My stupidity - or the more things change the more they stay the same

[moglow]

Until [briefly] yesterday, my last conversation with my mother was in February. She was rude, overbearing, demeaning, mocking and ultimately just plain nasty to me and I finally shut down. To all intents and purposes, I decided no contact with her was good contact, and I needed to back far far away. Silence, complete silence for over three months, and it was GOOD! I did - because this is who I am - text her on her birthday and mothers day, very brief noncommittal "thinking of you today" texts that were unacknowledged. She commented to one of my brothers she'd not heard from me - okay. Not sure what that had to do with him but that's par for the course with her. Any special occasion and you get a rundown of who she's heard from or not, as if that has anything to do with anything. Damned little actual conversation or concern, but that too is the norm.

Anyhoo, Monday I got a really snotty text from her [paraphrased] "I'm sure you're really proud of yourself for ignoring my birthday and mothers day..." and how she wishes she could still visit with or talk to her own mother, ending with I wish you well. Um okay. Didn't ignore either one, and I miss talking to your mother as well! I text mother the same as I have for years now, realizing that she may or may not be getting my texts - a whole OTHER kettle of fish she won't stop frying. Within 30min of that bit of venom, my digestive system went into full revolt. I'll spare details, but essentially poisons in [mother's nastiness], poisons out. My body telling me NO, hell NO! I responded to her snottiness with yet another, that we've talked about you not getting my texts, I assume since you're texting me that's been resolved but apparently not. No response.

And again - me being me - I called her later that day, left a voicemail  telling her I'd text her on both days, I'm sorry she may have been hurt and disappointed, and asked her to call me back when she'd like to talk. She didn't call. Instead yesterday she sent ANOTHER text, how she doesn't understand why she's not getting my texts, that I need to think about why that might be but apparently I'm not worried about it. [No, actually I'm NOT worried! I set up read receipts for my texts and it shows they're delivered. I verified with my cell carrier months ago that they are indeed going out as intended. End of.] But yeah, all supposedly my doing - even though last I knew when she was getting my texts, she'd threatened to block me as I'd done her previously, all because she didn't want to hear "all my shit." Mmmmmmkay. I think she found a way to block them, or divert to some folder or delete on delivery, something. Don't know, dont really care, but stop texting me to complain you're not getting any response!!

So, during lunch break yesterday I called again and this time she actually answered, all sugar and sweetness. I reiterated my voicemail of the day before, she started into the whole "but I don't know why I don't get your texts but I do everyone elses!!" I don't either. My only suggestion is to stop - don't text me. I won't be responding to any of your texts in future, so there's no reason for getting your feelings all hurt. She didn't care for it and wanted to discuss further but no, I needed to get back to work.
To be continued later ...

[wisingup]

OMG Moglow - my mother does this exact thing with texts and  emails - very selectively receives them.  My best guess is that she prefers talking on the phone, so pretending she doesn't receive them means she eventually gets her way.  I can't do the phone - the tone of her voice, the gossip and snarky remarks - just no. 

She just got a new phone last week & claims she didn't get my texts the day after our trip to urgent care, so I went all day with no response to my inquiries as to whether she was still alive.  DH's advice - don't worry about her, she's fine - was on point, but I kept imagining her lying on the floor needing assistance.

It would never occur to her to proactively let me know that she's OK & I don't have to worry.  Getting me to worry about her is the main source of fun in her life, as far as I can tell.

[moglow]

Wisingup, this is an ongoing theme with mine too - I blocked her cell phone for several years because she'd do this. Go off on me via text and refuse to respond, wouldn't answer her phone when I'd call, then would respond to my voicemails via text. She'd concoct all kinds of gloom doom and misery - and anger! - then dump it on me demanding explanations, but refuse to talk or listen to me. Against my better judgment and her repeated demands I eventually unblocked her phone, maybe a couple of years ago and we're right back there. Literally every conversation we had since last September-ish has been her battering me about her not getting my texts, not hearing from me yet refusing to answer my phone calls.  Battering me about the texts/lack of and demanding that I take responsibility for her non-relationship with her sons.

After my brief phone call with mother Tuesday, it dawned: Once again we were on the phone for five minutes tops and not once did either of us ask about the other. There were no pleasantries exchanged- No "how are you" no "how are things going" Nope. We addressed her issue - again - and I ended the call rather abruptly. Mother was all "honey, babe" and sweetness to me as if all those previous phone calls and her abuse had never happened. In her mind, plenty of time had passed and that was in the past where she thinks it should stay until she drags it back out the closet at some random point in the future. She was cruel, nasty and openly abusive on that phone call and on several calls prior to it, plus the texts in between. Complete disregard and contempt for me and anything to do with me.

