On being a good person ....who has gone NC with NF

Started by Bothar, May 31, 2021, 01:36:56 PM

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Bothar

Hello,
It's been quite a while since I posted.  I had lost my password but finally found an old diary today with the magic information.  I never stopped reading the website but just couldn't post......maybe it was for the best.  As of now, I am NC with my NF since last August (it is my second time to go NC). I gave in before because of the guilt but sure enough I realised that I just couldn't hack it.  Anyway, this time is much easier.  No panic attacks. Off medication. Feel balanced and well.  Marriage good.  Enjoying the simple things.  I think about my NF and my sibs every day.  I feel real regret that it has to be this way but no guilt, sometimes I feel a little lonely for them but that is a fake feeling.  It has taken many years and lots of effort to get to this stage.  I am nearly 60 and I know that if I had stayed in contact, I would have been the main carer for my NF as all my siblings have bailed out, one way or another.  They were hoping that I would feel so bad that I would just hang in there.  It wasn't to be.  My biggest fear was that if I stayed in contact and carried on being a good daughter no matter what, that taking care of my NF would be my swan song.  He will probably live another 5 or 6 years (and good luck to him if he does) but he would squeeze anything I had left out of me.  I would then be heading for 70 years myself and never know what it was to feel light, or content, or feel that some part of my life belonged to me, just to enjoy.  With him, life was all about duty (mainly duty to family ie.him), doing good deeds and getting lots of praise from the neighbours or the church and it didn't matter about anything else.  I like to paint (its become a lovely hobby for me) and sometimes I have to pinch myself that I can go to my art room, sit there and just think about what I'm going to paint.  Or lie in bed at night and wonder how this or that painting is going to work out.........and not about my NF threatening to kill himself if he has to go into a care home, or griping because I'm going on a holiday with my DH.  The times I dreaded making that call to tell him I was going away for a week, or crying in the shower while I was on holiday from sheer guilt and frustration, but not wanting my DH to see me so unhappy.
I'm slightly off point here.  What I'm trying to say is that I am a good person.  I'm kind and empathetic, as you all are on this site.  Just people who want to get on with others, be there for their family and find that they simply cannot show that side of themselves to a narcissistic person.  I have received some very kind, strong and encouraging wisdom from many on this site.  I remember WomanInterrupted telling me to 'keep my hands inside the shark cage'.  I never forgot that one and I was sorry to hear she had passed x.
I am glad to have this site.  I know that I have not heard the last from my FOO, that I will have to be brave again and again.  But I take heart that I can relax now with good friends and not feel my mind wander into stress.  That I can sit with my beloved son over a coffee and just enjoy his company and not feel like I'm the freak who used to keep having meltdowns when he was a little boy.  I am so grateful for the small family unit I created with my DH.  I will keep telling myself that I AM a good person who simply cannot be in touch with people who make me feel bad about myself.  I send you all my very best wishes.

DistanceNotDefense

Love your message Bothar.

"Sometimes I feel a little lonely for them but that is a fake feeling." I needed to hear this today.

I'm NC with FOO about the same amount of time as you - and I can relate to the joys you are now saying you can relish!

Stay strong and a hug if you need one, your message is heartening to me :bighug:

Bothar

Thanks DistanceNotDefence for your kind words and hug. We will keep on keeping on and remind ourselves that we are good people dealing with a difficult and regrettable situation.  :wave:

Cat of the Canals

Thank you for sharing this! I'm currently LC but am still having bouts of Not-Doing-Enough-itis. It's always heartening to hear that it is possible to get to a point where we can really and truly leave the guilt behind.

nanotech

Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on June 01, 2021, 08:31:04 AM
Love your message Bothar.

"Sometimes I feel a little lonely for them but that is a fake feeling." I needed to hear this today.

I'm NC with FOO about the same amount of time as you - and I can relate to the joys you are now saying you can relish!

Stay strong and a hug if you need one, your message is heartening to me :bighug:

This reference to the feeling of missing them being a fake feeling.  That's helped me too.
I sometimes get this too and it's so useful to recognise these emotions as false - part of the fake idealisation we've been fed and groomed with growing up.
I'm sending a lot of hugs. Xx

Boat Babe

Quote from: nanotech on June 02, 2021, 05:35:22 AM
Quote from: DistanceNotDefense on June 01, 2021, 08:31:04 AM
Love your message Bothar.

"Sometimes I feel a little lonely for them but that is a fake feeling." I needed to hear this today.

I'm NC with FOO about the same amount of time as you - and I can relate to the joys you are now saying you can relish!

Stay strong and a hug if you need one, your message is heartening to me :bighug:

This reference to the feeling of missing them being a fake feeling.  That's helped me too.
I sometimes get this too and it's so useful to recognise these emotions as false - part of the fake idealisation we've been fed and groomed with growing up.
I'm sending a lot of hugs. Xx

That is useful to recognize. I would interpret that as it being a real feeling (you are feeling it after all) but for a fake person, a fake relationship. It's a legacy feeling, we've had it most of our lives, yearning for the love/safety/guidance/presence we never got as kids. It's what gets us into trouble in our adult relationships if we are not aware of this aspect of ourselves.  It's why we struggle with boundaries, why we lose ourselves in the quest to find someone to meet those needs. Then we find out that losing ourselves is, in fact, the greater evil.

Peace, joy and titanium boundaries to you all.

It gets better. It has to.

Bothar

Yes BoatBabe that is a clearer description. My feelings of loneliness and disconnection are very real but they are feelings for people who i ultimately dont have a real, honest relationship with. That is what i am missing.....its a yearning for something i never had. What i got in the past was false comfort from family members who were living in their own fantasy of family life ....just as i was. My bro has said that he misses me .....but he could turn on me just as quickly if i dont do what he wants...as would my NF. Im sure they do miss me as i miss them, but the cost of playing this game of family charades is too high. I wish them well but cannot be in their company. I'm keeping my hands inside the shark cage.

MarlenaEve

#7
Quote from: Bothar on May 31, 2021, 01:36:56 PM
Hello,
It's been quite a while since I posted.  I had lost my password but finally found an old diary today with the magic information.  I never stopped reading the website but just couldn't post......maybe it was for the best.  As of now, I am NC with my NF since last August (it is my second time to go NC). I gave in before because of the guilt but sure enough I realised that I just couldn't hack it.  Anyway, this time is much easier.  No panic attacks. Off medication. Feel balanced and well.  Marriage good.  Enjoying the simple things.  I think about my NF and my sibs every day.  I feel real regret that it has to be this way but no guilt, sometimes I feel a little lonely for them but that is a fake feeling.  It has taken many years and lots of effort to get to this stage.  I am nearly 60 and I know that if I had stayed in contact, I would have been the main carer for my NF as all my siblings have bailed out, one way or another.  They were hoping that I would feel so bad that I would just hang in there.  It wasn't to be.  My biggest fear was that if I stayed in contact and carried on being a good daughter no matter what, that taking care of my NF would be my swan song.  He will probably live another 5 or 6 years (and good luck to him if he does) but he would squeeze anything I had left out of me.  I would then be heading for 70 years myself and never know what it was to feel light, or content, or feel that some part of my life belonged to me, just to enjoy.  With him, life was all about duty (mainly duty to family ie.him), doing good deeds and getting lots of praise from the neighbours or the church and it didn't matter about anything else.  I like to paint (its become a lovely hobby for me) and sometimes I have to pinch myself that I can go to my art room, sit there and just think about what I'm going to paint.  Or lie in bed at night and wonder how this or that painting is going to work out.........and not about my NF threatening to kill himself if he has to go into a care home, or griping because I'm going on a holiday with my DH.  The times I dreaded making that call to tell him I was going away for a week, or crying in the shower while I was on holiday from sheer guilt and frustration, but not wanting my DH to see me so unhappy.
I'm slightly off point here.  What I'm trying to say is that I am a good person.  I'm kind and empathetic, as you all are on this site.  Just people who want to get on with others, be there for their family and find that they simply cannot show that side of themselves to a narcissistic person.  I have received some very kind, strong and encouraging wisdom from many on this site.  I remember WomanInterrupted telling me to 'keep my hands inside the shark cage'.  I never forgot that one and I was sorry to hear she had passed x.
I am glad to have this site.  I know that I have not heard the last from my FOO, that I will have to be brave again and again.  But I take heart that I can relax now with good friends and not feel my mind wander into stress.  That I can sit with my beloved son over a coffee and just enjoy his company and not feel like I'm the freak who used to keep having meltdowns when he was a little boy.  I am so grateful for the small family unit I created with my DH.  I will keep telling myself that I AM a good person who simply cannot be in touch with people who make me feel bad about myself.  I send you all my very best wishes.

Jerry Wise (or another psychologist) said in one of his videos that it's never too late to go NC. Even if you're 70 and your PD parents are old, it's still good to go NC. There is still a large part of life left to be enjoyed without PD people and toxic energies. Also, I believe character doesn't have so much to do with going NC. I'm thinking even if I was meaner in general (although I'm not-sometimes I wish I was though), I still deserved to protect myself from toxic people.

But looking at PD families in general with members who lack empathy, I noticed that they don't think like us. 'Oh I need to protect myself from toxic people, so I need to cut X person out of my life.' It's weird how they are wired to think. I asked PD mom once why she isn't cutting ties with her brother (who's toxic and aggressive) she replied: 'Family needs to stick together and you should always give n chances to people.'
The translation is: 'You shouldn't cut toxic people out. What if you'll need to use them later in life?'

Hugs.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl