It’s not pessimism. It’s entitlement.

[square]

I've just been so frustrated lately, it's not even him but me. He's not even that bad lately, it's just like all the BS I've had to swallow with a smile has started regurgitating.

He is very pessimistic, but that's not what gets me. It's the entitlement.

Let's say your worldview is "everything is hard, nothing ever goes my way."

Okay.

So maybe plan ahead a little?

It's kind of optimistic to leave things till the last second and assume that everything will just fall into place. That the professionals you need something from will be sitting at the phone waiting for your call, having cleared their schedules for you so that the deadline you knew about six weeks ago will be met.

If life were truly as bad and malevolent as you think it is, out to get you for the sheer pleasure of making you suffer, why make it so easy? Why not think "ughhh it will probably take DAYS for them to turn this simple little thing around. I better call at least a week ahead of time."

Oh, I know why! Because pessimism isn't the driving factor! It's entitlement!

Everything should be easy! Life should basically be a butler to you, making every day seamless! Why won't it comply?? It must be broken! Everyone else has easy lives where things just magically fall into place, but you, you got stuck with a malfunctioning life and can't even get your money back! Life was supposed to be sipping pina coladas on the beach day after day!

Do you know anyone with this mindset?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, right now it's my six-year-old.

But that's age appropriate. Still irritating, but age appropriate. And temporary.

[LemonLime]

Wow Square, you nailed it!   My uPD sib is this way.

It has finally occurred to me that she expects that at Baseline life should be easy and perfect, exactly how she wants it.
If there is disappointment or wrinkles or glitches, there is something WRONG.   And likely someone to blame.

And just as you said, the next part of the dysfunction is that she believes everyone else has an easier life and that she is "forsaken".
So it's just really irritating, because the sense I get is that somehow my successes in life are unearned in her eyes.   And that she is not recognized sufficiently (especially by me) for all that she has endured in this unfair world.   After all, LemonLime had all the advantages in life and everyone caters to LemonLime and life is easy for LemonLime.   So of course LemonLime has had (undeserved) success.    While uPD sib works and works so hard, and doesn't get the accolades she should.   But, she will carry on as the martyr.

Things just don't go her way, she thinks. Can't catch a break.    Except her excellent health, functional family, generous people everywhere who give her things and give her the benefit of the doubt.   Oh those......well, those are things that "should" be at Baseline.   She apparently deserves that and more.

Truly it's astounding to me how she doesn't see her extraordinary good fortune in life.   Can't she just take a quick look around to see how unbelievably lucky she is?

Ironically she screams at me that I am "entitled".    Wow.  Just wow.   Projection at work.

[11JB68]

I was thinking about something similar tonight and will start another post did as not to hijack... But yes...
Especially the lack of planning and then it's someone else's problem.
Wasting time running late, then grouchy if there's traffic.
The first year that we went to memorial mass for mil (I am not Catholic and have no idea what to expect), they passed the collection basket and Updh got cranky with me because I didn't have any ones to put in and all he had was twenties. Like I should have known and been prepared. (For his mother's mass at his church!)

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, their lack of planning is someone else’s problem is a familiar attitude.

On the tangent, I am a Catholic and I think it’s tacky to pass the collection basket at a memorial or wedding or ordination or any other service for a personal occasion. It’s not done at some parishes anyway. That said, you are not obligated to put something in.

[Andeza]

Healthy people have dreams and goals, things that they work toward in life. Sometimes, that dream or goal is just to maintain what they've already got because they have found contentment.

PwPDs, on the other hand, do tend to have this woe is me outlook. Life happens to them rather than them making their way in life. Now don't get me wrong, I've had life happen to me before too. Unpredictable things that were very unpleasant or uncomfortable and left a bad taste in my mouth, but those are in the past... that's not my day-to-day standard either. They're usually pretty uncommon. But the PwPD lives in that state nonstop. I don't want to imagine what that feels like.

Why? Because the woe is me line does get sympathy. It does work. And they live off that attention and sympathy. My uBPDm was no exception. She's a victim of her medical conditions, but won't change her lifestyle or do hard things to fix her problems. She's a victim of divorce, but never did anything to improve the marriage and never accepted any responsibility. It goes on.

She had a dream, but never did a darn thing to reach for it. She expected it to just fall into her lap, against all odds, and life would magically be perfect.

[JustKeepTrying]

The woe is me mentality - I called it martyrdom.  Poor poor me.  Look at how bad my life is now.  He got lots of covert attention from this - pity was acceptable.  And the freebies that go along with it.  Always bothered me - don't get me wrong we had it hard (cancer, autism, etc.) but there is only so far I could take it.  It would make me sick to my stomach after a while.

As for entitlement, I didn't think of it that way but it really fits.

[SparkStillLit]

Pdh lived a whole life like this, and cast the blame EVVVVVERYWHERE. A lot fell on me.
It could be anything, too. Jobs, unpreparedness, can't find a tool (because he leaves them scattered hell to breakfast) oh no, he's a very organized person, it's because we don't have a garage, and that's because I picked the wrong house in the wrong neighborhood in the wrong town.....see how it goes????

[biggerfish]

Hi Square! "It must be broken! Everyone else has easy lives where things just magically fall into place, but you, you got stuck with a malfunctioning life and can't even get your money back! "

OMG you just described my brother. He's been this way his whole life. He's seventy now. I always thought of it as more about being a "victim." That is, he has a distorted view of his life compared to everyone else's. But now you've put a different spin on it -- he thinks he's entitled. In the case of my brother, I don't think it's easy to separate those things. Rather, your description has added another dimension to my understanding of how he views himself and the world.

I do think that in the case of my brother, he has extreme anxiety. He needs the world to go easy on him so as to keep him from imploding. As a result, he has kept his world very small and simple; hencewhy I was the one ending up taking care of our aging mother for ten years, with no help from my brother.

My heart goes out to him, as my entire family has a mix of anxiety and depression, and we are all coping with it one way or another. But he must be hard to live with.

And when you say this "He's not even that bad lately, it's just like all the BS I've had to swallow with a smile has started regurgitating," I wonder if he has "fleas" rather than a full-blown PD. They talk about "fleas" here on this board. Fleas are some traits passed down from a PD family or PD relationship. I believe that to be true of my brother as well--he has fleas.  My brother is basically a good guy. He's just kinda limited.

I hope my response helps in some way. There are no easy answers, but do know -- YOU ARE HEARD!

[Poison Ivy]

My ex definitely has a woe-is-me mentality. When he was at my house this week (to see one of our children before the child's departure for out of state), his primary activity was surfing the internet on his phone. This is also his primary activity at his own home, which, by observation and self-admission, we know is messy and cluttered.

He had offered to bring a chainsaw and cut brush in the yard at my house, and I took him up on that offer. Just before he left this morning, he told me he could come here again sometime this summer and cut brush. I said that wouldn't be necessary. He said, "But it would make me happy." Ugh.