And once again, there's no apology or mention of regret not even an acknowledgment of the time that had passed. She seems to have glossed over it and continued on unhampered by any semblance of responsibility for the way she treated me. All she saw was that I supposedly ignored her birthday and mothers day - once that was covered she was good. No further concern of any kind. Same shit different day. That's incredibly sad and at the same time actually laughable.

Right now I'm absolutely content and and at peace to not talk to her again. I'm sure with enough silence from me she'll get frustrated and send another text or possibly leave a voicemail being her usual self, again cementing my decision to just stay away. Nothing has or will change except me. There's no connection here and I'm astounded I really never sat back and looked at it like this.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've allowed myself to get sucked into these text/phone/etc. games too. When PDmom found out I was regularly videochatting with my brother, suddenly she expected that too. And I'm still so conditioned to give her whatever she demands, it didn't even occur to me to ask myself whether I WANTED it. And it was fine for a few months, then started having issues with the chat program we were using. She kept mentioning how she uses Skype to talk to her sister and it always works fine, and I found myself, like an automaton, going and downloading the Skype app. Which led to her trying to rope me into a group call with her sister. I hate group calls and want to scream, "I called to talk to YOU, not your sister!"

The conditioning was so strong that I simply kept trying to fix this problem that was never MY problem to begin with. I prefer a regular call to a videochat (with her anyway), but there I was, jumping through hoops to give her what she wanted, with no regard for myself. The story of my life. I uninstalled Skype and now if she wants to videochat so bad, she can figure out what's wrong with the other app or drop it. It's not my responsibility.

Anyway, my point is, don't be too harsh on yourself. We've been in these patterns for so long, and they run SO deep. Sometimes we're going through the motions without even realizing it. Give yourself credit for recognizing another layer of dysfunction that will no longer have any power over you.

[moglow]

Thx Cat! Putting that responsibility back where it belongs is so important yet so easily lost for a moment when emotion kicks in.

Somewhere after that epiphany hit (and I got some really cool unexpected reinforcement/encouragement from my brother), a weight lifted. Fog cleared. Peace circled back around where I needed it. I was so sick of the attacks and senseless chaos and I needed that from him - and from y'all. Learning how to put the sticks down is tough!

[Starboard Song]

May I call your mother and set her straight? Because I've promised myself not to contact my FIL to set him straight and I am just itching for a rumble.

It makes me angry, just reading. I know how frustrating it is when people are detached from facts. And sadly, we sometimes get to a burned bridges point where there is just no way to fix. If both parties were healthy, it would be right to sit down, lower the temperature, and start over. But when one party is PD or very toxic, that can just be impossible or no longer morally acceptable.

I am very sorry you are dealing with this.

I admire your attempts to maintain a threadbare relationship: it shows compassion and patience. I sympathize with your poison-in-poison-out episode. I once spent 90 minutes in a gorge behind a restaurant, venting out the toxin of my FIL's latest message. It is a measure of how very real and damaging the stress can be.

I encourage you to think about this: we remember the first tantrum thrown by our little boy, when he was about 6 months old. Arms flailing on the floor, moaning in anguish, and us struggling not to laugh at how damn cute it was. We weren't angry, and didn't wish he were verbal so we could argue with him. We felt totally at ease over not letting him eat dirt, or whatever it was that set him off. A senator, similarly, isn't remotely troubled by hate mail: of course people are going to disagree with her. This is totally not easy. But I try to -- I aspire to -- have that level of detachment from the judgments of my in-laws. It is only an aspiration. I argue with them almost daily in my head, sometimes. But it is a good aspiration.

And it works even if you are not NC: we weren't NC with our infant son. We loved him and were compassionate and -- in the end -- wanted to ameliorate his suffering. But his critique of our performance as parents, such as it was, couldn't land any blows. We were just above it.

I wish for you success in training yourself above your mother's criticisms. In the meantime, you know exactly what I am going to say:

Be good. Be strong.

