1 year out, still uncovering codependence baggage

[eyesopen]

I filed for divorce at the beginning of last year and it was finalized last June. So it's been a little over a year that I've been continually discovering and working on healing myself from the toxic relationship.

Before divorcing, I didn't think of myself as codependent at all. I was seeing a counselor for a while and because I was so lost in the fog at the time, I had no idea how bad it was. But now that I'm on the other side, I'm noticing all kinds of things that are leftover habits / mental programming that make clear how codependent I was. There are times I think I'm doing better and I'm on the other side of it, but then something new comes up for me to work on.

First, it was coming Out of the FOG, realizing the truth of the person I'd spent my life with, and coming to terms with the end of the relationship. As I processed the end of the relationship and was letting her go, she actually made it pretty easy for me to do that because she started being really nasty toward me. Then the couple times she was suddenly nice, it was obvious that she wanted something from me and I had no problem enforcing my boundary that I'm not going to fix her problems for her. She didn't hoover me really forcefully, but any hint of it was easily thwarted.

Next, I spent some months on my own working on myself. I'm ok with being alone, but it became apparent that the long toxic relationship left me alienated from my family and without any friends. I began reaching out to my family again and eventually started going to a group fitness class to get out of the house and socialize.

Things were going well and I was happy when I met a woman through the fitness class and we really hit it off. I was keen to look for red flags of the new woman being anything like my ex and in every way possible, this new woman was better. She's understanding, self aware, doesn't lash out when emotional, takes responsibility and doesn't blame, etc. The one red flag I missed was that we both jumped into the relationship super fast. In less than 2 months we were talking of love and a future life together.

She has some complications in her own personal life and she's handling them herself, which I saw as a good thing. I recognized within myself an urge to help, to fix her problems for her, to make it all better, and I resisted that temptation realizing that it's codependence baggage. Yay for me.

But then she pulled away, saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. This is where my codependent urges and feelings really ramped up. We're great friends and we connect really well with each other, so it's been very hard for me to give her the space she needs. We didn't break up, per se, but it's more of a pause without any guarantee of a future. I'm overthinking.

I'm afraid of being alone again. I AM alone, but the codependent part of me wants to hang onto hope that she and I still have a good chance at a future together. I know intellectually that I should let it be, focus on improving myself, and trust that the future will unfold in the proper way. I want to control the outcome but I need to let that urge go.

Thinking back at some of our interactions, I've discovered another remnant of my codependency. I thought I was nice and that's just the way I am. I realized that being nice should just mean that I'm honest, caring, kind, and supportive. But I discovered that I'm afraid of saying anything critical to a woman I care about. I had learned there was always retaliation whenever I said a critical word, but not everyone lashes out in anger at criticism. I was unable to be critical of this new woman. There were times she needed me to be honest with her instead of nicely consoling her, but my previous programming prevented me from doing so. And I'm beating myself up and blaming myself for being this way... another piece of codependent baggage.

Thank you for reading. I've been having an emotional day and have been hard on myself. I'm going to a yoga class this evening, will spend some time reading, and will hopefully get myself into a better state of mind. My reason for sharing is to organize my thoughts, share with others online because I have no one to share this with personally, and to let you all know that this is a long process. Letting the failed marriage to a PD go was the easy part. Reprogramming my thoughts, reactions, urges, and ways of relating to people is and will continue to be a very difficult task.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you can embrass the lessons about yourself this relationship gave the opportunity to learn.  Such things make the future brighter, and having had the relationship makes you better to this extent, even the pain of loss stinks.

Even if she moves on, you know you are lovable and can have friendships even if the relation had some flaws due to baggage.

I know If I was dating and hit if off initially my heart would be so in need it would dive in even if intellectually I knew better.

The pain of losing a relationship is real even of the relationship is short.

Keep in memory that people who date are are often testing the waters for a best possible match.  Being a good match is not a bad thing, but not the goal that was set by the other.  If the other does not settle you are free to seek a better match also.

Wether you get to pick up where you left off or have to start again, I hope you find yourself on the path to the best possible future.