Breakup remorse

[carnation5]

Hello,

I broke up with my NPD ex 7 months ago (we were together 6 years). The first 3-4 months after the breakup I felt completely grounded in my decision and didn't look back. I knew it was the right thing. The breakup conversation didn't go well and he just hung up on me mid-conversation, but at that point I was so tired of his behavior that I didn't even care. He ceased all communication and blocked me everywhere. I didn't care, I just saw it as yet another childish tantrum of his, that he couldn't even have a normal breakup conversation like an adult.

However a few months ago I was struck with a strong urge to get him back. It came out of nowhere. Suddenly I am DESPERATE to get his attention again. Strong remorse, seeing everything I could have done differently, all the what-ifs, guilt, fear. I have thought hard about my mistakes and really tried to take away learnings. I have grown. It has led me to think that maybe it can work this time.

I suddenly feel like I have no future without him. Nothing or no one compares to him and his larger than life, alien persona. Everyone else pales in comparison. I feel obsessed with him even though I broke up. He is stonewalling me and it is driving me insane. I think the stonewalling feeds the obsession somehow but I'm not sure how. I have spiraled into depression and anxiety (receiving help thankfully).

The sick thing is that even if he, against all odds, would somehow reply and we would get back together, I would just feel dread. I know it wouldn't work and I would just continue to feel invalidated and unseen. Maybe more now than ever because now I "owe him" for breaking up with him and have no right to make demands. I would just be even more defeated and drained by the stonewalling and his cold anger, to the point where I would be numb and just do whatever it takes to keep him happy. I would wear what I know he wants me to wear, I would agree to intimacy I didn't want, I would listen to his endless monologues and smile and pretend to be impressed the way he needs. I would live in utter guilt. I would go through the motions just to keep him around for no other reason than to avoid his even more painful absence. He would hold contempt against me and I would exterminate myself and my own needs to make it up to him. There is absolutely no world in which he would try to understand my actions and show compassion and forgiveness.

If only he could just acknowledge my feelings for once. If only he could say "I see why you ended it, I see where you were coming from even if you didn't articulate it perfectly and even if it hurt me, you didn't do it to be mean". If only we could have had a normal conversation about the relationship, both agreeing that this is a toxic cycle and we should be kind to ourselves and break it off. If only it could have ended in compassion and kindness on both ends. Then maybe I wouldn't feel such despair right now.

I feel emotionally stuck and I don't know how to untangle, even though I know it's the right thing to do. He doesn't acknowledge my existence anymore so there isn't even an option to go back.

Do you also have experience with this confusing mess of emotions coming out of the relationship? Remorse, guilt, fear of their anger even though it's only in my head at this point. What was your experience healing from it?

[Simon]

Hi Carnation.

Yes, it's perfectly normal to go through these feelings, whether you finished with them, or they finished with you.
You are Trauma Bonded, and it's very powerful.
And the longer you're with them, the stronger it tends to be (although it's powerful regardless).

When you are subject to abuse, the body sends a cocktail of chemicals to the pleasure centre of the brain (dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, etc), and because of the on/off nature of the abuse, you become addicted to the feeling.

And throughout the relationship, you are fed breadcrumbs by the narc through intermittent reinforcement.
When they feel you are slipping away, or questioning them too much, they will reel you in with love-bombing, acts of love, etc, and as soon as they think you are fully hooked again, they go back to being an ass.

This hot and cold behaviour works perfectly for the narc, but for the victim it is very damaging.
You actually fall for the person who is abusing you overtly, which is why it is often quoted as being similar to Stockholm Syndrome.
You are likely suffering from c-ptsd (Complex ptsd. Complex because the cause is from multiple things, and often not easily seen as abuse).

You mention you are getting help, so hopefully it's through a therapist.
If you are with a therapist, please make sure they have experience in narcissistic abuse, and personality disorders. This is very important.

I have thought hard about my mistakes and really tried to take away learnings. I have grown. It has led me to think that maybe it can work this time.

