How to talk to my kids about MIL

[homeworkpanda]

Hi! I'll try to keep this short, with the understanding that nothing about family dynamics here is simple. My MIL has uBPD. My husband bore the brunt of her emotional manipulation for his entire life, and my DH, myself, and our 3 kids went 100% NC about 18 months ago. I don't completely agree with that decision, but I have supported it. Since then, healing has been complicated by revelations abut repeated sexual abuse by my MIL toward my DH. DH has pretty severe cPTSD and is in therapy. We have always left open the possibility of reconnecting with my MIL at sometime, but that wasn't necessarily the goal. In my husband's last therapy sessions, the therapist pretty clearly stated that there was no reason why my husband needs to ever see his mom again.

But I am grieving her loss ALOT. I am grieving the loss for my kids' sake (all girls, ages 6, 5, 3). My oldest talks about her Granny alot and misses her. So far, we've pretty much just said that "Granny has some grown up problems, and we can't be around her right now", but my oldest is starting to ask for more explanations.

How do I do this? How do I essentially tell a 6 year old that she will likely never see her Granny again? I know how to handle my own grief, but I don't know how to walk my kids through this.

[Cat of the Canals]

First I want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. What an awful thing for your husband to have experienced.

I think I'd continue with the, "We can't see Granny right now" angle. In theory, once they are of age, your kids could see her again. So I don't think there's a reason or benefit to stating they will never see her again.

Maybe, with your husband's permission, you could eventually expand the explanation to something along the lines of "Granny did some very hurtful things to Daddy, and he needs time away from her. We are helping him with that."

Beyond that, I think the best thing you can do is leave them space to continue to ask questions, to voice any frustration or upset at the interruption of this relationship, etc. You can't fix their grief or take it away, but you can allow them to express it and empathize with those feelings of loss.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think you are handling it very well for their ages. I had similar age kids when Our family went NC with my FOO, and dealing with the loss of grandparents is just hard, whether it happens through death or estrangement. Of course your six year old is wanting to know why.

She probably also wants to know where babies come from, how much money you make, and what she's getting for her birthday. She's simply not ready for that information, and it's not her problem.

What helped me and them the most was to express empathy for how they're feeling at the moment. "Yes, I know you miss Grandma. Sometimes I'm sad too. Yes, you did have good times with her." I like what you say about "grown up problems." It is true and also age-appropriately vague. More specific questions have been met with, "That's between me and grandma."

I agree with sticking with the "right now," angle, or else simply speaking in the present tense. It wouldn't really do any good with children this young to go down the road of "probably forever." Not to give them false hope, but forever to a six-year-old is a very nebulous concept anyway and makes the whole thing seem of greater impact that you need it to. The idea you want to convey is it's okay to be sad but they will be okay. I have said something to my kids to the effect of, "I know you don't understand and this is a sad thing for you, but can you trustDaddy and me to take good care of our family?" That question has seemed to be very comforting to them. They get to be a child.

[Fiasco]

Since then, healing has been complicated by revelations abut repeated sexual abuse by my MIL toward my DH. DH has pretty severe cPTSD and is in therapy.

In my husband's last therapy sessions, the therapist pretty clearly stated that there was no reason why my husband needs to ever see his mom again.

But I am grieving her loss ALOT. I am grieving the loss for my kids' sake .

I would suggest you're not sad that your kids won't see someone who sexually abuses children, because yikes, but you're grieving the loving grandma they kids will never have because she doesn't exist. Whether she would do such a thing to your daughters or not is not the point. That she did it to  your husband should be more than enough.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

As we've gone on longer in NC my kids get sad when they see other kids with their grandparents. The truth is my kids never had much relationship with any of their uPD grandparents, and their memories of them are very hazy. They're grieving the idea of what ought to have been rather than the reality of who they have lost.

[Maisey]

I would suggest you're not sad that your kids won't see someone who sexually abuses children, because yikes, but you're grieving the loving grandma they kids will never have because she doesn't exist. Whether she would do such a thing to your daughters or not is not the point. That she did it to  your husband should be more than enough.
[/quote]

Can't stress this statement enough.

It will continue, maybe not exactly as it happened to your spouse, but in some form.

Support your spouse as he works to gain his well being. Don't him haw around about your children "losing" their grandmother. They are better off without Grandma in their lives. For your husband to try to get a handle on himself while also figuring a workable relationship for his mother ( a deviant)  and his children ( potential victims) is too much.

Grandma isn't sitting around reflecting on the past and thinking "well, I should done things different".

M.

OMG I got on a soap box.

I also meant to add that since your spouse is in contact with a professional, see what they suggest to tell your children. If you have a solid explanation and stay firm, in time your children will adjust to grandma not being a part of their lives.

Sometimes I have been so busy trying to say the correct thing, I have clouded myself up.

M.