Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)

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MarlenaEve

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Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« on: June 01, 2021, 05:40:31 PM »
I had a post a while ago here talking about people having mild PD parents in their lives and how that makes it more difficult to go NC with them.

If the abuse is not obvious or you are able to set boundaries with them, then things are definitely much better than other situations where obvious abuse is involved (screaming, throwing things, hitting, and name-calling).

I now changed my mind because I don't think this is the case anymore. I believe that mild abuse (or covert, hidden, slow-burning abuse) is much, much worse than in-your-face abuse.

What changed my mind is reminiscing about things that both my mother and my N brother did. I believe these two people are extremely abusive and they also have sociopathic traits.

Examples of slow-burning, insidious, covert abusive incidents and experiences:


-My mother used the 'cold room' method to control and manipulate me and my brothers growing up.

I was watching some videos regarding a public figure with an obvious NPD behavior and it was said that he used the 'cold room' method to manipulate his victims. I didn't even know that this method exists. Anyway, the idea is that, the abuser controls the temperature in the house and is voluntarily leaving the temperature at very low levels to create stress and confusion in the victim's mind.

My mother did this when I moved in a year ago (right after that). She'd lower the temperature in my room (weirdly enough, her room was warmer (not that warm but there was a difference-a brother who lived with her for a very long time confirmed that she'd purposely lower the temperature in his room. The reason was to 'save some money on electricity' BUT from my research and what people said, electricity is quite affordable in this area.

This brother is the SG, and my mother hates him with a passion. And I believe him when he told me she kept his room at very low levels on purpose and not to save money. He said he was shaking under piles of blankets and I believed him because I experienced the same thing.

Anyway, I ended up buying a room heater that got me through the winter just fine :) Since then, NM became more abusive and would always pick on me regarding my heater, blaming me for spending all her money on electrical bills and telling me to never ever use that heater (and sell it).
I still have the heater ha, ha.

But don't imagine that the room was freezing cold, it was just cold enough so you could notice it even during nighttime. Waking up during the night due to the cold air was enough to make you very uncomfortable The room before I bought the heater was at 64-68 F. Once it was at 64 and I was literally shaking. BTW, this room has no proper isolation along with the entire apartment. These apartments were built during the 80's when apartments had low-quality materials .

-My mother would pester me every few days before leaving the apartment to wear her perfume.

She told me once that I either smell bad or I don't smell at all and I'd embarrass myself to go in public like that. This is humiliation and it's used to control me and lower my confidence levels. I didn't buy into it but it does explain being a narcissistic and control freak.

-There were few incidents where both NM and NF told me that if I go to X particular area of the city, I'd be attacked or harmed by dangerous people.

They have heard x story about that part of town being unsafe. I believe they used this tactic ever since I was little to prevent me from going too far from home and god forbid, leave them. BTW, our city is the safest city I've ever lived in (I lived in East London where knife crimes occurred daily and I still felt safe but, in comparison to London, my city is a retirement community lol). And BTW, being safe starts in your mind.

-NM would feed the family dog (they have an adult BC with stomach problems) foods that would cause stomach upset, then the dog would develop diarrhea for days and she'd shout at him and blame him for being such a bad dog.

BTW, this dog is being used as a toy to either get attention from other people (the dog is very beautiful) or as a constant source of validation. His stomach problems are being used to create drama in the family and garner narcissistic supply.

-Whatever I would cook for myself to eat is criticized. NF calls my food 'crap' (aka chicken with vegetables or vegan meals) and toxic. BTW, both are overweight, with health problems and terrible eating issues.

-NM calls me disrespectful because I don't want to answer her insidious questions about my personal life.

-My room is her property and she reminds me of this every day when she comes into my room and goes through my stuff (unfortunately for her I am a minimalist and I don't keep anything of value in my room)-still, this is a very insidious abuse tactic. I'm not allowed to have anything of my own.

-Picking on my clothes, my hair, my make-up..why do I wear this and not that, why this and not that? Etc

-Asking me endlessly where am I going, with who am I going, what am I doing there, etc-their need to have complete control of all the information that goes in and out of the house is pathologic.

-Control through health issues or health scares.

NM always had an obsession with illnesses and in our case, heart disease (it runs in the family). When I was a child, she forced me to take endless heart tests and sent me to doctors to take my blood pressure. One of these doctors was kinda weird and unsympathetic. He'd take my blood pressure and he'd then mock me because I wouldn't calm down or sit still so he can get an accurate reading (you must have heard of 'white coat hypertension and that many people have it). But how can you expect a child to sit still or be calm if you don't explain what the medical procedure is?

Anyway, NM used the 'take your blood pressure 'method to scare me as a child. She'd often take my blood pressure without my consent (I was maybe 10-12-14?) to try and find out my real blood pressure.
But again, she didn't explain what that 'instrument' was for to me and I'd freak out. I also need to mention that at that time when I visited many doctors, I had hypocalcemia which is scary but not life-threatening.

Anyway, i believe NM didn't care about my hypocalcemia as a child and she used doctors and my fear of them and of my blood pressure to scare me even more and make me dependent on her for survival. I remember asking her over and over again if I'll ever going to live and is it going to be OK.
Truth was that, I had only a deficiency in my Ca levels and a lack of other vitamins and nutrients but NM didn't know not didn't care about it.
I do remember that she enjoyed seeing me in pain, unable to breathe well, with daily panic attacks (hypocalcemia does this to you) and never did anything to help me/soothe me.

When I came back to live with her, in the few weeks I was there she said: Have you taken your blood pressure recently? I have a blood pressure device, you should go on and take it yourself. I said: Why should I do this? I'm sure it's fine. NM: You need to know your levels, maybe you need medicine.

She does this with everyone in the family.
She tells NF to take his blood pressure then my brothers as well-and they all do it like the sheep they are. Why she does this? I think she wants to keep everyone weak and sick around her (btw, my father HAS very high blood pressure due to his sedentary life and other issues, my brother has high BP and is on meds, the other brother has high anxiety, so we can assume BP is high).

I also think she manipulates others to take their BP because her own BP is high and she wants everyone in the family to have the same risk of stroke as she has. REALLY FUCKING SICK AND DISGUSTING.

-NM sometimes tells me (and did it in the past) stories of people who either died traveling or moving abroad or something bad happened to them after relocation (that is because she wants to discourage me from leaving far from home).

-Family members kicked their family dog with no mercy and they also kick innocent cats out of their way. If they're angry, they'll kick a puppy I'm 100% certain of that.

-N brother is sadistic. He doesn't tell me I am bad, crazy or incapable etc. He throws those JABS at me that feel like a death of a thousand cuts (what's the expression?)

One day, he told me when he came to visit me that he bought especially for me a diet cake (I'm on a diet) and that he put it in the fridge. I was so happy 'cause I believed that finally, my brother made a nice gesture for me for the first time ever. When I wanted to go and check the fridge he said he was just kidding and he started to laugh. That's when I thought he literally loves to see people suffer and humiliate themselves.
BTW, he is out of my life now :)

-----

There are dozens or hundreds of other COVERT abuse tactics that my FOO uses to lower my sense of self, humanity, kindness and joy of life.

I TRULY believe that, in-your-face abuse does not shock you as much as the covert/mild kind of abuse shocks you. Someone here said that covert abuse is like boiling a frog at a lukewarm temperature first, but, during time, you increase the heat so that the frog doesn't know it is being boiled alive.

That's how I feel, like I was boiled alive and I didn't even know that all this time, I was actually living in an environment where mental and emotional torture are normal ways to relate to and communicate with another. I TRULY believe that FOO equals mental torture, abuse, and humiliation with LOVE, APPROVAL, validation, peace, and comfort.

