No Contact Explanation

[Hepatica]

I am NC with my u NPD parents and my toxic sister. It started as me backing away slowly over the years, and then one day, after my uNPD father showed up and told me I was crazy, I'd had enough and boom. I just have not contacted any of them. This was last fall.

My eighteen year old asked me this week why. And then what would I do at their funerals and how does it feel to have no family. He wasn't being mean. He was really curious and almost seemed worried.

I was as honest as I could be, without wanting to load him with examples of what I've gone through specifically. I even, honestly said, I don't know to a lot of his questions about how I'd feel when they die.  I don't know how I'm going to feel. Very bad I imagine, and afraid, and out numbered by the larger FOO, who I am sure have judgement about backing away from elderly parents.

It was just hard and I welled up and cried, and face flushed and I was beet red after I finished talking about it. Very emotional. I've been feeling bad for days now.

I feel so sad that he has lost as well. And I couldn't think fast enough to say, that perhaps he'd gained in that loss, in the sense that there would be more peace and safety for me and him. It's hard. Because they are kind to him, and he did not live with them for 18 years to see how dark they can be. They put on great masks around him.

Feel like the bad guy a bit. Feel quite sad about it all.

[MarlenaEve]

Feeling like the bad guy is the manipulation and grooming they pulled on you over the years. It's a family system feeling and not your true feeling. Your true self doesn't feel this way, i am sure she is relieved and happy to be away from them and live your own life.
Recognizing that these feelings are manipulations and not really who i truly am deep inside really helped me get Out of the FOG. BUT i know getting out of that fog of destructive emotions takes time. And congrats on being NC, that's an act of self-love and self-care.

[Hepatica]

THank you MarlenaEve. I really needed someone to say that to me, to remind me. I'm doing the best I can over here, and only trying to distance from bad behaviour, rather than be bad.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hepatica

Oof. That is hard and I feel for you.

It is so wise of you to know that at 18 and with their masks on, he can't really know what you went through with them. We here all know it was part of their PD to treat him a certain way and then treat you a certain way. But at his age that would be hard to really get.

A PD is a PD is a PD. Given enough time and access they would eventually hurt him the way they have hurt you. Lots of peoples stories here can attest to that. Can any of our kids really know what they were protected from - after we went NC? I think this is why the forum can help so much. It reminds us we are not alone in these steps.

It's hard to explain PDs to kids. Kids do understand bullies though. But its hard for them to think that a parent would bully their own child.

Early in my NC I worried a lot about funeral day. This forum has helped me to frame that anxiety and how interesting it is that we weigh that day as carrying so much weight. Especially early on when we are healing. As you are. So I really appreciate you posting about this.

Like you said its the (enmeshed) FOO who will out number those who pulled away from the abuse in order to heal. It seems that is the case in most families today.

It sounds like you have raised a thoughtful child. That's a beautiful thing.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

That you were honest and open in your grief means more than saying the "right" thing that maybe it's better this way. You are continuing to choose to stay NC, despite all the difficult feelings and uncertainty about the future. I think it's very admirable that you let your son see that side of the reality.

[nanotech]

I wish I'd gone NC years before. Good on you!
I think your son is just trying to understand things. He must feel very loved and secure in HIS FOO so that's a great job you've done. It simply bothers him that you don't have that support system.  It's coming from caring. He will see it in time. He seems halfway  there with you already.

My son used to insist that my Nsis was wonderful- his favourite auntie. Why had I got a problem with her? He liked how she asked about his life and 'took an interest'. 
Surely we could work things out? 
After all, she was my sister, and family comes first? 
Truth was, Nsis just knew exactly how  to flatter his ego. He fell for it, hook line and sinker.
He acted like a vehicle for her FOG. It caused some trouble for a while.
He spoke to her, while I didn't.

Same issue with N parents.
Daughter was supportive of me,  but she told me for a long time that she thought I was exaggerating about my NParents. 
My N parents were so lovely to her. She even lived with them as a teen for a year, and they were totally different with her, to how they'd been with me.
(LSS-The reason they did this was to get me to move back to my home town).
When they treat your kids so sweetly- it's a form of  manipulation through gaslighting.

Our role is to accept and support it, as this feeds the  'happy family' fantasy, which we all want to believe.
You actually start to doubt your own memory, which is what they want.  There's an incentive to doubt it. 
Who wouldn't want to think all of that hadn't occurred?

Then.suddenly...omg a family(FOO) crisis hit.
All the masks came flying off. 
Now, my kids get it.
Totally!

Child number three was born after the  great demasking.
I'd been devalued/ discarded by then.
And so was she.
She's always seen the dysfunction, even before she knew what to call it.
She's now a very well rounded adult, the emotionally healthiest of the three.

[Hepatica]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. My sister is very charming and she can lure anyone in that she puts her mind to. She definitely gave my son attention, and anyone would fall for her. She is all light and rainbows and really knows how to love bomb an innocent. It took me years to see thru the cracks myself. And I think that in the past five years she's become extremely, unusually repetitive about her pain and illnesses, so that a lot of people are beginning to see that she needs constant attention. My sons' pretty astute and I think he'd see thru her if he spent significant time with her. My parents are fairly obviously mentally off. My mother's gambling and my father's hoarding is terrible and right there, no denying it. I just hope my son comes to realize that my choices have been hard, but necessary for my peace of mind.

