Condescending comments

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Kitbit

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Condescending comments
« on: May 25, 2021, 11:28:37 AM »
How do you respond to condescending comments in your chosen relationship with a PD person? I find there are periods where communication is smooth and pleasant, and then all of the sudden the condescension comes out. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me after all this time, but it does, and the comments hurt freshly anew. Pointing them out can just unleash a world of pain worse than the original incident. Saying nothing has me sitting with my injury. Any advice?

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11JB68

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2021, 12:23:10 AM »
I use lots of medium chill.
On the other hand, and I know this is probably not healthy or mature, and could be dangerous... I've taken to keeping one hand hidden and secretly giving him the finger when he's being offensive... Partly to label for myself 'this is bad behavior' so that I keep myself aware while not engaging in escalation/drama.
Again, not saying this is a healthy/correct thing to do...

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square

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2021, 12:53:00 AM »
I think it’s super healthy. :evil2:

WI would approve.

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blew

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2021, 01:18:25 AM »
I've also taken to given my SO the finger when she isn't looking.  Childish, yes.  But it does drain off some of the pain, at least for that moment.

Today I heard that I have to be "not so cranky."  This was, of course, after hours of listening to her complain about everything and everybody that she's dealt with in the last month.  I find "medium chill" to be only slightly helpful.  At the end of the day, it's a hopeless situation.  The classic "you can't win for losing" scenario.  I try to hide my displeasure and annoyance with her relentless complaining, but she's always on the hunt.  "Why are you not looking at me?"  What do you say to someone who is endlessly negative and then turns the tables on you and blames you for being the cranky one?  Nothing.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2021, 02:11:33 AM »
I would turn a corner and do a flip - every time.  Really helped and felt like I was keeping a piece of me.

Very healthy

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2021, 01:18:16 PM »
I got rid of some of that by not playing.

I made statements to point it out and disengaged.

Oh, I see this is a one sided conversation, so I am not needed here. Then leave.

Sorry to see you are in a put 1FOOT down mood, I do t enjoy this game, I will go have fun cleaning toilets instead.

I am sorry you are upset/angry about news and politics, but this is not a new reality, it's a rerun really, soI would like to continue my movie, book etc.






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bat123

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2021, 03:38:14 PM »
For years I’ve struggled with trying not to be hurt by uNPD’s harsh comments and character assassinations.  But finally, through lots of reading and therapy, I see the behavior for what it is.  The hard part is that there’s usually a grain of truth within their criticisms, so it’s easy to become defensive.  For example, my husband criticizes my family all the time, and will say things to me like “ you’re just like your mother,” or “ you’re just like your sister” (as if we are all genetically flawed and annoying). Instead of overreacting and defending my family and myself, I’ll make one simple statement, like “I love my family and there’s nothing wrong with us.  It’s wrong of you to continuously insult my family and try to make me think there’s something wrong with us.”  I state my truth, then I just detach.  Easier said than done, yes, but with practice you just start to develop this attitude of acceptance.  Not acceptance that what he says is true, but acceptance that he will always use this strategy to try to put me down.  When he does it, I state my truth, then just shrug my shoulders.  Dogs bark.  That’s the mantra I say to myself in my head!  Narcissists attack and criticize, just like dogs bark.  We shouldn’t expect them to do anything different because that’s how they’re wired.

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Cascade

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2021, 04:49:03 PM »
I generally ignore the condescending comments, unless they are about our children. He doesn't say them about me, at least not to my face. My PDh has this scoffing, condescending noise he makes whenever he hears something he doesn't agree with, it's a noise I've come to hate.

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2021, 06:19:01 PM »
With stbxpdH it's the condescending facial expressions. The smirks. Eye rolls. I never found a way to deal with it- that's why I left him and I'm now trying to navigate a path forwards. Pds can be condescending without uttering a word.

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LemonLime

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2021, 06:41:44 PM »
The sarcasm and eye rolls.....ugh.

I finally named those behaviors to myself as "contemptuous".   Those behaviors show contempt.
And contempt is deadly to any relationship. 

I've never had the nerve to tell my PD that those behaviors reveal contempt and to please stop doing them.
Instead, I just label my PD as toxic and accept that they won't change.   Oh, and stay away from them as much as possible!

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Kitbit

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2021, 12:44:11 PM »
Thank you so much for sharing these responses. If something goes wrong or I’m stressed and express it, that usually ends up coming back on me as my fault and I get raged at. It’s hard to deal with a person who can be empathetic during calm moments and then becomes irrationally blame-seeking, especially when they have done something wrong in the first place! I guess that’s projection. It’s really hard to deal with when there is still some mutual dependency. Thanks again for getting it and sharing strategies.

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Lauren17

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2021, 12:28:13 PM »
The scoffing noises, the eye rolls,  the facial expressions, yep. uBPDh also has this little chuckle that makes me what to scream.
As others have stated, MC is the way to go here. What I’ve found, though, is the the message sinks through my MC exterior.
I’ve been using a trick I heard on a Debbie Mizra podcast. When he does these things, I think “this is not love. And I deserve love” it helps.
I’ve cried a thousand rivers. And now I’m swimming for the shore” (adapted from I’ll be there for you)

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Gettintired76

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2021, 02:56:18 AM »
My ex has a certain tone of voice that cuts through me like a knife, it’s like she despises me and it is utterly beneath her to speak to me. She insults myself and my family, has actually stooped to accusing me of sleeping with my sister. She swears I constantly roll my eyes ( I do sometimes when she starts her “mantras” and “gripes”). I agree that you do start to believe everything they say. All the “ you’ll never amount to anything, nobody wants you, you lucky to have me cause nobody else would want you, your lazy and worthless. And finally finally throwing up former relationships. I have yet to find a way to not feel hurt by her words.

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SonofThunder

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2021, 09:17:49 AM »
Hi Kitbit,

Point them out?  No.  I no-JADE, MC, and in my mind, ask myself “if my wife had Tourettes Syndrome instead of a PD, would i be offended at the insult she just hurled at me?”  Probably not.  That mindset helps me use the toolbox and just sidestep and move along trying to live the daydream. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2021, 09:34:24 AM »
There is a lot here to consider but I would like to offer an aside - not it applies but it may to some -

I let it slide or ignored using MC on many of his condescending comments but I noticed that over time my children now do it - and to me - and that is hurtful and scary.  I didn't think that they would pick it up - not sure why I thought that - but they did.  So now I need to practice stating my truth and I find it very hard.  That emotional sting is such a trigger that I often can't get it out or even recognize it until after.  Something to work on.

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ploughthrough2021

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Re: Condescending comments
« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2021, 12:50:06 PM »
I ignore them now and don't take them seriously