I truly think now that the ONLY way to deal with my extremely covert abusers is to go NC and to maintain NC for the duration of my life.

Sorry for the novel and I hope this post helps others who may downplay their covert abusers or normalize the unsettling experiences they've had with their PD parents.




« Last Edit: June 01, 2021, 05:57:39 PM by MarlenaEve »
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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moglow

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2021, 07:31:40 PM »
MarlenaEve, abuse is abuse in whatever form it takes. There's no better/worse, no easy or less painful, I assure you. I don't think any of us should downplay what we've been through - that's how we got where we are, ya know? Don't think for one minute anyone here doubts what you've been through or can in any way justify the abuse.
Please do what you need to get yourself in a safe, health, happy home!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2021, 03:27:43 AM »
It's a mind shift, isn't it?  You are raised on tv shows and movies showing abuse as a husband hitting his wife.  Psychological dramas that show gaslighting portray the abuser as a psychopath and serial killer.

We know them as something different and wow is it hard to adjust your thinking.  Abuse of all kinds is still horrible.  And you have had a truly horrible go of it.  I am so sorry you have to deal with all that.

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Hepatica

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2021, 09:21:44 AM »
I am glad that you brought this up. I was thinking about it too. Covert abuse is sinister. It's like the sibling who pinches you in the back seat of the car and you scream, and the parents yell at you, while the one who pinched you smiles and acts like an angel. You end up getting everyone turned against you.

My nM also controlled our heat in the house. It was absolutely freezing growing up. Even though my nfather had a decent job, she kept it so low that we were constantly cold in the winters. We could have afforded to have the house a couple degrees warmer, but she refused and she monitored the thermostat and God help us if we changed it a few degrees.

My nsister was covert with me. When she became religious she used the fear of hell to control me. I was quite a bit younger and so very scared of that idea. When I became a teen, she made accusations that I was doing things with boys when I wasn't. I was so late to mature, even the thought of being with boys disgusted me, and her accusing me of wanting to be with boys was a covert, humiliation I have never forgotten. When I was in highschool I went out with some good girlfriends and drank a few beers. It was a totally innocent teenager act and nothing bad came of it because I was with two good girlfriends (who I later went to university with.) My sister somehow found out - I think a neighbour was the at the party I was at and told her he saw me having a beer - and what did my sister do? She put a note on the kitchen table to me and my parents saying that I had to go to alcoholics anonymous.  :stars: I had had TWO BEERS! She used shame and humiliation to try to control me. She made fun of my friends, mocking the way they spoke. Everything she did was covert. She didn't yell, or hit but she often acted in an insidious way, going to great extremes of fear to control me. And I was a good kid!! That's the thing that kept me from probably going crazy. I knew deep down that I was a good kid.

My nfather was similar. He wouldn't sit down and talk to me. He'd sneak around and read my journals, and take out a page and set it on my dresser or something to say he read it, causing me deep shame. Later he'd attack me on phonecalls with statements about my mental health, never with a raised voice, never with a threat, just a mild statement like for instance he once said, "I wish I had taken a psychology degree to understand you, and maybe you should go see a shrink," Basically he was saying he couldn't control me, so therefore he brings up my mental health to make me doubt myself, breaking me down, really messing with my confidence in myself.  (Meanwhile he is hoarding away, and in a terribly dysfunctional relationship with my mother, never seeking help for that.)

There was also physical violence, and so many other things, but all of it was behind closed doors. Nobody in our family or friend group would have seen it or even imagined it was happening. So now, as an adult when I back away from my FOO, people who know my parents and sister think that I am out of line and judgemental. My father and sister are so gregarious and fun and charming, no one can imagine them doing devious things to their family members. The mask is firmly in place and they know they are safe as long as no one ever sees what they do behind closed doors.

So I am called the crazy one. Because I won't stand for the fakeness of it all. And what is the most upsetting is the doubt part of the FOG that creeps in every so often, where I only see their public persona and think, maybe i am wrong about them. That is exactly how they thrive. No one will ever stand up to them and make them accountable for all the sneaky things they do. But I have. And I have been demonized by extended FOO.

