Npd mom notices everyone's flaws

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Writingthepain

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Npd mom notices everyone's flaws
« on: May 24, 2021, 06:02:29 AM »
My npd mom notices everyone's flaws, loudly either in person or at a person on tv, she will notice and comment on their weight. Without her I never notice anyone's weight?

On an additional note she also notices and has to comment on any and all LGBTQ people she sees, either on tv or in person.

Always these are accompanied with negative comments, and she seems to think I'm as fatphobic, homophobic and transphobic as she is. Which I'm not at all.

My point is, I don't go around noticing stuff about people like she does. I don't know which is normal??

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Starboard Song

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Re: Npd mom notices everyone's flaws
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2021, 10:47:39 AM »
Normal people notice a good deal of flaws, but comment on only a few of these, where maybe it impacts them directly, or where something can be done about it.

Simply observing to no effect that people are ugly, unintelligent, fat, or mistaken is toxic behavior and does not improve us. While it is probably common among PD folks, it is all too common in the non-PD world and is not itself a symptom of being PD. Sadly, it is a symptom of being human.

We can all of us work harder to throw fewer stones, make fewer negative observations, and be more constructive and mild when negativity is simply needed.

Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Sneezy

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Re: Npd mom notices everyone's flaws
« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2021, 12:19:57 PM »
My uHMIL does something very similar.  She notices what she considers a flaw in someone and loudly discusses it.  She is doing this more and more often as she ages.  She will notice something that everyone else probably sees, too, and will remark on it loudly and for quite some time.  I think it goes along with her view that the entire world revolves around her.  So she gets to decide what weight is acceptable or what manner of dress is acceptable.  And in her mind, we all want to hear her opinions because her opinions are always correct and we all respect her opinions more than anyone else's because (wait for it) . . . the entire world revolves around her.

This would be annoying if she just did this kind of thing to strangers who couldn't hear her.  Unfortunately, she has moved on to family members and it's getting hurtful.  The last time she saw my SIL, the first thing she said was "wow, you've gotten big."  I mean, who talks like that?  Answer - an aging histrionic MIL with no filter.

I don't know what to do about it.  I am VVVLC with my MIL.  Back when I saw her more often, I would try to explain to her that I didn't want to gossip or put people down and was trying to be a more positive person.  This kind of talk from me just seemed to enrage her.  She felt like I was judging her and that would really set her off.  So nowadays, if she says something mean-spirited around me, I try to respond with "oh really, I hadn't noticed."  Or "yes, she has gained weight, but you know the doctors all say it's about health and not the number on the scale," and then I change the subject.  Not sure if that will work with someone you see often, like your mom.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Npd mom notices everyone's flaws
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2021, 12:27:29 PM »
Boundaries are so hard on this, when it is just random one-liners. If it were ongoing rants, boundaries would be doable, "hey, mom, I'm sorry. I know you are upset about Charlie putting on weight, but I really don't want to discuss that any further. They are so much nicer things to discuss."

But one-liners are like gnats.

In my experience, I just ignore such comments, or drawl out a casual "yep" and move on. It works on negative non-PDs, anyway.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward