How do I gain my own peace of mind?

[manda.b]

My partner of 6 years was recently diagnosed with BPD but she has been dealing with symptoms her entire life and I have been dealing with the effects our entire relationship. I have distanced myself from friends and family, have no motivation to pick up hobbies, and mostly just want to numb out when I find free time. Does anyone have any tips on how to gain more independence and peace of mind when your partner sees any act of independence as a possibility of you leaving them? Honestly the more she accuses or fears this the more frustrated and stuck I feel because I cannot make either of us happy with the poor mental state I am in. I want to be supportive but I honestly feel resentment that I don't get to feel peace in my home. I have two therapists and we see a couples therapist, I'm listening to the audio book of walking on eggshells, nothing seems to help that moment when she is triggered by something and my heart collapses as the energy of our home gets so intense, and if the issue isn't about me, she will project her pain and anger onto me and I absorb it like a sponge. Sometimes I absorb it so much that I start mirroring her behaviors that are not things I did before we met. I get so angry these days when I have been a relatively calm person my whole life. I've had trouble recently with pulling out my hair in frustration, but I've been keeping it under control as I need to be the strong one. I feel like I have to take on all the tasks and responsibilities because I'd rather be overloaded than her get overwhelmed and spiral.

I'm new to this forum, so maybe this is just a vent post, as I never feel comfortable talking about this stuff in depth with anyone, but if anyone has success stories on how to gain more independence and peace in my life while in this relationship, please share. I don't want to end the relationship but I cannot accept my life being this chaotic and destructive forever. (Just a note, she is also in therapy, doing DBT, is not the narcissistic BPD type, if that helps)

[blunk]

Welcome manda.b. I am so sorry to hear of difficulties with your partner. I was married for nearly 16 years to a man diagnosed with BPD, so I can definitely understand your desire for peace of mind.

I would suggest you check out the tabs at the top of the page. Some of the ones I found most helpful were: what to do / what not to do, the top 100 Traits, avoiding JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), implementing boundaries, Medium Chill, and Gray Rock. There are also other resources and links to many helpful websites. On the forums you will find a lot of great people who can understand just what you are going through, and they openly offer their insight, empathy, understanding, and advice.

Unfortunately, my own relationship reached a point where the only way for me to regain my peace of mind was to divorce. That does not mean that is the right path for you. There is a board within the forum for those who are committed to working on it, you may want to begin by reading and/or posting there. Good luck to you.

[JustKeepTrying]

Welcome manda.b,

I want to reiterate blunk's post - lots of good ideas here on how to manage.  Read them over and over until it sinks in - it is all very confusing and so many habits have formed so it can be difficult to break them and try something new.  Especially when you are in the chaos of a PD relationship.

If you are a Christian, try the book Boundaries - it has some good advice and guidance on setting boundaries but it does refer to the Bible frequently.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist.  Do they specialize in trauma?  Someone with that background may be better suited for life with PD.

Finally, for peace of mind, try meditation.  Specifically, the meditation where you learn to let those circling thoughts and emotions go.  Where you learn to observe them and not react to them.  Learning to meditate and journaling are the two best coping techniques for me.  They also do not throw red flags to the partner - just normal activities you can do anywhere.

I too am divorced - a long turbulent marriage - but it is not the path for everyone.  All the categories in the forum overlap in many ways so there is lots of advice around.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Manda.b! I am glad you found us and sorry you needed to. You have already been given excellent advice above,  check out all the tools from the toolbox and start implementing them! You write you have two therapists and see a couples counsellor as well. So you should be able to work on your own issues, especially the enabling part.
We all need to vent some times and if you stick around, you will find that you get a lot of support on this forum. And encouragement to start implementing small changes in your behaviour that will make your life calmer and more bearable with time. See you around on the boards.

[1footouttadefog]

Practice self care.  Make doing so a priority.

If this seems selfish, and self centered, then examine those thoughts and feelings for clues as to how mu h you have over given, and the training you may have had that set you up for what you are experiencing.

For me self care started with super simple things like taking a hot bath instead of a quick shower.  Making some tea and reading through a magazine. Listening to music of my choosing.

Pandora was very cool for me.  I typed in songs and artists I liked and discovered more.  I remember buying an album CD in my forties and listening to it over and over in the car while alone.

I realized that my life had been largely put on hold when I got married and I had not developed or grown in so many ways.  I set out to find me and who I am now.

I would do activities with the I tention of find g me.  I went to Barnes and noble and browsed magazines to figure out what I liked and why.  Tried new foods and cuisines.  Went to art gallery and shops, tried on clothes from varying styles, drove around and looked at landscapes and home details to see what was interesting.

I went to trade and homes shows to see what was in the world.

I became a healthier me and started new hobbies and habits and they became a new normal.  Being healthier helped me implement boundaries and tools.

[ploughthrough2021]

Practice self care.  Make doing so a priority.

If this seems selfish, and self centered, then examine those thoughts and feelings for clues as to how mu h you have over given, and the training you may have had that set you up for what you are experiencing.

For me self care started with super simple things like taking a hot bath instead of a quick shower.  Making some tea and reading through a magazine. Listening to music of my choosing.

Pandora was very cool for me.  I typed in songs and artists I liked and discovered more.  I remember buying an album CD in my forties and listening to it over and over in the car while alone.

I realized that my life had been largely put on hold when I got married and I had not developed or grown in so many ways.  I set out to find me and who I am now.

I would do activities with the I tention of find g me.  I went to Barnes and noble and browsed magazines to figure out what I liked and why.  Tried new foods and cuisines.  Went to art gallery and shops, tried on clothes from varying styles, drove around and looked at landscapes and home details to see what was interesting.

I went to trade and homes shows to see what was in the world.

I became a healthier me and started new hobbies and habits and they became a new normal.  Being healthier helped me implement boundaries and tools.

Hello Onefootoutadefog,

You hit the nail on the head. I am doing exactly that right now.  Rediscovering what I really like.  This has drastically reduced my anger !