I told her how I felt...

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Justme729

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I told her how I felt...
« on: May 22, 2021, 09:48:30 PM »
I went to visit family back home.   The topic of my brothers came up and one thing lead to another.   I gently reminded her that we have trauma that we have to deal
with and process.   Iím at a point in life where it takes more energy to remain no contact, but it doesnít mean Iím OK with how things went down when we were kids.   I shared the abuse.   I shared How I perceived things.   She took it personally.   As I expected.   She said she thought she did better than her parents.   I was so glad that my aunt (her sister) stepped in and knocked her off that.   She told my mom she needed to own up to her mistakes and acknowledge them.   I told her what Iíve been working on with my therapist.   

I know it wonít change the past.   She didnít really seem to own up to what happened, but she listened.   For the first time she listened to the trauma she caused.   She said everyone views my dad as innocent and places all the blame on her.   I was finally able to acknowledge while he wasnít perfect.   I donít know what the next step is with her.   I am still keeping very limited contact.   I still donít trust her.   For the first time ever she listened.   She didnít call me a liar, interrupt, or any of the other behaviors she usually has when I bring up anything from childhood.   She actually complemented how my husband and  I parent our children reflecting on how she raised us.   Is she legit?   Who knows.   I donít want to over analyze it.   

I hope that when my children are grown they never have these emotional scares or ever feel like they didnít matter.  I hope the worst they can say is their dad and I had some disagreements and fought, but we always worked as a team to solve the problem and remained committed to each other.   That we wouldnít buy them abc.   Or we made them move (for better opportunities). 

Iím rambling.    Has anyone every had their PD parent have a moment of light?  Did it stay?  Was it just a one time thing?   Idk. 

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Leonor

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Re: I told her how I felt...
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2021, 03:16:11 PM »
Hi Justme,

I'm glad you were able to give voice to your inner child and stand in your truth before your mom.

That is an amazing achievement.

You stood up for the little girl who never ever had a champion, who had no protection, who has lived all these years silenced and unseen, unheard.

Justine, whether or not your mom was able to hear you doesn't matter. Does. Not. Matter.

What matters is that *you* heard you, and listened, and took in, and sympathized, and held yourself in compassion. And then you stood before the most powerful person in that little girl's life, and said what she did was not ok.

*That* is the light. That is the miracle. That is the healing.

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moglow

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Re: I told her how I felt...
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2021, 07:47:08 PM »
Good for you! I'm glad your aunt was there to back you up - I'm sure it helped to have her in your corner. It's not so much having her choose sides or something like that, but that she called your mother on it before she went too far down the rabbit hole.
Whatever takeaway she may have had, really that was for YOU. It had to have been awesome, having that opportunity to really voice what you've been going through, your memories etc - and for her to listen?! There's no excuse or justification that'll make the past okay for you, but maybe this is a first step to truly putting it down and leaving it behind.

How are you today?


"Expectations are disappointments under construction.Ē  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Dandelion

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Re: I told her how I felt...
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2021, 12:13:26 PM »
Want to echo Leonoreís wonderful words.  I agree that sometimes its good to stand in our truth, take centre stage, whether others understand or not.  Life is unpredictable and who knows the future JustMe, but that chink of strength you have restored I believe will hold you in good stead.