Guess who's coming to diiiiiiiiinner!!!

[Pepin]

  

DH "announced" that he would be extending an invite to DPD MIL for dinner this weekend without discussing it with me first, his wife.   

OK.  You want to play that card?  Guess what, I am not playing.  But, it will be a fantastic opportunity for me to test my gray rock skills like I did last time.

This means no alcoholic drinks for Pepin.
This also means no prepping as much as I can in advance like I usually do in order to be busy!
Is Pepin going to be overly cheery and pleasant?  Nope.  Bland Pepin is who will be hosting this dinner.
And my personal favorite: asking DPD MIL questions that require long answers rather than letting her off easy with YES and NO questions.  Why do I do this?  Because I want her to know that I know she can speak English very well and that she has not forgotten any of it. 
Last of all but not least, giving my DH extra attention and asking for his help so that we work together as a team like husband and wife.

Yes, our home will be clean and inviting! 
Yes, the table will be set thoughtfully and DPD MIL will be assigned her usual seat.
Yes, I will be waiting to insert myself at appropriate times during dinner time conversation where I demonstrate that I can stand up for myself and my marriage.
Yes, I will be protecting my kids and questioning anything DPD MIL says that makes my kids feel like they are under a microscope.
Yes, sexist and misogynist comments by her will be attacked and questioned for clarity.
Yes, gossip about other family members will not be allowed and shut down.

I am actually looking forward to this.

If there is anything I am missing, please let me know.

Best of all, I'll be saying BYE BYE in my brightest voice when DH takes her back home.

[Cat of the Canals]

Just the title of this thread makes me want to scream, "NOOOOOOOOO!" (Thinking about my own PDmil, of course.) I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it with so my grace if my husband sprung that on me without warning. Are you expected to cook for this event? I hope not.

Still, it sounds like you've got your armor on and a solid game plan in place. May the gray rock be with you!

Can I ask what you say when she says something sexist/misogynistic? PDmil frequently makes racist comments and other gross remarks, and I feel strongly that I should make it clear I don't agree and find it offensive, but I usually end up shocked into silence instead.

[Leonor]

Oh, good for you!

I'd take the kids out for pizza and let the two of them stare at each other across a messy table in an empty house!

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

[Boat Babe]

Oh, good for you!

I'd take the kids out for pizza and let the two of them stare at each other across a messy table in an empty house!

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

Hahahahaha

[Pepin]

Can I ask what you say when she says something sexist/misogynistic? PDmil frequently makes racist comments and other gross remarks, and I feel strongly that I should make it clear I don't agree and find it offensive, but I usually end up shocked into silence instead.

Like you I have also sat there shocked and in silence.  In DPD MIL's culture males are favored over females but no one is higher than the matriarch which happens to be DPD MIL at the moment.  There is only one male grandchild that is carrying on the family name and he is the appointed GC.  He has a sister who is largely invisible and DPD MIL loooooooves talking about him.  Generally all the female grandchildren don't get much notice unless they "do" something in the form of a task that benefits DPD MIL- and this includes the only other male grandchild who is the son of DH's sister and he is pretty much laughed about and ignored.  I can only imagine if we had had boys what our lives would have been like!  We are blessed to have girls. 

DH on the other hand is not the oldest male child but for waterer reason is the appointed GC -- but is technically being scapegoated for his brains.  He can pretty much figure anything out or make it happen.  His older brother....not so much.  And DPD MIL talks about the shortcomings of older brother a lot as well as the things about the sisters that she doesn't agree with.  I don't like this.  I also don't like hearing the grandchildren being compared to each other either. 

[Pepin]

Oh, good for you!

I'd take the kids out for pizza and let the two of them stare at each other across a messy table in an empty house!

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

I WISH I could pull this off but DH would probably blow up.  He cannot see what we see or is in denial.  He is kind of enmeshed when she is around and it is clear that he was groomed to be like that.  I think he does have some kind of trauma from his past going on but I haven't quite figured it out.  He likes to play the "we were poor" card and I'm not buying that as an excuse for behavior that forces children to be loyal toward their badly behaving elders.  Thus, I give DH a slight pass but take it upon myself to be aware and set firm boundaries with him and his mother.  And of course our kids know as well and follow suit. 

While his family was poor growing up, I think there was an extreme lack of maturity from their own cultural practices and generational traumas.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think it's legitimate for you and/or the teens to have other plans for that night, too. But since you're looking forward to it...  I really like your plans to be queen of your own castle. I'm curious whether it will become like Christmas, where it just isn't worth it to your MIL anymore. (Am I remembering correctly?) I don't like, however, your husband doing that to you. Very rude.

