How do I get him to separate?

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I have never posted in the "separating and divorcing" forum before. I do have a question about it though.

Last week something escalated in my marriage. I don't want to share too many details publicly, I can pm you if you have questions, but I don't want it memorialized on the internet. But basically, abuse escalated, and I am not okay with it.

I tried to set a boundary. I talked calmly to DH about it last Wednesday night. And I kindly told him I want to separate and for him to get therapy. He responded by rage and DARVO. He refuses to separate.

What do I do? I can't force him to move out. Do I need to pursue this legally, or just accept that he will do what he wants and never take responsibility and never leave?

I wanted him to temporarily go and get help so he could take it serious, and get help. I thought he would be sorry, show remorse, cry, want comfort. I was shocked at how he raged at me and DARVO'd me. I mean he has done that before, but I am shocked he had no remorse for his horrific behavior that initiated that conversation.

I feel trapped.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're in this terrible situation. Here are a few ideas, to be used singly or in combination, as appropriate.
1) Contact a domestic violence organization. You will likely get lots of helpful advice that is specific to you and your location.
2) Try to get a restraining order. In essence, this would bar him, under penalty of being arrested, from being at your home.
3) Leave yourself. Stay with other family members or friends or go to a shelter.

[JustKeepTrying]

Oh Dinah-sore, my heart is breaking for you.  I am so sorry to read this.

I can't tell you what to do - but I can relate my experience.

Working with my therapist, I developed a strategy that would provide me with the necessary mental yes/go or no/stay type of scenario.  I asked him one last time to go to therapy.  He said no.  So I was gone in days.  In that time before I could leave, he raged and came millimeters to hitting me.  He had done it before but never so close or intense.  When his storm broke, I knew in my heart that my decision was the right one.  It was like I could see him clearly for the first time.  I have never been able to unsee it.

I went to a Walmart and bought a burner phone with cash.  I called a lawyer that I found on the internet.  I googled lawyer review websites and called the one with the best ratings.  I don't know any lawyers.  I told him what was going on over the phone and he asked me to come right in.  I was there within the hour.   Within another hour, I had a plan.  When the papers would be served and where I could go.  How to get some money in between and what papers I would need before.  The next two nights where I stayed up all night after he fell asleep and copied anything I could get my hands on.  I used the lists from the Domestic Violence website as a reference.  The day I left I packed anything of value or sentiment into my car - things I was afraid he would break etc.  And I never went back.  I stayed at a friend's for a few days and laid low.

When the violence escalated, all worries about things, possessions, concern over him - they all went out the window.  I switched into survival mode and frankly, I could have left that very day without any possessions.  As it is, I only had clothing and a few items from my mother.

In my state, everything is 50/50.  Since we entered the marriage with nothing, everything was split 50/50.  Easy.  No kids to worry about they were older.  The only problem was making sure that all the money was declared.  I am still not entirely sure I found all of the money but I did my best and I will be ok.

If this serious and you are worried about your physical safety, go to a shelter.  ASAP.  There will be people there who can guide you through the next steps.  There is no shame.

I guess the bottom line is you don't have to ask him.  You don't need his permission.  You have to take care of yourself.  Talk to a lawyer - talk to a few.  Make a plan.  Use us here.  We got you.

[Kat54]

It's so difficult, I'm sorry this is happening.
My ex half heartedly offered to leave but in the same breath he had nowhere to go, not true, no friends to turn to, again not true.
I also knew if he left, he would be there anyway because he runs his business out of the family home and the house meant everything to him. All I wanted was to get away from him, material things were not my concern.  I have a large family and great support so it was easier for me to leave, plus better for me emotionally. The kids are young adults so they were not a factor.

You have to do what's good for you mentally. Feeling trapped is a bad way to be and I'm sorry. If he's constantly around it's harder in my opinion. The stress is enormous so if he won't leave find a way for you to go. Maybe once you leave that will push him to start therapy because he will know you mean business.

[pushit]

Please remember that you are never trapped, you always have choices. 

It only takes one of you to decide that a separation is necessary.  If you've decided that, you always have the option to move out and legally force a separation.  One thing I learned through my divorce is that once I initiated it, I was no longer responsible for convincing my (now ex) wife to agree that it was happening or should happen.  I could decide that on my own, and there are legal avenues to make it happen.

[Free2Bme]

DS,

I agree with others' suggestions here.  I would take Poison Ivy's recommendations and develop a plan to remove/protect yourself.  It is a difficult step, but if you hope to salvage the relationship it will be necessary in order to set boundaries and negotiate terms.  If you chose to end the marriage, it is a logical step.  Either way, you will gain headspace and clarity to think things through.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it sounds very painful.

~take care

[Call Me Cordelia]

It is extra complicated when you have sick children. It's been made clear many times over that your H does not care.  If you go through with getting all three of you out, that very well may be the hardest thing you've ever done. However it will speak volumes for your case that you had to do it to be safe. If he will not take care of them they need to be 100% out of his custody too.

What support do you have in real life? It may not be necessary for abuse to be physical in order to make use of a shelter. It sure sounds like it was severe! You've put up with so much from your H that's had my jaw dropping in the past, so for you to be hesitant to even describe this latest thing and for him to deny it has all the red flags flying. Be safe.