[moglow]

Starboard, I remember your inner arguments, your anger, trying to grasp how to reach you when you went to that place and be with you while you worked through it. And I appreciate the return of the favor with your continued kindness, and reminders to be good and be strong. Yes you may absolutely call her and I'd like it to be a conference call, please [you'll need to mute me]. Be warned -  The good fairy will no doubt kick in the instant she hears a male voice. She'll make you question everything Ive ever said about her and you'll wonder what the hell my problem is with her. 


The week of mothers day there was some random "how well do you know your mother" questionnaire on facebook. I shrugged it off then got curious. I couldn't answer anything other than what I think her favorite color is. Favorite music? Television show/movie? Salad dressing? Flower? Who does she admire the most [okay this one was easy!!]. I realized just how much distance there truly is and has been for many years now, how much time and energy I wasted. She just wanted to be angry, and that's sad. Such a sad waste of a life.

[moglow]

Update:
Literally four weeks to the day, she text again. Blasted me and my clear lack of feelings for her because I didnt tell her about a concerning medical issue with one of my brothers. Wasn't my stuff and not mine to share, he could tell her - or not - when he chose. He told her so now she's flailing about looking for a victim. Syrupy sweet text to my brother's wife, the one to me was full on foul. And - piece' de resistance - asked if I enjoy tearing this family apart. Um what the actual ...? You'd have to see it to appreciate but trust me - there's nothing warm or fluffy about it.

Her world is a very small and painful place, and I want no part of it. The old Mo would be texting her back, calling, begging her to talk, taking on all that poison and vitriol. This one? Nah. Just stunned amazement that she truly can't see herself in all this.

[SunnyMeadow]

Her world is a very small and painful place, such a good way to describe it moglow. I used to jump on the "gotta call, text and soothe her feelings" thing. Now? I'm much better at really taking the time to digest what she's spewing.

I'm glad you are letting her dangle in the wind. They don't deserve how patient and accommodating we've been with them throughout the years.

[Cat of the Canals]

Update:
Literally four weeks to the day, she text again.

PDmil has a tendency to try to bait my husband by texting at very specific times. It's like she's on a schedule or something!

Good on you for not taking the bait. I'm sorry you're still being subjected to this abusive behavior. You'd think they'd give up out of boredom, but they seem entirely capable of generating their own supply when necessary.

[moglow]

Back again -

I engaged with that mean old woman last weekend and I'm glad I did. It was a reaffirmation of my previous decision, only her comments were darker and more foul than she'd voiced before. She went back, way back, spewed a whole lot of built up frustration and jealousy and where I'd failed to meet her unnamed expectations pretty much all my life. So many things I'd said and done for myself and apparently that wasn't allowed, not even when I'd chosen to travel to be with or meet my brothers somewhere - she was "pushed aside" when in fact she'd never been a consideration. We just made our own plans and went with them as people do.

Before it was over, mother went as far as openly mocking my grief when my Daddy and stepfather passed away years ago [within three months of each other after several other deaths in the family - it was a godawful year and I didn't cope well with her clawing at me to somehow "be there" for her on top of everything else]. I mean baby talk "awww poor widdle baby missed her daaaaaaddy" kind of mocking. Not one dab of compassion or kindness for that awful time or that she wasn't the only person going through a hard time. Hearing her say that and the way she said it, the demeaning "you mean nothing" tone -  Just stunned amazement at the things mother had stored up and invented, and I've no doubt that wasn't all. She just ran out of steam when I didn't respond or acknowledge anything further.

She said we'd talk another time, that her dog needed to go out. I just quietly told her "No, we won't. You have a good day." she started mocking me again with the sneering baby talk. Nope. We're done here, mother. You take care of yourself, and I hung up the phone without another word. I did block her cell phone so she can't send the poisoned texts later, she left a voicemail later same day that she'd tried to call me and got a message that her number was blocked. All mother sees is, this is an insult to and I've attacked her with my choices to look out for myself finally. She doesn't see cause and effect. She doesn't see that I put up with and allowed it far too long or that she's earned that and more. She truly doesn't see what she did or how bad it was, much less that it didn't just start and that this had been my life with her.

Breathing easier since - No headache or stomach upsets, I'm not laying awake off and on every night ruminating over everything. Just peaceful and hoping she finds it wherever or however. It just won't be with me.

[Cat of the Canals]

Sorry again that you had to endure such toxic, vicious behavior from her... and completely unreal that she still expected to "talk another time."  No thanks!

Congratulations on your newfound peace. You've earned it after a lifetime of this vile treatment.

[moglow]

Cat, I just keep thinking "when the student is ready the teacher will appear." She showed up Saturday, that's for sure! I wonder how long mother'd been talking to me that way and I just blanked it when I got caught up in the emotion of it all. I know her texts this past year particularly were increasingly snide and nothing more than potshots at me, no decency, no indication she actually wanted to talk to me. She thought she could because she always had, if that makes sense.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You already know this, but your mother's behavior toward you has been simply vile!  Such a her being sweet to SIL and nasty to you over your brother's news. That makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, logically haha. As a SG as well I get it how the bad feeling must be your fault.

All mother sees is, this is an insult to and I've attacked her with my choices to look out for myself finally. She doesn't see cause and effect. She doesn't see that I put up with and allowed it far too long or that she's earned that and more. She truly doesn't see what she did or how bad it was, much less that it didn't just start and that this had been my life with her.

This rings very true to my experience too. Also, "She thought she could because she always had." It may have been the way it was, but you are not a child any longer. Whether she ever sees it or not, I'm so glad you are doing well for yourself in the present and I wish you a very peaceful future.

[Starboard Song]

...her comments were darker and more foul than she'd voiced before. She went back, way back, spewed a whole lot of built up frustration and jealousy and where I'd failed to meet her unnamed expectations pretty much all my life. So many things I'd said and done for myself and apparently that wasn't allowed, not even when I'd chosen to travel to be with or meet my brothers somewhere.

Before it was over, mother went as far as openly mocking my grief when my Daddy and stepfather passed away years ago...Hearing her say that and the way she said it, the demeaning "you mean nothing" tone -  Just stunned amazement at the things mother had stored up and invented, and I've no doubt that wasn't all. She just ran out of steam when I didn't respond or acknowledge anything further.

Your experience mirrors ours. Years of little incidents compiled in one perfect storm. Our version of the conversation you are describing came in two parts: a series of bullying emails from my FIL, which we finally stopped replying to, and then a letter from MIL. Since FIL hadn't worked things out, she announced that she was finally free to comment openly about us. Like what you experienced, it was 20 years of complaints, the tone was mocking and childish, and some of the criticisms were disgusting.

I hope you take down as many notes about this conversation as possible. Write it down and put it away. Over time, the shock fades and -- as you know -- some of us start to wonder "could I have managed that better," or to think "after all, she really believes all that," and can doubt ourselves. I hope you are able to never ever doubt yourself.

The challenge is to make this not only a moment of decision, but also really and truly a moment of internal peace. You deserve peace -- and need it -- far more than you need clarity about M's intentions or state of mind. Please be prepared for a good deal of processing time.

Be good. Be strong.

[moglow]

Starboard, it was an offload of the most off the wall resentments I've ever heard. A lot of it she's never voiced before but has apparently been holding on to for quite some time, she went pretty far back. I think she fully believed every word she spoke, dug down deep for some of the foulest stuff I've ever heard come out of her mouth, the most asinine accusations. How situations in her life were all my doing and the awful things I'd supposedly done behind her back, one big sick fantasy about me undermining her relationships with everyone. No thought that I spend time with or talk to people because I genuinely enjoy their company and appreciate them as fellow human beings. Nope - it's all about her.

Honestly I think it was a whole heap of projection because so much of that is what mother thinks and how SHE operates, even things she's said to me about other people in years past. She may have said half of it just trying to get some kind of reaction, I don't know. Thing is, we weren't even on the phone that long and that was the first opportunity she'd had to say anything in quite a while - and she went THERE?? Still somehow wondered why I don't call or visit? It's bad enough on the phone, no way do I want to be around that in person! After all that I don't want to try and understand her anymore, I hope I never understand that kind of darkness.

I've been doing some stream of consciousness writing, working through that menage of crazy and absurd and wrapping my mind around the imaginary mother I had thought was in there somewhere. She's not. Mother is so lost in all that poison I don't think she could find compassion if she tried, not one clue what she said to me or how she said it, probably no remorse if she did. Maybe that's why she always went silent after her rampages in the past, somehow she knew she went too far and thought a little time would erase it. She always came back playing all nice and concerned, just long enough to suck me back in because I wanted to see better in her.

I'm not remotely interested in doing that again. She needs to make whatever apologies she needs for herself and just stay away. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to unload on her and I don't wish her ill - there's no need. Mother's done more than enough of that on her own.