Thank goodness for this forum to keep my head on straight and learning that, that kind of covert, psychological mind control exists and is just as dangerous as other forms of abuse.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2021, 09:25:39 AM by Hepatica »
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still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2021, 11:09:20 AM »
MarlenaEve, abuse is abuse in whatever form it takes. There's no better/worse, no easy or less painful, I assure you. I don't think any of us should downplay what we've been through - that's how we got where we are, ya know? Don't think for one minute anyone here doubts what you've been through or can in any way justify the abuse.
Please do what you need to get yourself in a safe, health, happy home!

Thank you, moglow. You have been a wonderful supporter since I started posting here.
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2021, 11:10:30 AM »
It's a mind shift, isn't it?  You are raised on tv shows and movies showing abuse as a husband hitting his wife.  Psychological dramas that show gaslighting portray the abuser as a psychopath and serial killer.

We know them as something different and wow is it hard to adjust your thinking.  Abuse of all kinds is still horrible.  And you have had a truly horrible go of it.  I am so sorry you have to deal with all that.

I think I needed to hear that what I've experienced IS abuse so I can accept it and move on from it. The brainwashing in this family is at a very high level.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2021, 11:19:04 AM by MarlenaEve »
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2021, 11:17:20 AM »
Hepatica, your family IS sinister as well. Your sister... :stars: I believe she wanted to cause pain to you so that she'd pose as a good sibling in the family system so she can be favoured. That's something my brothers did/do as well. Fighting for a more favored role in the family.

I also had physical abuse as a child but, weirdly enough, that didn't stick with me. The mental torture/abuse stuck and it will probably stay for a long time. Covert abuse is the worst, that's why NC is like standing up to this abuse and saying that no form of abuse is OK. Just like moglow said here. Abuse is abuse is abuse.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2021, 11:19:45 AM by MarlenaEve »
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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athene1399

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2021, 02:55:35 PM »
Thank you for sharing, MarlenaEve. I think so often we doubt ourselves and have that “it wasn’t that bad” voice in our heads (or real life) that leaves us feeling like we were the crazy ones. And as someone else pointed out, covert abuse isn’t often portrayed or even discussed. Abuse is abuse as Moglow said. It all has an effect on us.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #8 on: June 03, 2021, 11:11:04 PM »
Abuse is abuse, and what you suffered was abuse.
I told my T that "it's not as if I was beaten" and then proceeded to describe how I was struck in the face or about the legs and backside with whatever item was at hand, until I cried....except it was my mission never to cry. So this went on until the person striking me tired.
My T said, "That's a beating. You were most certainly beaten."
I never even saw it in that light. It wasn't "that bad".

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Dandelion

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2021, 04:29:15 PM »
I think the main difference is that covert abuse or milder abuse or negligence is harder to spot.  So you don’t actually “realise” you’ve had negligent or self absorbed or covertly abusive parents. 
« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 04:38:13 PM by Dandelion »

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Bothar

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2021, 07:23:24 AM »
Thank you MarlenaEve for raising this point. It's like the drip, drip feed of insidious behaviour which is harder to challenge versus the wham of outright bad behaviour which could/might be challenged. I remember phoning my NF in tears over how my mom who had Altheizmers was doing. Some of the problems rose from how he was handling it and he would not be challenged. He replied that he understood 'everything' about 'everybody' (im paraphrasing) and that i need not concern myself about the rest of the family because ''even tho he and mom love us all, if they did have a favourite it would be me' (paraphrasing) and to just follow his lead. At that time i was 50 and he was 80!  Also I should be comforted by the fact that he chose me. It was one of the most toxic conversations I've ever had with him. He was godlike, silken in his flattery...it drips off his tongue...and is never wrong. The stakes were so high at the time because of my Mom and I could not leave her. A year after she passed I did go NC for 8 months, then again last August which was  triggered by another silken, insidious phone conversation where he was trying to manoeuvre me into the place of prime carer for him because the rest of my sibs had bailed on him. I quit the next day. Blocked my phone. I regret every day that I 'had' to do it but not that I did it. Wishing you all the best.