This is common.
I too thought that because of my new knowledge on what I went through, I would be able to "make it work" if we got back together.
Thankfully, this feeling went away, and I stayed away from my BPD ex gf, but the truth is you can't make it work.
You could be the biggest doormat for him that you could be, and besides being extremely damaging to you, it wouldn't change him one bit.
Conversely, you could be strong and rational, explaining to him how it should work, what you're boundaries are, etc, and it still wouldn't work.

They can't be fixed.
They don't want to be, because they don't believe they need to be, and no-one can tell them otherwise.
The sad truth is, they are a lost cause, and they will always leave a trail of destruction and despair behind them.
Count yourself lucky that you are out.
Many people on this board would love to be out, and are struggling to do so.

You do have a future without him.
A wonderful one, where your worth is appreciated by someone normal, and one where you are seen and loved.
But first you must fix yourself.
Concentrate on that.
Don't feel guilty for having these feelings.
They are normal, and all of us here went through them.
It's a very powerful chemical addiction, nothing more.
It gets easier, and there's plenty of help out there, starting with this forum.

I wish you luck.
I'm sure many others will be replying to you soon, but feel free to ask us anything you need.

There are millions of people on this planet who have suffered this abuse.
You are not alone.

~S~

[carnation5]

Thank you so much Simon for your response. It's a comfort to hear that I am not alone or overreacting. It's so easy to feel like I am going crazy while he is the sane one. I am the desperate one and he is detached. He has moved on and I am stuck. In fact he is the cold-hearted one and I am just being a normal human.

Taking it one day at a time. Writing it out and reading other people's stories in this forum really helps.

[Boat Babe]

I totally get you

When I left uPDbf three years ago I was utterly heartbroken and YEARNED for him every day for months  t

The only thing that kept me going was the addiction model. I knew that I craved him, I knew that he wasn't good for me, I knew it had to be total cold turkey followed by titanium NC. I white knuckled it for weeks. Gradually though, he occupied less and less headspace, my emotional state improved hugely and at the beginning of the Covid lockdown I was thanking my lucky stars that we weren't together. I am SO GLAD I got out and stayed out. My life now is really good.

[Simon]

No problem Carnation.
I'm glad it helped.

I think you're in what I personally found to be the most difficult phase, where you've enjoyed your freedom, you've gained some knowledge of what narcissistic abuse is, and are still learning, and you're looking forward.
Then, all of a sudden, you start to doubt what you know.
You start to miss them, remembering only the good times and blocking out the bad.

If someone hasn't already recommended it, I would suggest making a list of ALL the bad things he did to you during your relationship.
From the smallest thing to the biggest.
If you have a whiteboard, even better.
Once you have that long list, keep it handy, and as soon as you feel any doubts or guilt or cravings, take a good look at the list.
Read it through in it's entirety.

You won't believe how much of a huge help this is.
It kills the cognitive dissonance immediately, bringing you straight back down to earth with a bump.

Another tip that I'd recommend at this point is to focus on one of your passions.
My BPD ex gf took up all my time, and when it ended, I worked out that I hadn't sat down and played the Piano for nearly a year, and as anyone that knows me would tell you, I'm obsessed with the Piano (in a good way!  )

Here's a little video of me aged 5:
https://nebula.wsimg.com/a8dece6df907434694e9274697995737?AccessKeyId=7CCCAFA8C21F735B8E9E&disposition=0&alloworigin=1



So find something that you used to love doing, and do it!
Pour yourself into it, and grow.
It's the best medicine.

~S~

[Bunnyme]

I suddenly feel like I have no future without him. Nothing or no one compares to him and his larger than life, alien persona. Everyone else pales in comparison. I feel obsessed with him even though I broke up. He is stonewalling me and it is driving me insane.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It is normal.  I am glad you are getting professional support.  Many PDs have a persona that they show to the world.  But it isnt real.  Like someone longing for a relationship with an airbrushed model in a magazine, it is an ideal that is completely false.  It sounds like you dont want him...you want the false person he projects to be to others.  You have been a victim of his abuse, and trauma bonding is real.  I suggest the book Why Does He Do That.  Eye opening for me.  At first, I thought, "well, I wasnt actually abused," but I was really just in denial.  Lots of other books helped me, too. 

