How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way

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Wolf

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How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« on: June 04, 2021, 03:38:09 PM »
How do you guys deal with BPD parent's abuse/rage attacks? I went home the other day and my mom flew into an abusive rage at me and said all kinds of hurtful things for like 15 minutes straight as loud and volatile and threatening as she could. She always knows how to say the most hurtful things that bring out the most anger and sadness in her victims. She is damn close to a psychopath. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't deal with it in a healthy way at all. This was at like 11 pm and I was so hurt and angry I felt sick and couldn't sleep, so when I went home I proceeded to just drink until I got wasted. Funny thing is, when I get drunk, my outlook on things and personality seems to change for the better, but also in a disturbingly powerful way. All the things that my mom said that were so hurtful became hilariously funny. I went from being super angry and sad when sober to stumbling around my house alone, barely able to walk and totally euphoric and laughing uncontrollably and loudly and grinning from ear to ear at all the hurtful things my mom has said. I saw my mom as an inferior being to me and I thought about how much better I am than other people (which isn't really true but what I thought at the time) and how much more resilient I am than everyone else and able to tackle challenges because of what I've gone through and decided I was literally the greatest man alive.

Some people get more angry when they get drunk, I get the opposite way, totally calm and everything is funny, it doesn't matter how bad it actually is in reality. I do have some genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but as far as I know I'm not an alcoholic, I just love booze too much and how good it is at improving my mood, but I'm able to limit myself to not drink too often. Obviously this is not healthy and I need to make sure it doesn't become a problem, so do you have any other healthier coping mechanisms you guys use? I'm 24 and male btw.

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Dandelion

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2021, 04:21:10 PM »
Hmmm Ö

Your question is sad to me Wolf, I donít know why.  Maybe because as a young adult I was once at the receiving end of awful ďragesĒ, and had not a clue what was happening.  I would just sob my heart out.  At least it seems you have some kind of understanding of what you are going through.

When someone rages irrationally at you (and it is irrational) I think two main responses.  1. Stand up for yourself back. 2. Leave the building. 3. Donít put yourself in a position where they can do this (thatís a bit hard, but I guess VLC does this to some degree).

The problem with all of them though is that the abusive episodes, I have found, are so random, one can be taken off guard.

Regardless, you donít have to put up with abuse. You donít have to put up with abuse or drink to try and help recover from it.  You donít have to take it, if you choose not to.  For some people this can be achieved with LC  or VLC, others need NC. You can just make whatever decision is good and healing and positive for you. You can say it out loud to the perpetrator.  Or just simply to yourself. 

Maybe take some time to think about it, as long a time as you need.  Give yourself some space and support and the massive hug you deserve for having put up with this thus far.  You donít have to anymore, if you donít want to.







« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 04:37:08 PM by Dandelion »

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Andeza

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2021, 04:36:13 PM »
I would add if you're still living with your m, getting out is the biggest, most beneficial thing you can do to start your healing journey. Right now, you're a captive target. That contributes to a feeling of helplessness, like you have to take it or put up with it because you live there.

I think if you move out, you'll find the desire to drink diminishes over time.
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Leonor

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2021, 09:15:51 PM »
Hi Wolf,

You are a very insightful, sensitive and strong person.

Your post has the key to everything. Your mother is a personality-disordered abuser. She abused you as a little child who longed for a mommy to love and admire him and a big, strong daddy to protect and guide him.

You had neither, Wolf. You were just a little pup, and the big wolves who were supposed to protect and nurture you attacked and wounded you, and you had no one to save you.

What did you do? I'm going to guess that you dissociated. If not on your own, through some kind of substance. You didn't start drinking at 24. What else can you do when reality is so dangerous, but try to escape reality?

Alcohol "works" for you, because it numbs the pain of your abuse. And once the pain is numbed, she can't hurt you. So you feel strong. Powerful. Like the man you wished your father could? would? be.

But of course it doesn't work, really. You just spend the next day feeling like crap, hung over, ashamed ("I know it's not healthy"), guilty ("I don't *think* I'm alcoholic") and vulnerable ("What do I do when this happens again?") Like, the same way you felt when you walked into the house the night before.

People being mean to you isn't funny. Your mom not loving you and saying hateful things to hurt you isn't amusing. It's really sad. She's wrong to do that, and you don't deserve it or need to be stronger in order to take it.

And loving alcohol is not love. You don't drink out of love, you drink out of hate for yourself. That's the pain you're trying to numb: that maybe she's right and you are all those horrible things. And alcohol does not love you back. It doesn't love you when you break something, or pass out, or get in a car and have an accident, or ruin your health.

You don't need strategies to stop reacting to your mother's abuse. You need a strategy to start protecting and taking care of yourself. Seek out some support: a therapist, or counselor, or men's center, or an AA meeting.

You are a precious soul and strong man, Wolf. You couldn't do anything before and it's not your fault. You don't deserve to live like this.







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bostonbound

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2021, 10:14:16 PM »
Wolf...I am so sorry.  I know just how awful and frustrating that feels.  My dad brings up things I said or did when I was a child/teen...things that I don't even remember most of the time.  Right now my dad is on a "I'm sorry for all I did to you" phase.  It is frustrating because it won't last very long.  :(

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MarlenaEve

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #5 on: June 06, 2021, 05:49:40 PM »
How do you guys deal with BPD parent's abuse/rage attacks? I went home the other day and my mom flew into an abusive rage at me and said all kinds of hurtful things for like 15 minutes straight as loud and volatile and threatening as she could. She always knows how to say the most hurtful things that bring out the most anger and sadness in her victims. She is damn close to a psychopath. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't deal with it in a healthy way at all. This was at like 11 pm and I was so hurt and angry I felt sick and couldn't sleep, so when I went home I proceeded to just drink until I got wasted. Funny thing is, when I get drunk, my outlook on things and personality seems to change for the better, but also in a disturbingly powerful way. All the things that my mom said that were so hurtful became hilariously funny. I went from being super angry and sad when sober to stumbling around my house alone, barely able to walk and totally euphoric and laughing uncontrollably and loudly and grinning from ear to ear at all the hurtful things my mom has said. I saw my mom as an inferior being to me and I thought about how much better I am than other people (which isn't really true but what I thought at the time) and how much more resilient I am than everyone else and able to tackle challenges because of what I've gone through and decided I was literally the greatest man alive.

Some people get more angry when they get drunk, I get the opposite way, totally calm and everything is funny, it doesn't matter how bad it actually is in reality. I do have some genetic predisposition to alcoholism, but as far as I know, I'm not an alcoholic, I just love booze too much and how good it is at improving my mood, but I'm able to limit myself to not drink too often. Obviously this is not healthy and I need to make sure it doesn't become a problem, so do you have any other healthier coping mechanisms you guys use? I'm 24 and male btw.

So sorry you had to go through your BPD mom's rages. BPDs are like that, mom is like that too (well she is a combination of BPD and NPD). I learned not to react to her rages, put-downs or jabs. The jabs are the worst.

I watched Jerry Wise a lot on youtube and he teaches self-differentiation. You can learn to maintain your calm and say something along the lines of 'I understand you feel that way (eg 'You're such a terrible son"-rage) and I'm sorry you have such a terrible son. That must be hard for you.'
This kind of response disarms all personality-disordered people.

NM doesn't call me obvious names (she's very covert in her abuses) but when she says 'I feel so bad and frustrated that you don't talk to me and don't answer my questions. I really hate that.', I say 'It must be hard for you to feel that.' and I shut her up.

You also need to remember that when a PD person calls you names, you need to immediately tell yourself that that is not who you are and how you see yourself. And that is not how others see you. That is ONLY a distorted perception of who you are from a mentally ill person.

Jerry Wise says that when a parent insults you or gossips about you, you should imagine that they call you a 'Chair' or a 'Coca Cola'. You should also tell yourself over and over again that it is ridiculous to be called a 'chair'. You certainly are not a chair (lol). And everyone knows you're not a chair.

Therefore, what the PD calls you is a totally ridiculous thing. This association truly helped me.

Remember that when PDs insult you or decide to paint you in a bad light, it is not because THAT IS TRUE, BUT because they want to hurt you badly. If they can make you believe for a second that you are a 'Chair' (eg the name they used to call you) then they have achieved their goal.

Another tip would be to go NC or at least VLC. These people will suck all your good energy and it's simply not worth keeping in your life.

« Last Edit: June 06, 2021, 05:52:55 PM by MarlenaEve »
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing:
the last of the human freedoms-
to choose one's attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way.
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Duck

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2021, 10:37:08 PM »
At your age, I admit I did the same thing.

Could you have left 30 seconds in?

