No such thing as an accident

[OWIU (Only Way Is Up)]

I grew with an uPDM who believed all accidents could be prevented. If I spilled or broke something she would flying into a rage & sometimes lash out physically.

Is this a common behaviour with PDs? Is it linked with 'blaming' mechanisms? Was reading "Blaming me for his own errors" (11JB68's post) and it got me thinking.

Once, aged around 9 or 10, I opened the car door & caught the bottom of it on a garden rockery (from the inside of the car, btw, so unaware of the proximity of the stones!!). M took off her shoe & started hitting me over the head with it - she was so, so angry at my "carelessness".

Reaction to accidents is a flea I've had to shed. I've never turned to actual rage, but I used to react with "how did that happen?". Now it's more "oh well... it doesn't matter". Sometimes I feel the 'old' response wanting to come out – but it's a flea I won't let jump back on!!

[Jsinjin]

Hi!  I can completely identify with this.   I have noticed that things happen from gravity, poltergeists, children not caring about something, powerful earthquakes or possibly aliens and for my spouse, there must be a reason and within that reason, someone must have done it with a purpose.   Examples: 1) a pile of laundry is done and put on a bed and part of the pile falls of onto the floor.   Instead of assuming it was gravity and entropy the terrible deed must have been performed by someone with a deliberate reason and all suspects must be interrogated until someone confesses.   Our kids and I are subject to an unending list of questions, assumptions and queries coming from many angles to somehow get to the bottom of this problem.   But it's often things like this example that take up all of our time and energy.   
2) there is an absolutely irrational despair associated with wear and tear on things in the home.   A gymbag or pair of shoes that wears out can have oversized tears and crying with grief that you don't expect and really don't know what to do with.  This behavior isn't just limited to "my cherished Rolex passed down from my grandfather to father to me has a huge scratch" but can be "ohhhh, my hiking boots are scuffed" but for the hiking boots, you have someone practically in tears and emotional distress over the issue in a response that you as a non PD just kind of stand there lost.

I think that it's often a way of ensuring control.   If things are running normally and everyone is getting work done and all the tasks are working, my wife has to inject drama into the workflow so that she maintains control.   Another part of it is that in her mind, blame and accountability are the two single most important events; no one can simply say they are sorry, they have to atone for the wrong and that mark on their character is there forever and that includes dropping a glass or stepping on a flower.

[OWIU (Only Way Is Up)]

OMG... absolutely know what this is like.

My enF once left the coffee maker on. It had an auto shut off, so it didn't matter – apart from the fact the on/off light would flash if 'auto' switched off (but if switched off manually it would be dark). My uPDM hit the roof. Hours of shouting at my F that he must have done this on purpose to wind her up because otherwise (knowing how much it upset her) he would have been more careful to switch it off properly. Then days of silent treatment.

Do you think it is as exhausting for them as it is for those of us around them? Or if it's about control (like you say) they are 'rewarded' for their behaviour and perhaps it's more exhausting for them NOT to react in these ways?

[blunk]

This was one of the traits that my bpdxh displayed most strongly. It was things like, if I forgot to buy the item that he wanted at the grocery store. It couldn't possibly be because I accidentally left the grocery list on the kitchen counter, it was "really" because I hated him and did not want to buy him item X.

Initially, I did not know what the behavior was, and could only describe it as him always thinking the worst of me. If there were 2 possible reasons why something happened, he would never assume the innocent reason, he would assume that I did whatever for a malicious reason. Once I learned more, I came to see it as splitting...I was all bad, so my motivations were all bad.

[square]

I think there are a variety of factors at play, like control, splitting/paranoia, etc. I thought of another possible angle, an aspect of arrested development.

When we are infants, we are helpless and dependent on parental figures who are by comparision all powerful and all knowing.

Someone stuck in that stage of development may continue to see others the same way. All things are seen by such people so there is no possibility they just overlooked something, or even that they couldn't see through solid objects like a car door.

Also, being all powerful, even children and elderly have perfect nervous syatems that never trip or drop things. The arc of each article of clothing from a laundry basket is always perfectly calculated including gravity, wind resistence, static cling, and every other force.

[LemonLime]

Agree with all said so far.
I notice with my uPD sib that she reads a lot into interactions.   When she and I talk with a relative together, she often comes away with a completely different interpretation of what they said than I do.   She sees ulterior motives where I don't.   She sees accusations where I don't.   She remembers things very very differently than I do.
There is a vigilance, a paranoia of sorts.   Her lens is tainted, I think.   I just see things as more innocuous, happenstance.   And having said that, I am not a particularly optimistic person.  So that's saying something that she sees things more negatively than I do!   

[looloo]

Been a while since I've commented (I do lurk though   ), and this behavior was something my malignant Nmother would do.  She would get very angry at milk being spilled, if things were damaged accidentally, and I think she didn't like it either if we got sick.  She was angry at me when I got my first cavity (she didn't have any), assuming that it was due to my failure to take better care of my teeth (I did pretty well for a kid, actually).  When I was 16 and got my driver's license, I got into an accident.  Thank goodness the folks in the other car were ok and so was I, but my car was really damaged.  My parents came and got me, and my mother was LIVID, to the point where I could see the other folks looking at her like they knew something was off.  That's one of my memories where I wonder how many times people could see that my mother wasn't quite right.

And one of her favorite comments is "Maybe next time you'll.....". When I told my parents that I was ending my first marriage years ago, she said, "Well, maybe next time you'll make better decisions" or words to that effect.  Gee thanks.

I probably hypercorrected in my own life re-this.  I always make a point never to act angry or "cry over spilled milk", even if the accident WAS due to carelessness.  And I tend to take too many preemptive measures to avoid household accidents.  I have a habit of moving water glasses further away from edges, I shuffle pots on the stove to prevent whatever happening....it sometimes drives H nuts - but he's ADHD, so I have to 😁.