What does a healthy relationship look like?

[BefuddledClarity]

What does a healthy relationship look like (with others and towards yourself)? Because I'm starting to forget . . .

I'm surrounded by PDs for the majority of that time, in both personal and work related--but mostly work. Currently trying to get out of the customer service field---I noticed that my diet has become poor with losing weight (I've always had a hard time gaining weight so it's disappointing to me...), hair falling out and looking more brill, and finally found my first grey hair the other day, hah...I didn't mind the grey hair until I realized that I'm killing myself with stress, which probably caused it instead of natural causes.

Just trying to make a few changes here and there in my life to hopefully cut off stressors...but it's a very slow process. I also feel like I can hardly trust people these days and keep to myself, and I know that's just me throwing up a wall and being paranoid but I just want to feel OK for once and not down, irritated, or depressed ...

I've been kinda making myself depressed too, watching YouTube videos of "perfect couple's" or "perfect families" or having the "perfect job" and wishing that was my life. I used to not care for that kind of content and dodged it, but now suddenly feeling drawn to it.

Thinking of cutting myself from using YouTube for a while or from watching those kind of videos at least and refocus.

[square]

Healthy relationships are imperfect but they lack FOG.

You might feel irritated, disappointed, impatient with a friend, coworker, spouse, parent, sibling. But those feelings are not weighted down by fear, obligation, guilt. You simply feel annoyed (etc.).

You don't feel like you have to compromise yourself to stay safe or meet an obligation.

You can express your needs and preferences without fear. They may not always be met but you won't have to pay a price just for asking politely.

As for yourself, it's similar. When you are healthy you can have a bad day, make the wrong choice, make a mistake, and you can kick yourself for it, but it's much simpler. You won't feel sick, like you need to punish yourself, lose control of the rest of the day. You can accept your mistakes, do your best to fix them or vow to plan better next time, and move on.

[square]

I suppose I should have also said that a healthy relationship has more positives than negatives. If you're always disappointed/irritated/etc., that's no good even if it doesn't come with FOG! I just was focused on the reality that perfection isn't an option.

[clara]

When you're allowed to believe in yourself.

[Sheppane]

I've been thinking about this too.
I think - respect,  feeling heard , feeling like I matter , absence of fear and hypervigilance,  no need to constantly obsess / wonder / second guess myself,  reciprocal , as others have said too mistakes are ok and accepted as part of what happens,  and are dealt with without it being a major drama.

IME healthy relationships don't take up much headspace or thought. They just flow. Easy !

[LemonLime]

For me the biggest differentiator between PD relationships and non-PD relationships is this:
Whether or not I'm walking on eggshells.
Full stop.

[Sheppane]

For me the biggest differentiator between PD relationships and non-PD relationships is this:
Whether or not I'm walking on eggshells.
Full stop.

That's it exactly !

[DistanceNotDefense]

I've been thinking about this myself and I'm so glad this thread popped up, Befuddled!

I agree with the others here. Healthy relationships also have compromises I think, and there can be some feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt sometimes, too.

But what happens when you point out to the other person, that you feel this way? What happens when you resist FOG control? How do they respond? That's what matters.

Do you feel safe speaking out about it? Wanting change? Are you *HEARD*? Are your boundaries respected or trampled over?

I think the true defining line between being in a truly narcissistic/PD relationship, and being in one with its usual foibles, is boundary respect - even if imperfectly done the other person at least *tries* and acknowledges your reality . The other person also does not completely gaslight you and deny that reality. That is as healthy as it gets.

That said, those of us who have been in PD/dysfunctional relationships are hypervigilant and on the lookout for that abuse. And the fact of the matter is that even healthy people can act out in narcissistic ways, and they can bring us back to the past and even make us feel ill or confused.

Some of us (like myself) have CPTSD and can feel like they're stuck in a PD relationship when those behaviors arise! I REALLY struggle with this in my work relationships, friendships, marriage. And the last couple weeks had me stuck questioning all my relationships and feeling like I have no idea what healthy is. Which is why I'm so happy this thread popped up. 

Though our hypervigilance protects us, it can also sabotage, and learning to modulate and balance can be a lifelong process!

I highly recommend the podcast Beyond Bitchy, about setting boundaries. It has really helped teach me what is healthy and to be expected, and what is truly unacceptable without getting too caught up in labels (NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc.)

Turns out my current relationships are OK, some friendships are suspect, but what I dealt with in my dysfunctional FOO was completely unacceptable. 

[Cat of the Canals]

Sheppane pretty much nailed the list for me: especially respect, feeling heard, and reciprocity.

And in regards to so-called "perfect" relationships and families in those videos you watch... I am very wary of anyone that paints a picture of a perfect ANYTHING online. I can count at least four or five friends who went from "I have the most perfect husband ever" to divorced in two years. And I have one VERY close friend who was married to a man who abused her in every way possible but you would never have known it from what she posted on social media. She put on a very convincing façade.

Those Youtube videos are about as realistic as any reality show on TV, and by that I mean they have been edited and packaged to create a very specific picture.

[1footouttadefog]

I remember a news clip about something a family did in our community many year ago.  I remember then all behi d the cou ter making cookies together in part of the news segment.  Then there were other little things showing them off as the happy wonderful all American family.

My sister was friends of their daughter. I baby sat there a lot.  The son went to our chur h youth group. I can remover him throwing a chair at the wall in a meeting a couple of times.    I can remeber the stacks of boxes contraband/likely stolen off of trucks the father drove.

The father was a licensed contractor and had a small airplain but Lways moonlighed trucking or driving a limousine. He had an office trailer/modular across town and stayed their alot away from the family.

Perfectly normal on TV however. 

[athene1399]

I also want to add heathy relationships don't tell you your feelings are wrong. Respecting of boundaries is another big one IMO. Being able to be apart and having your space when needed without the other being jealous. Equal decision making power. Not feeling pressured to do things you don't want to.

I love this thread by the way! Thank you for starting this conversation

[Cat of the Canals]

I highly recommend the podcast Beyond Bitchy, about setting boundaries. It has really helped teach me what is healthy and to be expected, and what is truly unacceptable without getting too caught up in labels (NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc.)

I just started listening to the first episode and already heard one thing I just HAD to write down so I remember it: "You are creating space for yourself [with boundaries.]... Often when people are struggling with a decision, the more space the person has, the quicker they will get to that decision."

The more space I've made for myself, the more my clarity I've gained in almost every aspect of my life.

[1footouttadefog]

I think it will include two emotionally healthy people.

They do t have to be perfect, and can even be pretty weird, eccentric or eclectic, but they must be emotionally healthy Adults.

There are many folks who pass as adults but are not emotionally healthy and mature.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I highly recommend the podcast Beyond Bitchy, about setting boundaries. It has really helped teach me what is healthy and to be expected, and what is truly unacceptable without getting too caught up in labels (NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc.)

I just started listening to the first episode and already heard one thing I just HAD to write down so I remember it: "You are creating space for yourself [with boundaries.]... Often when people are struggling with a decision, the more space the person has, the quicker they will get to that decision."

The more space I've made for myself, the more my clarity I've gained in almost every aspect of my life.

So glad you've started listening. It gets even better. Especially that listening boundary, which comes in in a few episodes after the first.

We had that ripped away from us by PD/dysfunctional relationships - when I realized that boundary could exist, something MAJOR clicked!!!!