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2021, 06:15:39 PM »
I don't need to cope with abuse, I need to exit the situation as soon as possible and intact. So my method is to exit with grace and remain whole
∑ Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
∑ Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
∑ It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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athene1399

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2021, 03:43:25 PM »
I am sorry you are going through this. I think a lot of the others have great advice and insight. I just want to add that I try to remind myself that what they say isnít true and reflects on their character and not mine. Sometimes acceptance is helpful. Like I canít stop M from flipping out, but I can ignore her or leave the situation as SpringButterfly suggests.

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MamaDryad

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2021, 02:05:26 AM »
I agree with everyone above who has said that the #1 best thing you can do is limit the amount of time you spend around her or listening to her. Short of that, there are a lot of coping mechanisms out there; none works for everyone. For me, it turns out it's meditation, which I never would have expected when I was young. Some people write in their journals, some people take up kickboxing, some people knit socks, some people do primal scream therapy. Drinking to excess makes you less motivated to try other things and less likely to notice what helps.

The coping mechanisms that work all have one thing in common. They help you remember this truth: She doesn't know you. She never has, because she isn't capable of it. She doesn't see you when she looks at you; she sees a son-shaped outline filled in with a distorted reflection of herself. It's terribly sad, both for you and for her, but it's also the path to freedom, because when you understand that, you realize that none of it is about you.

Drinking is not going to help you break the cycle. I say that without judgement because I get it. I self-medicated with weed for years and years, and I don't think it's the worst thing I could have done, but it kept me just numb enough to think I wasn't being damaged by my uBPDM's abuse, and it gave me something to feel ashamed and secretive about so that some of what I was already feeling would make sense.

The antidote to her poison is not grandiosity and superiority. It's self acceptance and self compassion. You don't need to be better than other people to be worthy of love or care or safety. You can be just a  person, a human who has been through some stuff and has been made stronger by it in some ways and damaged by it in others. Like all of us. Get to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and her words will carry less and less weight.

I think it's brave and wise that you're asking these questions now.

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Wolf

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2021, 02:14:53 AM »
Thanks Leonor. That really helps. I do think that alcohol teaches me about who I can be. Im drunk again and feel like a fucking god. Fuck em all I'm on top of the world. I dont give a shit. i only rink about once a week or so and it helps my brain get cleared and get back to normal. again thanks for everything you said. i dont really remember what it was lol. But I know idgaf what my mom thinks. I also found a girl who has a similar background as mine who really understands me and my situation. so fuck em all lol, ill get rhuthru it with her and the rest of them can go fuck themselves lol. idgaf. all the haters can suck my dick.

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Wolf

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2021, 02:17:12 AM »
Just tell em all to go fuck themselves HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

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TwentyTwenty

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2021, 03:56:32 AM »
Hi and sorry that you are going through this.

How did I deal with it?

I left.

I went no-contact and cut them off.

Best 4 years of my entire life, I wish that I had done it sooner.

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Wolf

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2021, 10:47:35 AM »
Okay. Sorry for my drunk posts on here last night. Although I do think getting drunk can temporarily clear my head and allow me to forget about shit that was bothering me, as long as I don't do it more than once a week at the most. Not sure what you mean by leaving. It's not that simple for me. I could block her number but she knows where I live, it's basically impossible for me to go no contact right now. I could move far away but I don't want to do that just to get away from my mom. because I have good reasons to stay here. I'm pretty resilient in that my mom can have a rage attack at me and I can completely move on and forget it the next day. Idk, it's frustrating to me because I wish I could have a normal family--I wish I could share things with my mom, talk about things and people that I care about, and things that are happening in my life that are good. But I can't. She doesn't deserve to know and it's too much of a pain in the ass to deal with her unpredictable reactions and ridiculous, intrusive questions about things. Much easier just to lie a lot. Which I've gotten pretty good at lately. Sounds bad, but whatever. No one has a perfect life. I could have grown up in a war zone or a third world country. I could have terminal cancer. But I didn't and I don't. Overall, life could be a lot worse and there are plenty of good things I have right now. I'm not perfect and I drink too much sometimes, fine. I'll work on it. But right now I don't really care. Sorry if this sounds rude or anything. I'm not very good at conversations online and can sometimes come off condescending when I'm not.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2021, 11:21:55 AM »
I wish I had a normal family too, Wolf. My whole life would have been so much easier.

