks away), that everyone will have to come visit her there. On the way out, Sis2 stops at the nurses office and explains, “this was my life growing up.  You’re dealing with a very narcissistic lady.  This is not new behavior” and basically peaced-out.

So of course in the family after-chat Sis4 keeps telling Sis2 not to take it personally, she’s not in her right mind, etc etc. basically invalidating Sis2 feelings.  Me personally, I get the whole delusion of changing the dates on the calendar maybe not taking personally, but the name-calling and financial abuse accusations, and worst of all the “l don’t have daughters I want my sons” on repeat and especially in her sleep...that one is pretty difficult not to take personally (at least for me).  That’s not the disease talking.  That’s everything she’s ever felt and has hid behind her mask our entire lives.

And as Sis2 is relaying all of this over the phone her pain was palpable and I just kept looking over at DH with tears welling up in my eyes as if to say “see, this was my life too”. Everyone was so much older than me and out of the house, I was the lone target with absolutely zero defenses.

[SunnyMeadow]

Absolutely awful Seven. I'm sorry you went through this. What a stressful situation for all. It would be damn near impossible for me not to take this personally as well. 

Thankfully your uNPDm mom is in a memory care unit where people are paid to deal with her. As a daughter, I'd have to step back from this more and more and let the professionals handle her. My visiting would be severely limited especially because of the I WANT MY SONS comments.

[Seven]

Thanks Sunny
It is well known by all siblings that her boys are the GC.  This episode just reinforces that fact, on top of the "but I love all my....." then trails off, during episodes when she got called out on her bad behavior.  I've heard that one twice...once with Sis1 in the room and once just to me after I called her out on basically calling me ugly during my sons wedding.  How my hair and makeup were awful, etc. And after losing 100#.

Then 5 months later it was "don't get too skinny" .  Jealous that I look better than her at age 47 than she did at 47 let alone at 88 (at the time this encounter happened)

Just evil and disgusting. And it can't be hidden anymore. 

I feel for Sis2. I really do.  And I warned her years ago "you don't want this.  Be thankful she chose to go live with Sis4. You really really don't want this."  Then everything happened in the intervening years with her medical emergencies and Bro5 and his medical emergencies. Just a massive clusterfuck.

I just want this done.

[Sneezy]

I'm so sorry, this sounds absolutely awful.  At this point, does it matter whether it's the PD or the dementia or something else?  I think you need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself from this terrible traumatic behavior, regardless of what's causing it.  The person your mother was/is/has become is not someone you can have any kind of relationship with.  Let the paid professionals handle it from here on out.  If you decide to go through with the planned family get-together, have a plan for getting out if it gets bad.  If you decide to forgo the family get-together, I'd recommend turning off your phone and ignoring any family messages for a while.

[Seven]

Sneezy,
A bunch of us are flying to sunny state because we know this is the last time we'll probably see her.  A better sooner than later type of situation. Basically all but two siblings will be there.

Sis2 has already basically disinvited her to her party.  If she goes it will be ruined.  I'm really going to meet up with Bro3 since we rarely see him when it's not wedding or funeral.

[Sneezy]

Sneezy,
A bunch of us are flying to sunny state because we know this is the last time we'll probably see her.  A better sooner than later type of situation. Basically all but two siblings will be there.

Sis2 has already basically disinvited her to her party.  If she goes it will be ruined.  I'm really going to meet up with Bro3 since we rarely see him when it's not wedding or funeral.

Well then enjoy your trip and have fun with your sibs.  Say whatever type of "goodbye" to your mother that works for you.  Safe travels 

[nanotech]

Absolutely awful Seven. I'm sorry you went through this. What a stressful situation for all. It would be damn near impossible for me not to take this personally as well. 

Thankfully your uNPDm mom is in a memory care unit where people are paid to deal with her. As a daughter, I'd have to step back from this more and more and let the professionals handle her. My visiting would be severely limited especially because of the I WANT MY SONS comments.

I'm sorry for your pain. I agree completely with sunny meadow.
I think if that was me I would have left straightaway when she started yelling expletives at me. Even though she's ill, you don't have to put up with any of that. Not now. Not ever again.
I'm so sorry for what she's saying. I've been there with the favouritism. My GCbrother was favoured since birth. He' still thinks he owns his sisters. ( erm no!)
Take care of your own needs here.
Visit if you choose to. Can you lay some ground rules down about her behaviour?- look to the nursing home for support. The home won't let her get like this with them-  they will have strategies to deal with it.  Watch what they do and do the same. Or chat to them about it. Teamwork. You don't have to take this.
It's all very triggering at the moment. Remember, you are not that little girl any more all alone and vulnerable to  her abuse. You are no longer that child. React to her as an independent adult, not as that little girl. You can do this if you take a step back from it emotionally. When you see her, try to imagine that she's not your mum, but just an acquaintance. Imagine you're a member of staff if you can. Just pop a boundary up around your childhood feelings.
Think of that song 'bulletproof'. If  she starts shouting - you  do not have to stay just because she's old and related to you. Self care is needed. I agree with Sneezy on  dealing with the family get together.
I'm thinking of you and your sis. Xxxxxxxxx

[Leonor]

Hi Seven,

I'm so sorry, what an excruciating situation.

I'm curious as to why everyone has to come running to the memory care center when mom has an episode.

She's not in crisis. She's not dying. She hasn't disappeared, or been injured. She's simply manifesting symptoms of the disease she's been diagnosed with.

I'm going to remember our Wonderful Woman Interrupted here: when the nurses or medics or social workers call to summon you to make your mom, basically be quiet and not bother them, put the ball back in *their* court.

They are the professionals. They are paid money to handle exactly these kinds of situations. This is what their job IS. They are not paid to call and complain to family members when their patients get noisy.

It's as if the cardiologist calls you to rush to mom's bedside when mom has a low blood pressure reading. Like, what?!?

Besides, it's clear that your presence only increases your mother's agitation. So how is this helping your mom, or you, or your sisters?

It's not. It's just making the paid memory care professionals' day easier, because them mom can holler and fuss at you instead of them.

I think it's time for a sit-down with you, your sisters and the residence director:  This is my mother's diagnosis. These are the symptoms. These are the services you claim to provide for your patients. This is the money you charge us to do so. This is what we expect to happen when she exhibits these symptoms. This is the plan we have in place to define a crisis, to recognize a crisis, to handle a crisis and how and when family members should be notified.

Rushing over is simply the very understandable reaction triggered by your CPTSD. Mom is upset! Soothe Mom! Let Mom abuse us so she can feel better! Hope Mom loves us for taking on her pain for her!

I just want to scoop up that little Seven in my arms and tell her what a precious child she is and just shower her with affection and safety.

But Big Seven can protect her now. She doesn't have to sacrifice herself to the mental illness of her mother anymore.

Now it's not personal. It's business. "Hello Residence Director, this is Seven and I would like to meet with you to discuss my mother's treatment plan. When are you available?"

[Zebrastriped]

Seven, what a terrible thing for you and your sisters to hear.  I agree with others here, always have an escape plan.  Even if you do not need to enact it.  Like you, I was never very good at defending myself, how can one be.  If fight is not a good option, flight is another option.   Then you are not dependent on the facility to do their job, which it really doesn't seem like they have figured out yet.  You could point out to the facility management that this strategy of 'summon the daughters' to address tantrums is clearly not working for anyone.

May your reunion with your siblings be what you need.

[DM178]

Hello Seven;

I feel your pain, bewilderment and sadness with this...I had a similar situation with my UBPDM a few months ago..not sure what triggered her (do we ever truly know, as so much does and it is "hidden" to us), but she totally turned on me and told me how she felt about my life, my life choices, my financial situation..

It was at first..hurtful..painful...and made me feel so ashamed of myself. As I gained my bearings over the next few days, I thought "knowledge is power".....and to utilize this new knowledge to ground myself with how I interact with her and how much energy I give to her...

It's still plenty painful at times, and I have flashbacks of that conversation still. I cannot go back in time and change it, nor did I cause and I know I can't cure it....

I hope you are finding a little bit of peace during this time. You are an amazing daughter in many ways, and you do not deserve that treatment.  Take good care of youself!

[JenniferSmith]

Oftentimes when people develop diseases such as alzheimers and other types of dementia,  negative habits and patterns they've acted out for years can become even stronger and more intense.  Sometimes mild/meek people can show aggression, and aggressive types can become meek.  Essentially, these diseases are warping the brain completely, so its a total crapshoot as to what version of their old self you will see.

In this case, it sounds like her old patterns are strong as ever, and being filtered through her now damaged brain. I am sorry you have to go through that.

I think the best strategy is to figure out how to best protect yourself going forward.  I agree with the comments above about having a meeting with the siblings and the staff at the facility and figure out a plan that will make this process as smooth as possible for all involved.

[Seven]

Evidently yesterday she had a good day. Sis2 can't keep her own boundaries, which I think is funny.  After being berated like she was and evidently peacing-Out after the episode, she's been back twice.

We fly there tomorrow very early am.  Bro3 and SIL get there tonight at 7.  Bro5 arrived today to set up permanent residence at Sis2, which will also be a total clusterfuck in the long run.

Stay tuned.

[Duck]

I am so sorry to hear of this.

I have a random question. In the original incident, why did the home call Sis2 over? What was Sis2 supposed to have accomplished after her summoning? What is the home’s logic?

Edit: I have read Leonor’s response, which contains a lot of wisdom. I will be marking it down for future reference. It is still a bit mystifying to me what magical effect the home expected Sis2 to have on mom.

[Seven]

Well, I'm back.
Everything well surprisingly well.  She did not misbehave or say anything untoward to anyone.  Party was a smash.  I got a little schnockered (trust me when I say that NEVER happens.  Vodka and sparkling pink lemonade).  Her neuropsyche has evidently upped her med dosage and that seems to be helping I guess.  Went to her place twice, once on Saturday to pick her up for the party and then again yesterday to say goodbye.

The talk of the weekend for the most part was Bro5 moving in with Sis2 and how this is all going to go over like a lead balloon. He got there Friday.  Literally did nothing all weekend.  By the time we left yesterday (Tuesday) he still had yet to unpack his car.  I told Sis2 "welcome to Bro5's world"

Ohh, also he went into the memory care unit yesterday (about 5 minutes before myself and DS arrived) and evidently told the front desk person he wants a one-on-one sit-down with the director of the facility to find out what's going on with uNPDm.  Ummm, he's been in the loop since the get-go. Again, another lead balloon, because the facility IMMEDiATELY called Sis2 and said "who is this guy?"  He acted like his shit didn't stink, power-tripping, like he's going to take over completely.  So Sis2 went off on him.  Ground rules have been set, he gets no access to uNPDm debit card.  Anything he buys for her he has to pay for and Sis4 will reimburse him using the receipt. If the whole situation wasn't so sickening it would almost be funny watching him get shut down left and right. But his manipulations are all too obvious. 

And here I am literally for the first time in my life with absolutely no FOO in my proximity.  That's going to take some processing that hasn't even begun yet.

[Sneezy]

I'm so glad it went well for you.  And vodka and pink lemonade sounds delish 

[Leonor]

Oh, wow.

You know in movies when the hero(ine!) stumbles upon something, like a cobra or dinosaur or crazy alien with a weapon, and their response is to back away slowwwwwly?



Siblings sharing housing? Sis is is responsible for mom's everything? Bro wants access to a debit card? Sis will repay him for mom's personal items? People demanding to see directors alone? Spiked with vodka over ice?

No wonder mom is having "good days" lately. That's not dementia, that's chaos manufacture.

You're in the eye of the hurricane. Back away slowwwwwly ...

[Seven]

Leonor,

Bro5 loves the drama.  He even admitted it to me years ago. He literally loves to manufacture chaos, stir the pot, triangulate, lie to manipulate, etc.  except he is now coming to realize that his siblings are no longer keeping secrets for him.

Yep, we're a large brood whose matriarch did absolutely no estate planning, and thankfully I'm out of it. I am no longer medical POA. 

I just am still in disbelief that Bro5 thought that when he moved down there he'd take uNPDm out of memory care, put her in an apartment with him (that she of course would pay for) and "take care of her". I mean, he literally thought that was going to happen.

[Leonor]

 !

[Andeza]

You get some distance now, that's good. Try to get yourself some mental space, relax a bit if you can, work on just not being bothered with it all.