Every time you post about your MIL and her favoritism towards the males I'm so strongly reminded of my uPDF's parents. Dad was GC, his one sister something more of a lost child. My father had all daughters, for which my mother got all the blame.  I hear your sentiment you're glad you have girls. I think it's a blessing in disguise now that I never had a brother. My male cousins got all the attention, the girls may as well not have existed. I didn't have to work at grey rock, and I think I dodged a lot of trauma by not existing. That has a trauma of its own, but I'll take ignoring over enmeshing from my grandparents any day. I developed skills and independence whereas my male cousins were shamefully coddled.

You posted while I was writing so adding... If you really don't want to be there, I do think you have the right. Your DH does not have the right to invite his mother without your okay. Sounds like he hasn't asked her yet so you have the opportunity to put your foot down. (And even if he has invited her, still your house. She can be uninvited.) We've talked on here before about all guests needing to be okay with both partners. If that she doesn't cross your threshold is a boundary you think you need, you have that right. Not intending to say you should set that boundary, and I believe you that DH may blow up, but what do YOU need for yourself and your daughters? Personally I don't think your DH blowing up is in and of itself reason to give in. That would be allowing yourself to be controlled by his potential to have a tantrum, and if he's "successful" this time you are likely to have future episodes of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"

[Leonor]

Okay, okay ...

Order them a pizza.

Dinner is served!

Wait, doesn't mil always bring weird food?

Maybe put out some plastic forks and knives and paper napkins!

[Nomoreblind]

Hello, I hope it all goes alright "ish".  Low expectations make it a sweeter pill to swallow.

When I have moved to a different close by country, every couple of months, MIL used to start her campaign (using flying monkey SIL who I suspect has some sort of disorder too) to come and visit, to see her only grand child.  My anxiety levels used to sky rocket, trying to play some mental chess board game in my mind, about how to handle her passive aggressive digs at me, whenever H has his back turned or trials to making me agree to things I don't want to agree to.  She always came with some unexpected comment and when I reacted/ responded, I felt unwell and drained anyway afterwards. Last visit, a year ago due to the pandemic, I have mainly grey rocked and consciously avoided to find a way to tackle her digs, as long as it did not involve my DD.  It has annoyed her and she ups the passive aggressive comments.  But I have decided it was not my job to sort that out or entertain it, I kept polite, but busy whilst still present and did not react. 

As for my H sending iinvites or receiving orders to receive MIL from SIL,  since I have let go of cooking, baking desserts and being the hostess with the most tests, during these particular visits, the number of visits he agrees to have dropped a lot, as a results of me letting go of such duties.

I have this year professionally made myself and tge house less available.  Juggling normal daily life chores, a young 5 year old child full of energy, in his early 50's, demands of work from our home and adding a demanding mother, with a beginning of dementia who rocks the peace in his house, with her "jokes"seems to be less appealing to him now now, as he handles the burdens of such visits on his own and he knows it.  I just sit down as the queen of my castle and only take care of my DD during these visits and chat with H.  I make the occasional "hmmm, ah, during MIL or SIL's comments.

I think MIL feels annoyed as I don't focus on her.  With anyone else, I will not behave in such a way, as it may seem rude.  However this is the only way I have found to maintain my inner peace.  I feel that having a conversation with an individual who does not think you are allowed your own opinion and can turn anything against you is draining. 

Whatever you choose to do, choose options which make YOU feel comfortable and reduces the stress for you as a person.  Good luck.

[sandpiper]

Things I learned during three decades of uBPD MIL
DH: 'My parents are coming to dinner.'
Me: 'Oh. What are you cooking?' Followed by 'Well don't look at me, I'll be out with the girls that night.'
I gave it seven years of trying to manage their visits before I realised that no matter what i did, their end goal was the same - to do something to pit DH and I against each other and to create some sort of ongoing conflict or friction that would damage/undermine our relationship.
MIL died last year at the start of lockdown (not Coviid, other causes) and we're still revelling in the peace that it's brought us. I hope she found peace but it's hard to imagine, after several decades doing everything in her power to upset that, that peace is actually something she'd enjoy.
Good luck.

[Pepin]

Happily, the dinner went pretty smooth.  I was able to give DPD MIL minimal attention from a neutral place.  She didn't get any details out of me about much of anything.  The conversation was kept to surface chat mostly but she did try and stir up something about one of her grandsons because he wasn't cutting her grass anymore since he was busy with school and work.  I told her, why not hire someone and she replied: too expensive (which is the response for everything but really means that she wants DH to do it). I then asked her to find a high schooler in the neighborhood as I was sure there would be many available for such an easy job.  She said nothing because she knew I had cornered her.  Whatevs.  She can afford it and knows it.  But, she went on to say how her yard looks terrible (which is true as it is the worst in the neighborhood in my opinion) and I just let her words hang in the air for her to think about.