I can't go no contact right now either. My mother is OLD and I just don't feel right about it. I mean, I did for a few months and it was fantastic and horrible. You just can't win with parents like this. I had to stop seeing my mother as a Mother and start seeing her as a person only out for herself. Everything she does it about her, for her and because of her. I'm just a supporting actor in her show. I don't tell her anything now, nothing about me, my life or my children. She deserves nothing so we talk about her, her hurts, her doctor appointments, her mean neighbors. And during all this, I'm trying to change the subject.  I bite my tongue during these visits, get back in my car and I'm free to enjoy life with people I like and love. She's a nuisance I deal with from time to time.

You're a grown up and know you drink too much, it's good you're going to work on it. I know a few people who had bad problems with escaping life by using alcohol. Didn't end up well for them.

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Duck

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #15 on: July 04, 2021, 02:05:38 AM »
I really relate to your wish to have a normal family. Sometimes I let my guard down and talk to my parents more normally. Then, something happens to harshly snap me back to reality. I think it is a natural instinct to want to talk to your mom about your life.

How often do you talk to her?

 

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Wolf

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #16 on: July 04, 2021, 01:39:05 PM »
I talk to her too often. She also asks too many details about my personal life and I hate it. I think the only solution for me is to just view her as an evil person who doesn't deserve to know anything about me. She deserves nothing but lies. And yeah I probably would end up having an alcohol problem if I kept going. Not because I drink every day (I don't and hate binge drinking multiple days in a row), but when I do I have way too much and I never used to do it alone. The other day she raged at me and told me "fuck you, go to hell, fuck you go to hell" in a fucking demonic sounding voice a bunch of times as loud as she could when I was visiting and told her I wouldn't help her with something because she was treating me so badly. I just shrugged it off and left, apparently bottled up all my emotions about it. Then I came home and drank and pretty soon I remember was laughing my ass off in a mocking way like a maniac (all alone) and I remember I started throwing things. I woke up and found a cup in a weird spot WAY across the room that I apparently had chucked all the way over there and not remembered doing. I'm lucky I didn't break something, and thankfully I live alone. I think I def need to stop drinking alone before I ended up breaking something or somehow hurting myself. I also rarely drink only every 1 or 2 weeks at most. Anyway, I'm just sharing this to tell people what I go through. Maybe some can relate. Maybe I just sound pathetic. Idk. At least I'm recognizing that there is a problem that somehow needs to be resolved. Idk if it ever will though. I also have really bad OCD and anxiety and have struggled my whole life with it. I dont think I'll ever be entirely 'normal' and thats probably a combination of my genetics and horrible upbringing.

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Andeza

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #17 on: July 04, 2021, 04:53:07 PM »
Normal is subjective anyway. I'll never be normal either, because I fall into a very broad definition of not being "neurotypical."

Wolf, do you think it might be helpful to you to set a schedule? If, for instance, you normally talk everyday, you cut that back to every other by not answering every call or text immediately. And then, maybe that feels like a nice change, so you drop back to every third, and so on and so forth until you find what you are able to comfortably handle without necessarily needing to drink to soothe. Because it does seem like you bottle your emotions around her, then when you drink they just ... fly out, sometimes in the form of flying cups. And of course, as a supportive community, we want you to find a place of healing where that no longer feels necessary. Notice I didn't say normal. :bigwink:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
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SunnyMeadow

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #18 on: July 04, 2021, 05:28:16 PM »
The other day she raged at me and told me "fuck you, go to hell, fuck you go to hell" in a fucking demonic sounding voice a bunch of times as loud as she could when I was visiting and told her I wouldn't help her with something because she was treating me so badly. I just shrugged it off and left, apparently bottled up all my emotions about it.

For me this would be enough to go no contact with my mother and not have guilt about it. So you say you can't help her because she was treating you badly and this is her reply? So much for maybe having a mother try to rein in the bad behavior. 

In my relationship with my uNPDmother, I'd handle her rages by severely backing away from her. My mother does the sad, whiny, upset about her awful life thing. Rages would be so hard to deal with.

Protect yourself from her, it's ok to disengage and limit contact. No one else is going to protect you but you.


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Wolf

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Re: How do you deal with parent's rages in a healthier way
« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2021, 06:20:55 PM »
The problem is she knows where I live, shows up unannounced etc. Only way to fix it would be to get a restraining order which would be extremely stressful. Also my dad is not supportive at all tells me to turn the other cheek like fucking Jesus and just suck it up and do what she says even when she says all that hurtful stuff. Fuck that. Also he gets abused my her too. I wanna help him but can't because he doesn't listen. I told him you should just fucking divorce her. Sorry to cuss so much it's just frustrating