Clarity with partner

[Oscen]

Hi all, this isn't quite the right spot for this post, but I want to share some thoughts.

I'm here because my parents have signs of PDs (M = BPD or covert NPD, F = NPD or who knows!). I grew up in an environment that was extremely cold, unloving and emotionally neglectful, with the odd burst of white-hot soul-destroying rage directed at me for perfectly age-appropriate behaviours, like not doing my chores or homework, etc. I was constantly compared with unfavourably to my 3 sisters (we all were - no real golden child here), and I was always punished emotionally for showing separation/independence from my mother through having my own opinions or showing competence. So I naturally have been dealing with CPTSD and the poor inter & intra-personal skills associated with not getting emotional support throughout development. And, you know, I hadn't grown into the most empathetic, reliable, responsible, positive person either. Learning about it is helping me to grow, and I take full responsibility for where I'm at.

I was lucky enough to avoid a few narcs who tried to scoop me into relationships over the years. One long-term boyfriend was outrageously uncaring in hindsight, refusing to drive me to hospital after accidentally breaking my arm whilst playing football because he refused to believe he could possibly have hurt me. When I told him the results of my X-ray over the phone, he exclaimed that I must have really weak bones.  He was one of the better ones, anyway.

I've been in a long-term relationship for over ten years now, and my partner is loving and has very stable moods. It's been part of a stable environment that has allowed me to do a lot of recovery work. I've had quite a bit of emotional dysregulation over the years, and have been underemployed for most of the years we've been together because I get emotionally overwhelmed in full-time work due to poor boundaries. I don't abuse my partner verbally but we've had some arguments that I regret - I don't believe out of the ordinary for a couple of ten years, although it's hard to say what's normal really. So I'm not perfect, but I think I'm within the range of normal. I say this because as I get healthier, I'm starting to reevaluate how healthy our relationship is.

I feel at times that I've accepted the blame for any time we come into conflict due to feeling like there's something wrong with me and also acknowledging that I was not good at assertive communication. My partner, who strives to avoid conflict at all times, is happy for me to take on the blame. However, I am developing assertive communication and the better I get at it, the more I'm realising that it was just a convenience for both of us to place the blame on me. My partner is not open to seeing my point of view. When we fight, he only apologises to make up. I don't feel like he's ever actually acknowledged that he misunderstood me or needs to change his behaviour. Also, he often doesn't want to come out with me to see my friends, despite me frequently going with him to his. We spend much more time with his friends and family and I don't think he feels the need to reciprocate when I ask him to come to my friends' things.

Also, I've noticed that my partner is uninterested in me talking about my mental health, my desire to recover and build a more fulfilling career, and a future that interests me. If I talk about future desires, he's just silent. Says nothing. I suppose he doesn't believe I'm capable, but doesn't want to start a fight. He's often offended if I say I'm not happy in my life, and that he feels like that's an attack on him. I used to be much more emotionally dysregulated, so I can charitably see from his perspective that conversations about my emotions used to be a no-win situation for him. However, I've worked hard, improved my emotional regulation noticeably (he's commented too), and the excuse is starting to wear thin. I want an emotionally deep relationship, I want connection and communication, and I want support working towards my best life. I'm not at the stage where I'd leave him, but I will if I'm moving where I want to go and he's not coming with me. I get it that it's on me to fix me, but I do feel completely alone in this, and really, I had hoped for more from my partner. I'm trying to walk that fine line between entitlement - don't want that - and permissiveness/passivity - don't want that either. Hard to find when it was never modelled in your family growing up.

I don't think he has a PD, but I think I've tolerated less than optimal behaviour through guilt and through simply not knowing or expecting better. It'll be a tough walk to get our relationship to where I want it because I'm still overcoming my EFs and working on getting a better job, better friendships, and more life satisfaction in general. It can happen step by step, I believe; it's up to me to continue my growth and lead by example. I've made mistakes that I'm happy to acknowledge, but we're talking marriage and kids and I realised I have 0 interest in having children with a man who I can't even talk to when I feel unhappy. I'm terrified I'd turn into my mother... and no-one wants that!

[notrightinthehead]

Lots of self awareness and insight Oscen! I am curious where your journey will take you.

[nillah]

Oscen-- I can so relate to your story! I also grew up with incredibly emotionally unavailable parents and have struggled with emotional regulation in the past. I have been lucky to start therapy a few years ago and have been working really hard to understand myself and improve. I am now in my 30s, also in a relationship with a person who is afraid to talk and act on the future. It's incredibly frustrating because I feel like I am constantly having to wait on them, and basically hold back from living my life the way I wish.
I definitely don't blame myself for his behavior. I don't feel like I must be extra patient with him just because I've had my issues in the past. When we met, we were both pretty unaware and both played a part in creating very unhealthy dynamics. I decided to work on changing myself, and I repeatedly invited him/encouraged him to do the same but he got very defensive and never did anything. He made unbelievable excuses for not taking any steps, years went by.
My partner has narcissistic traits (he said so himself) though I don't think it's a full-blown NPD. His sister though has a proper uNPD & BDP. She is the reason why I came to this forum actually. I am slowly coming to accept that maybe things will never change as much as I keep hoping for this and keep trying different "nudges" on him. My T has been clear with me several times by asking me if I would be willing to live with the current situation unchanged. I used to think it's unfair to say such a thing because it sounds like you're not giving the other person a chance to change (after all, if I worked to change myself, why should I deny him the same chance?!). But again, it's been years now that I have been nudging him, and he's not shown any willingness to change. I think his narcissistic traits probably will always block him from doing so.
Unlike you, I feel like I'm coming to the end of the road with the relationship. I love him deeply, but I feel the need to give myself an easier life (I already have plenty of other problems in my life, so why willingly tie myself to this situation?). We have been living together for many years, so walking away isn't easy and this is something I've been mulling on for the past 6 months (I've got a girlfriend who told me how it took her one whole year to finally manage to end her relationship, so it can really take time). I know that the fear of being unlovable is one of the reasons why I keep hesitating to leave, and that this fear is also connected to my childhood. I am trying to be patient with myself in this process, but I more or less know where it's headed.