I think the loss, you know, it comes in waves and it's hit me hard this week. I also began to watch Irene Lyon videos on Youtube. It's excellent information about neurobiology and trauma. But all of this has stirred up a lot for some reason. I guess that's the ups and downs of the healing process.

[nanotech]

I know about that grief. I'm sending hugs. XxxxX 

[Boat Babe]

Our PD parents put us in impossible situations, as children and then as adults. It's unbelievably tough.

Well done for maintaining NC, really well done.

Well done for raising an emotionally healthy child, really well done!

I think that showing your feelings to a young adult in this case is perfectly ok and you don't need to feel bad about it, at all. These things happen and at 18, your child actually needs to know exactly why things are as they are in the family. He may take some time to process it so maybe just leave it there till he's ready to talk about it.

Sending hugs Hepatica.

[OWIU (Only Way Is Up)]

Hepatica, please be kind to yourself. Your post (and the replies from everyone else) really strike a chord. The fact you worry so much about the impact of things on your son shows what a genuine person you are – something you didn't get to experience yourself from your FOO.

I love your John O'Donohue quote, btw. So here is another from him – "... In the kingdom of love there is no competition; there is no possessiveness or control. The more love you give away, the more love you will have."

[doglady]

I'm NC too with my uPD parents and have an 18yo and a 19yo. They've also asked some questions and I've provided what I believe to be factual and appropriate answers, but I've still felt ashamed as I've told them - aka 'the bad guy' like you say. Those old feelings of guilt and extreme shame at not being able to just 'go along to get along' and basically fake it for the sake of appearances just well up so often for me.

I'm pretty sure my kids actually do get it. And I've always said to them that they are welcome to have as much contact as they want with my parents. Neither of them seek it out, though. That says something in itself.

I also think it's ok for our children to see us being emotional - we are human, after all! - and sometimes we just can't keep it together when talking about this, much as we might like to. They can also come to their own conclusions.

I think you did a great job and it sounds as if your son gets it, and is also taking his time to process what it means. I'm sure he knows you wouldn't have undertaken NC lightly. I guess he would also need to know he should be able to feel ok about asking you questions even if you do become upset during the discussion. Maybe your husband can support you in these discussions.

I hope you can move past feeling bad about baring your emotions to your son.  You were honest and human. Your son will appreciate that and he is old enough to do so. Our children need to learn that life can be complicated.

It's tough. Look after yourself, Hepatica. You're a decent human being - it comes through in all your posts - and your son certainly knows that.

[Amadahy]

Aw, Hepatica.  I'm sorry.  For years, I thought I had shielded my sons from knowing the toxicity of my Nmom.  But, when things went south a few years ago, I saw that they had known all along.  DS 1 even said, "You don't have to protect us anymore, mom."  Wow! 

Your son knows you're not horrible -- someone who becomes emotional over these things cares and has tried (and tried and tried).  Any voice putting negative thoughts in your head is PD programming and it seems real, but it is not.  In fact, your DS sounds like quite the wonderful young man, so  I say "Well done, mom." 

[Dandelion]

Hi Hepatic, I wanted to respond as I too have an 18 year old son and some similar circumstances, so some of what you said struck a chord with me.

I too am NC with my narcissistic mother (these past 8 months)  and I too have an 18 year old son still in contact with her.  He has witnessed some of her behaviour, but doesn't remember or wasn't there for most of her major rages over the years (for example).  He is also more distant as a grandson and she is also generally "nicer" to him (similar to you).  She has occasionally been a bit unpleasant to him, but he believes he can "handle" her, and her 'touchy' antics don't seem to bother him too much.  I hope it stays that way. 

She did demand he buy her a massive television when he got a bit of money when he was 18, and as I was NC there was little I could do to intervene once the "gift" she demanded had been agreed!  She probably realised that and enjoyed my having to put up with that.
She has plenty of money incidentally and doesn't need my son's money in any way, shape or form.  And this money was meant to help him starting out in life.  I was really cross about that and he was a bit annoyed himself, but we discussed it and I made it clear he shouldn't given her any more ever! 

We live 3 hours away from her, so she cannot get him in her pocket so easily that way.  I have told him the basics of why I am not in contact and to be wary of her in his dealings with her.  He kind of accepts all this, though, like you, I don't think he really "gets" the full reasons, and his understanding on and interest in the subject is fairly limited - which seems fair enough.  Your son sounds very kind and I hope he manages to stay away too from the toxic stuff.  Right now I am just my own person doing my own thing, and its very nice without duty calls and rages etc etc etc.  Recently I have been feeling quite happy without family or friends who don't have a positive effect on my life.  I seem to be experiencing this late in life but it feels quite liberating. 

[Kiki81]

I stopped explaining myself to other people.

It's none of their business.

I also don't slow down to look at road accidents.