The sick thing is that even if he, against all odds, would somehow reply and we would get back together, I would just feel dread. I know it wouldn't work and I would just continue to feel invalidated and unseen. Maybe more now than ever because now I "owe him" for breaking up with him and have no right to make demands. I would just be even more defeated and drained by the stonewalling and his cold anger, to the point where I would be numb and just do whatever it takes to keep him happy. I would wear what I know he wants me to wear, I would agree to intimacy I didn't want, I would listen to his endless monologues and smile and pretend to be impressed the way he needs. I would live in utter guilt. I would go through the motions just to keep him around for no other reason than to avoid his even more painful absence. He would hold contempt against me and I would exterminate myself and my own needs to make it up to him. There is absolutely no world in which he would try to understand my actions and show compassion and forgiveness.

It sounds like you are stepping Out of the FOG.  There is a lot of cognitive dissonance that comes with getting out of it.  It is hard, but keep reminding yourself of these realities.

If only he could just acknowledge my feelings for once. If only he could say "I see why you ended it, I see where you were coming from even if you didn't articulate it perfectly and even if it hurt me, you didn't do it to be mean". If only we could have had a normal conversation about the relationship, both agreeing that this is a toxic cycle and we should be kind to ourselves and break it off. If only it could have ended in compassion and kindness on both ends. Then maybe I wouldn't feel such despair right now.

Unfortunately, he likely wont.  He probably cant.  It is one of the most frustrating things about a relationship with a pd.  You wont get your feelings validated.  They cant see things from your perspective.   I've spent countless hours of therapy on this very issue.  I've come to realize that mine actually does believe the lies he tells himself in his head about me...despite all the evidence to the contrary.  They can sometimes learn the social norms of saying they are sorry and such, but it is often just a learned response and not genuine. 

I wont tell you what to do.  You need to make your own choices...but it seems from what you describe that you already know what going back would mean for you. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Like Simon mentioned, you are blessed right now.  You are out and healing.  Over time, it will lesson but please don't make contact. 

I stayed for thirty years.  I will never get that back.  I am a physical mess over this and facing many demons.  Don't underestimate the stress a relationship like this will make on your body.

Journal.  Everything.  Like Simon mentioned.  Write it down.  When you feel that pull, lean on that writing.

This morning I woke up and felt a sense of sadness and loneliness.  The first time in a while I felt it and rode out the worst of the pandemic alone, I was tempted to reach out to him but then I logged on here.  Read back through my old posts and boom, I was back in reality and glad I didn't reach out.  Still felt lonely, but it's better than the anxiety I felt constantly before.

You got this.

[Empie2204]

Carnation5, all the answers you have got here are very good and useful. For all of us. It is worth to revise the things we already know.
The remorse you mention and suffer from is familiar to me, too. Just like you: When I left my 28yr marriage I felt free and firm in my decision. I still am, but the remorse shows up from time to time, although I did not expect it in that first free stage.
I, too, help myself with some journaled bad things I experienced from my pdh. I was writing them down while still together with my h. Even then they looked bad, but when I read them now, they show in their true light. That helps.
Quite often it is confusing to be firm and determined and to know that there will be days when my determination is going to be shaken. The things that cause shaking are those rare good moments, expressions of love that were pure acting on his part, the number of years we spent together, the financial investments we both put in our mutual life ...
All those things that should be the natural substance of a mutual life. They are offered to us in small portion, with purpose for us to be grateful.

I think that only when outside of this life we can understand what really happened to us and more important, we have to understand that we have consequences. It IS an addiction, just like any other. Unwanted and unplanned, but we have to deal with it.

Constant learning and fighting with our former self is a way to  our recovery. Being on this forum and sharing experiences is a great help.