[Starboard Song]

I've been doing some stream of consciousness writing, working through that menage of crazy and absurd and wrapping my mind around the imaginary mother I had thought was in there somewhere. She's not. Mother is so lost in all that poison I don't think she could find compassion if she tried, not one clue what she said to me or how she said it, probably no remorse if she did.

It is a terrible thing to have to come to that realization. But it is even worse to fail to come to it when it is true. I am sorry you're having this turbulence now but I have no doubt this particularly ugly spasm will pay off in the clarity it has provided you.

You are doing right to walk away.

[moglow]

Thx, Starboard. I'm so sorry you get all this, that you understand what it took to get me to this point. That threadbare relationship you mentioned earlier has haunted me, truer words were never spoken.

One thing that my mind circles back to - brother #2 commented that mother seems intent on finding relevance, that she's making the most mundane and obscure things about/against her as if we had some devious plan. She's possibly even realized how empty her life is yet seems genuinely confused as to why. Again, no insight to herself or how she treats others, no consideration that actively attacking and pushing people away is meeting her apparent goal in that regard. She may have seen this latest download with me as "you can't break up with ME, I'll break up with YOU first!" A competition again, only she's not seeing that there's no "winner" here. No one gains anything - well, other than me and my peace once I let go of it all.

What was telling to me personally was listening to her list of woe, all the things I'd supposedly done over the years and trying to see myself through her eyes. Really, that's what you got from that incident? You honestly thought my goal was to ...WHAT?? It honestly didn't occur to you that I didn't do anything other than go and be a part of special occasions with our family? One she flung back in my face was a retreat I went on "for [her] birthday" - Um no, I didn't go FOR her birthday! I had been on a waitlist to go on this retreat in the mountains and they had a last minute cancellation, called to see if I wanted to book it before they went down their list. I asked for a couple of days off work and went, and yes it fell on the weekend of her birthday. That wasn't even an issue in my mind - I made a point to mail her a card before I left because I knew I wouldnt be able to call day of. Didn't think any more of it until she refused to answer my calls for several days late,r then had epic meltdown that I dared travel for her birthday!

The self involvement and self centeredness of it all! The more she talked the more I heard ME ME ME, with no regard for others and their own needs. She desperately needs to get out of that house and get involved with something somewhere, light up that darkness in her mind and soul. This is a prime example of someone being their own worst enemy, and trying to take everyone else down with her. I rode that train far too long and hopefully have now learned that jumping off is not a bad thing! It's far less poisonous to the soul to quietly admit defeat and save myself. 


Y'all be blessed!

[Andeza]

Download, yes that's what they do. You've just given me a lovely little ah-ha moment Moglow, thank you. Their RAM fills up with all the, for lack of better words, crap, and then they have to download it somewhere because they can't do a wipe themselves.

But healthy people know how to wipe out the crap of life from their own RAM.

Sorry for the tech comparison, but it is just such a succinct way of phrasing it that it is perfect.

If I knew you in real life, after this latest bit, I'd offer to take you out for a coffee or some such. Go do something fun or relaxing with a buddy or even alone (I prefer alone usually, massive introvert) to help remind your synapses what normal and healthy looks like, and that you don't need all your M's toxins and poison in your life. People like that... they live off of and for the hate. It's like they're fermented in it and they just keep rolling along, perfectly preserved, stewing in the hate and leaving us to scratch our heads as to how they haven't managed to have a heart attack yet. If I walked around with all that... dang. I might keel over of a coronary.

Keep up the writing. It's an excellent processing tool.

[moglow]

You're welcome, Andeza! Years ago I remember her saying she "just needs to vent." She didn't understand that's what she did every phone call, a hard recitation of who said what to whom, massive dump of bitterness and spite. As her world grew smaller she just turned that on whoever is available.

She calls the one GC brother who actually talks to her, leaves really snotty messages like she thinks they'll encourage him/anyone to call?? At this point I'm sure she's tippy toeing around him, he'd give her what-for quick fast and in a hurry and she doesn't have fallback/me as an alternative. We talked about it yesterday, that she can and does absolutely turn it on and off depending on her audience.

I fail to see the purpose to any of it, unless one is that into slamming doors and locking others out. If it all goes back to abandonment issues, isn't this just creating that very scenario, get them before they can get her??

I'm feeling better about my long overdue resignation, not ruminating but writing things out and putting them down. May write her a letter and have a ceremonial burning for Independence Day. Seems fitting.