We got out!

[Andeza]

When DH and I first got married, I thought his family was normal. They were successful, money savvy, intelligent, well-educated, seemed nice, etc. That illusion has fallen away over time. Close to a decade.

DH and I have moved a ridiculous number of times in our married life. There have been many reasons, but this last time was the only time I felt moved to go through my faith. And maybe it was just in time. We'll see. But this last move was to leave his parent's basement. We lived with them for nearly two years, an arrangement that was well timed due to the pandemic, and that they had offered to continue for many more.

But DH was not a happy camper, and the more we watched, the more alarming things were said, and really bad behaviors came to light.

Our conclusion is that MIL is some sort of PD. It's hard to nail it down, as it manifests as OCPD with heavy waifing traits, but she's very high functioning and cunning. But even that is difficult to say because the majority of her behaviors are extremely covert, and she never dared pull crap with me. Only with my sweet husband and SIL did her more queen/witch side ever show. But, I'm an alpha female type, and while I present as quiet, I have a spine these days and a tongue and mind sharp enough to do battle when necessary. Still, it was a hard call to say for sure that she was uPD of some variety, because I grew up with blatant disfunction.

I'm sharing not so much to get help or seek advice, but to help others if I can, and to keep the memory alive for my own sake as well. There were warning signs that started cropping up.

They started talking about us staying as though it would be permanent.

MIL would say things like "after your dad is gone" because his family health history is, admittedly, full of early passings. But still! She's awfully presumptuous.

In the final days, she attempted to interfere in parenting decisions. (DH put his foot down hard, as did I.)

She cried and waifed about our decision to leave, claiming it was unwise despite clear evidence it is a good move in just about every way possible.

Her controlling personality started to show, and the mask was slipping more with me.

She ignored our longterm desires and plans as though we would just dismiss them in favor of free housing.

We moved near them years ago, saying from the beginning that the state they were living in would not be our final stop. We didn't want to live there permanently, but they conveniently forgot about that. Inconvenient for them, I don't forget things.

Over time, we realized that DH had been groomed to think he was stupid. They hid his significant learning disability from him. His mother rewrote history constantly, making him believe his memory was utter crap. They were in complete denial about injuries and subsequent memory loss he suffered in an accident. His childhood was full of emotional abuse meant to beat him down and make him think he was somehow less than... But worst of all... we realized he was being groomed to play dutiful son, and take care of her if his dad dies early.

Holy enmeshment batman!

From the beginning of our marriage, I was working to break that enmeshment, without knowing what it was. Like a broken record I would say things to him like "they don't need to know every detail of your life." He still has moments when he needs reminded, but he's very quick now to recognize what's going on. I'm proud of him. He's grown a lot.

We are far away now. Hundreds of miles and about twelve hours worth of driving. Still also very far away from my own uBPDm. A good spot for now, and we're quite happy about it. We left behind a sobbing MIL, no doubt grieving the ruination of her plans, and the area we moved to is like one giant can of MIL repellent. I have no problem with it, but I grew up poor, next to piles of junk cars in the neighbor's yard. Their space, their place, not my business.

Thus ends an odd chapter of our lives. We learned a lot along the way. A whole lot of how not to act, honestly. Things are looking bright now.

[bloomie]

Andeza - what a great update and a cautionary tale for others. Thanks for sharing how your understanding of the unhealthy underbelly of your mil's behaviors has come to light for you and your DH.

I hope your new home and breaking free will bring much peace and healing for you all. How wise to use all that you have observed and experienced to grow and learn! Bravo!

[Cat of the Canals]

Congratulations!!!  We moved 1300 miles from our FOOs almost two years ago, and the distance has given us so much clarity.

They started talking about us staying as though it would be permanent.

MIL would say things like "after your dad is gone" because his family health history is, admittedly, full of early passings. But still! She's awfully presumptuous.

God this is so disturbingly familiar. PDmil loves to say, "I'm no spring chicken." or "I won't be around forever, you know." (She's in her 60s. She's not that ancient.)

She also fantasizes about her adult children moving home to live with her and has even tried to orchestrate scenarios in which they would be forced to do so. Before my BIL died, he got bit by his roommate's dog. MIL texted my husband and asked him to get the landlord's phone number. She wanted to call the landlord and convince him to let BIL out of the lease, using the dog incident as leverage (as if a tenant's dog is the landlord's responsibility?). This was NOT something she had discussed with BIL, and we knew it wasn't what he wanted (because he could talk to the landlord himself if he wanted out...). MIL knew that, too, because she told my husband, "Don't tell [BIL] that I'm the one asking for the number."

ME: Why would she think this is a good idea? It was hard enough for him to find this place to rent. It's going to be even worse now in the middle of the pandemic.
H: Think about it. What would she gain by him having no place to go?
ME: Oh my god. She wants to force him to move in with her!

We'd been joking for years about how she was trying to trap someone in her basement to keep as a pet. Turns out we were more right than we knew.

[Andeza]

If you have to go through a bad experience in life, might as well learn something from it.

What really shocks me is that she hasn't clued in on the fact that I'm not fooled by her nonsense. I also suspect she completely ignores anything I say that she doesn't like. In other words, I have GC status for reasons unknown.

She likes to tell me that if anything should happen to DH, I will always have a place with them. No thanks. But... guess she doesn't know we already have all that sorted. If anything happens to him, I'll be fine. And so will our kids. And it won't be anywhere near the in-laws.

Additionally, there were moanings about who would be there to help them out if something should happen. We bluntly told them not us. We would be many miles and hours away, with responsibilities holding us at home. For some reason, they expected us to do everything and come running. Meanwhile, sil is five minutes down the road from them...

So very illogical. So very pd.