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Hepatica

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2021, 10:34:52 AM »
Bothar,
I know exactly what you are referring to when you say "silken" tone and the act of manipulation that leaves you shocked afterwards, especially when you begin to come Out of the FOG. My NF uses that technique as well. He's in his 80's and when he was working, man, he must have screwed a lot of people over with that technique at his job. I feel sorry for those people who were not on his side. He is incredibly manipulative with language and manner, using charm and storytelling, never, ever raising his voice. He didn't need to. It was like Kaa, the snake in the jungle book. How the snake speaks softly and attempts to hypnotize.

There must be a term for that in the psychopath vernacular.  It is one of the most insidious things, and I think happens a lot in employment situations, as these people can get high power positions, and use their power for dark, selfish purposes.
“There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

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Leonor

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2021, 03:06:33 PM »
Hi all, I agree that "mild" abuse isn't really mild at all. It is absolutely abusive. It's traumatic.  Calling it "mild," "not so bad" or "at least it wasn't ..." is *part* of the abuse. It's gaslighting. It's what we heard growing up when we became aware that what was happening to us was hurtful: "I know, dear, but she really didn't mean it that way," or "It's awful that Johnny's dad beat him, I would never raise my hand to a child," etc.

Remember people used to say the same thing about every other kind of abuse: "Well,but they're married, so it's not like it was some stranger" or "he just has a bad temper, but other than that he's a good provider" or "Maybe your mom was just taking care of you and you're weird for feeling uncomfortable about it."

I've been through every kind of abuse. The pa came up first, and then the sa. The emotional abuse is only starting to come up now almost *10 years* after I "graduated" from my last round of t. I'm glad it took so long, too, because now I have the tools to heal through it. I can say, "oh I recognize that what she said was abusive. I don't feel it, but I know it intellectually. Sometimes I will feel a sharp pang and then it disappears. Eventually if I pace myself that will come up too and it will really $#@ suck when it does, but all I can do right now is breathe."

Breathe.




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nanotech

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2021, 08:37:37 AM »
Yes I’ve experienced this too- my husband/ kids didn’t pick up on the abuse. Not for many many years. It’s a ‘clever’way  PDs have, of extending the abuse even when you’ve left home and have your family of choice. Not only does it come well disguised, sometimes it actually comes as a Trojan horse. It’s often dressed up as a series of compliments and/ or a concern. An objection from us may therefore seem all the more incongruous and unfair, even cruel.
  This is why mild abuse can be deadlier.  :evil2:
It’s so deniable by the PD, and its horribly covert nature leaves no FOC witnesses for us. Then of course it works as gaslighting- we begin to second guess ourselves.
It’s a poisoned apple.  :yeahthat:

My FOC woke up and truly smelled the toxicity ONLY after a major FOO trauma, when all of their masks came flying off. There was suddenly a lot of overt abuse directed at me. (I think so that the FOO could feel ‘safe’ after their loss of BPDmum).
They couldn’t begin to handle their own stuff without BPDmum triangulating everything, so all the rage they felt about that, got dumped on me. In short, I got the blame for mum’s death.
My FOC really woke up to it after that.
Since then, FOO have tried to get me back to where I was. They need back their family fixer and scapegoat.
But there had been for me, a palpable separation. Something went click in my head. Then that had to develop into action. It took time.  I was drawn back into ‘the fold’ a few times only to get burned again. But each time I got closer to it being the last time. I felt myself getting stronger. And I now had my FOC validating my experiences.
I had therapy too, and I began to practise self-care and deem myself worth that care.
I’m  now NC with two sibs ( both Ns)and VLC with NDAD and one enabling sib.
The way I handle it is by just not being in a room with the two Ns. Lots of guilt was thrown at me at first. But I just began to see that family parties were just an excuse to covertly abuse me.
I look upon them as  just people I used to know. As siblings, I’ve never been able to trust them, and I see now that its not normal.They’ve made up some awful stuff about me, spread nasty rumours, and rubbed their hands in glee whenever I had  any problems. And of course, the covert abuse, both face to face and online. Who needs that? Seriously?
If the covert abuse, in order to continue, has transcended to another form, as in the very loud talking- then you are simply not obliged to listen to it.
They will use a form that your loved ones can’t easily tune into. It may seem annoying but it doesn’t seem deadly to them!  It is!!
My Nsis used to talk loudly about a current topic that she knew related to something painful from  my own past. This was a way of attempting to trigger me about very difficult times in my life. It used to work! -and yet what could I say? She would have denied it, called me over sensitive  :yeahthat:
 Another method she had ( Trojan Horse) was to loudly and lavishly compliment me on my appearance, but then add quietly (when no one else could hear) that she couldn’t ‘get away’ with the look,  as she would just end up looking like a ‘ (insert any insult)’.  :blink:
It was a way of covertly GIVING me that insult. Sometimes I wouldn’t even realise until I got home. Yet still, I remember I  felt uneasy at the time. 
If you feel that unease, then yes, they are abusing you.

« Last Edit: June 13, 2021, 09:19:26 AM by nanotech »

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Hepatica

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2021, 11:47:53 AM »
The last time my NF showed up (uninvited) to my home, he dumped a nuclear. He scathingly bragged about spreading rumours about his sister back at our cottage and turning the lake folks against her, looking super proud about it. He then turned his head, gave me a fleeting glance and said, "you should go see a shrink Hepatica,"

I know I've mentioned this before, but I keep needing to process it. What this kind of abuse does - meaning targeting people with rumours and telling someone they need a shrink - destroys trust. And we need trust to thrive. At its worst, it gets into a person's head and I suspect it has been the cause of many people in the history of time, turning against themselves, and destroying themselves. It is like an earworm that gets inside your head and begins to dismantle all of your self-confidence and esteem.

It is very dangerous and I have had one cousin commit suicide and i am sure it is because her family destroyed her sense of belief in herself. That is when I first began to waken to this. You don't need to be hit (although I was as well.) But they don't need to raise a hand to you to really hurt you in your most vulnerable places.
“There is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's
still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where
there is a confidence and tranquility." John O'Donohue

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MarlenaEve

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #15 on: June 13, 2021, 02:12:49 PM »
@ nanotech Being blamed for your mother's death is a severe form of abuse. I am very sorry
 :bighug:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
-Viktor Frankl

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nanotech

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #16 on: June 13, 2021, 07:21:02 PM »
@ nanotech Being blamed for your mother's death is a severe form of abuse. I am very sorry
 :bighug:
MarlenaEve that hug is much appreciated.
 Xx
Hugs right back to you! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I’ve been there too, with the health scares and the constant horror stories about the outside world.  The control over heating/ access to hot water was there too.
I grew up believing everything outside my FOO was dangerous, especially perspectives and beliefs that differed from theirs. 

« Last Edit: June 13, 2021, 08:07:32 PM by nanotech »

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all4peace

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Re: Mild abuse is the WORST form of abuse (finally getting it)
« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2021, 11:19:30 AM »
I think that comparison thinking can be really hurtful to those who have suffered "bad" abuse, and I very much hear what you're saying. My husband suffered neglectful abuse as a child, and he has sometimes said it would have been easier if they had just hit him, because then people would get it. However, as someone who suffered both abuse of commission (violence) and omission (neglect), I just think it all hurts, but in different ways. I think there's enough compassion, empathy, and love to go around for all types of abuse to be recognized as damaging and painful. I am so sorry for the ways you have been harmed, and thankful you're finding your way through the FOG.