When she showed up with DH, no one ran to the door.  I took my time and same with one of the teens.  The other teen didn't show up until we sat at the dinner table.  Eh.  The teens were also great and very mature with their conversation at the dinner table.  I was so proud of them.  It just made DPD MIL seem so small and almost insignificant.

We finished dinner with her letting our numerous burps.  I tried to ignore it but it was gross in my opinion - whether she could help it or not and she didn't apologize or cover for herself with an excuse.

Oh well.  Onward and upward.  DPD MIL was brought home promptly after the meal at her request.  Whew.  And I don't think I even looked at her the whole time really.  Don't even know what she was wearing or how her hair was. 

[sandpiper]

Well managed.
I just have one tip and that is when they do find something to whine about, don't fall into the trap of offering suggestions, solutions, advice. You let that train jump right off the tracks.When she starts grumping about the grass, that's when you say 'That's a shame. Ken, pass the salt.' And you all ignore it and change the subject. If she wants your husband to cut the grass & he agrees to it then just let that one slide.
The trick that I learned with MIL was not to get upset on behalf of others as it stopped them having to make the effort to show up and be present with their own emotional responses. If your DH ends up having to mow her grass for a while, it will also fit in with her agenda of complaining to him & once he has his fill of her poison, he'll give it up.
I learned to respond to DH doing unnecessary things for his parents with 'That's good of you.' Fixing that was his problem - don't make it yours.

[Pepin]

Well managed.
I just have one tip and that is when they do find something to whine about, don't fall into the trap of offering suggestions, solutions, advice. You let that train jump right off the tracks.When she starts grumping about the grass, that's when you say 'That's a shame. Ken, pass the salt.' And you all ignore it and change the subject. If she wants your husband to cut the grass & he agrees to it then just let that one slide.
The trick that I learned with MIL was not to get upset on behalf of others as it stopped them having to make the effort to show up and be present with their own emotional responses. If your DH ends up having to mow her grass for a while, it will also fit in with her agenda of complaining to him & once he has his fill of her poison, he'll give it up.
I learned to respond to DH doing unnecessary things for his parents with 'That's good of you.' Fixing that was his problem - don't make it yours.

You are right -- it is pointless to bring up suggestions because she would have thought of them on her own!  I do this when it comes to her health though.  I don't offer anything except "that's too bad". 

Thankfully, grandson cut the grass and DH got out of it.  Technically, grandson's Dad or Mom (DH's sister) should be mowing the grass since DPD MIL was daycare for their kids M-F with three meals and sometimes Saturday and overnights for 10 years+.  And she and FIL did this for free.  Went from retirement to daycare because she liked the attention it garnered even though she didn't like being daycare and complained to anyone that would listen.   

[sandpiper]

They really are a pain.
My MIL has been dead for a year now & nobody has missed her. It's awful to say that but it's true. She managed to set up a situation where she had one child doing everything for her (my DH) and I pointed out to him that she did this in part so that she could use it as a wedge for the 'good son/bad son' dynamic that she had set up from birth between him and his brother.
All I can say is that having spent three decades navigating that woman's antics, I learned a helluva lot about spotting toxic agendas and learning how not to fall down those sinkholes. It's never-ending.
Pat yourself on the back for getting through that dinner, reflect on what worked, what didn't work, what you can do differently next time & the big one, learn to step back a bit so that your husband has to deal with it and you don't get stuck in the middle.
I made a decision that I was going to detach as much as possible from my in-laws, but try to do so in a way that didn't impinge on my own integrity.
I asked myself what I would be comfortable with DH doing for his parents if they were actually decent human beings instead of manipulative, toxic _______s. (Insert cranky descriptor to suit) and I decided that we were just going to consistently do the right thing, and set some healthy limits on that. Just as you would with a child. It worked and when MIL passed, we didn't have any regrets or remorse or any unfinished business.
I didn't do it for that reason though - I just didn't want their toxicity pushing me out of shape and getting in the way of the kind of human being that I want to be.
And that is really tough, because MIL had a way of bringing out every worst impulse in me because she was just so damned mean.
Just make sure you have a balance so that for every one of these visits by MIL, you and your family have something really enjoyable to do soon afterwards.
That was one of the things that I learned to do.
And DH realised soon enough by the contrast - Parents, yuck vs. time with me: harmonious, genuine, comfortable.
They don't make it easy, do they?