I was invited to go and sit in the garden and bring my own coffee

[Heartily]

As most of you know,, these real life stories have a long background. A repetitive pattern which all the members carries on to their adult lives and to their patterns in relationships. I remember this pattern in my childhood, everything was going around two people with severe personality disorders and lowered cognitive capacities (perhaps some sort of brain damage). One parent and a sibling.  It was like two tyrannies who ruined the chances for a healthy live for the rest of the members of the family.

I am not going into details. I am sure, they are similar to many. To describe the general picture, anyone onlooker with a reasonable sensibility, does see within seconds, how twisted everything is to a degree that it must have always been so.  This is reflected right from the conditions of their home keeping which is a result of  the relationship pattern of my  parent & long time companion.
It is clear that this parent cannot create anything healthy around her/him (I am not revealing the sex of my parent). It is obvious that this parent´s capabilities to create anything healthy in the past, is  questionable. The horror reality of my childhood conditioning are revealed by my parent´s way of life, the way of the home and housekeeping. It is clear that it was the deceased parent who must have done everything, because in my childhood our home was decent. (There was nor is no alcohol nor substance abuse; the home chaos and degradation reflects some mental disorder.)


Now, happenings this weekend were the last straw.  I cannot fall into the same ignorance and codependency pattern - never again. It is over.

I have so many times promised to myself in moments of desperation (after abuse) to go no contact, but as many of you know, that´s not how the pattern goes. I have always fallen back to my early years conditioning as the helper, giver, fixer. And the narcissists have acted and pretended, until there comes a peak, in which the mask is dropped off (once again) and it is so clear to me - once again- what abuse I have taken all my life, and how I have been manipulated into helping and giving, you name it. I am an easy prey for these people. They are using my compassion and love. I have woken up to the revelation that I have not love towards myself, not enough. I have not had the opportunity to learn another role, more reciprocal, because of all my life, I have been busy in the caretaker role. These people would not have managed independently. They exhausted my parent who had an early death. And the living parent was never able to be the caretaker for the off spring.

The abusive words and blaming is down right totally insane.    When I read my parent´s texts, I get to have a nervous break down when I realize that I am still involved in this relationship and accepting the horrible lifelong abuse. What a fool I am. I get shocked about my own depth of codependency on being in abusive and NPD -relationship, despite I have many times seen what insanity and abuse comes out, when the mask drops off.

There´s no love, no empathy, not any remembrance of my deeds and help; financial, practical and you name it. There´s no love, no caring, no respect. My parent does not treat everyone this way. I am hated, because I am like my deceased parent. Loving, kind, skillful, have ability, AND, I am a codependent fool. For them, I have always been just someone who is taken advantage of. It is natural to help one´s family members. I always fall for my own healthy instincts. I seem to be out of touch of the reality behind these relationships until the the mask drops off.  At those revealing moments, I see very clearly that I am never supported in any way, I am never given anything, I do not even get a genuine thank you nor appreciation.
When I see the truth, I really get panicky, because I see how deeply conditioned I am. I see how healthy relationships escape me and have escaped me all my life, because I am committed to the role and task I learnt so well in my very early years, at the age of three to four.

Just a superfluous example of my parent´s behaviour. My parent, her companion and my totally codependent sibling were invited to a family celebration of my another sibling. I have been ignored 100 per cent and excluded for one and a half decades since I separated from my affluent ex. My name is not mentioned when my parent talks to the phone with this sibling.
So, just before this weekend, My parent and this invited sibling were chatting along what they will wear and so on. As if I was some neighbour who never had met this sibling whom they were invited by. The whole scene is so insane, one does notmsee it in movies. I am there, and I have just reached half way a crucial task dealing with a matter involving the rights of my codependent sibling and my parent. Both of them have lowered abilities to deal with conceptual matters and tasks. My deceased parent used to be in this role: doing everything, receiving nothing, not even  a thank you.  This deceased parent even took care of getting curtains to the home since the NPD parent ignored mostly taking care of the home (was a stay in home -parent).

When the moment comes that the mask drops off, once I hear the abuse, it strikes me really to the core, how deeply sick the relationships are with my parent, and even to my siblings.

I have always been the one who has never gone along with my NPD parent´s rules. We never had a good relationship, no connection. I doubt this parent is able to have an emotional connection. I get the same treatment as my deceased parent who was compassionate, helpful, kind but was codependent without knowing it. (This deceased parent came from a severely dysfunctional family of origin.)

So, off did they go!
My NDP parent, companion and sibling went to the celebration from which I was excluded, as usual. On their way there, my parent sent me a msn text, in which i was invited to go and sit in my parent´s  garden while they were in the celebration. The text said, I was to take coffee with me since my parent had locked the doors of the house. It is a sunny weather so sitting outside is good. It said, would not risk me getting in the house to snoop around.

Well, I did not see that coming, when during this year, I have brought celebration flowers, new shoes and clothing for my parent and other help. Nor did I see it coming, when I year ago, washed all their carpets and floors and kitchen.

When I reacted to this text, my parents insults escalated (sms texts). I found myself  devastated that I was still in this position receiving all the abuse. There was no one to blame but myself. I knew, I had failed many times to leave, to go no contact. Partly, because my parent has become more skillful in masking the NPD in order to get me doing things for them, helping, getting financial help etc. My natural instinct to help elderly people took over. (i did it most of my youth, too. The parenting was reversed.)

Now, I cannot do this to myself any more. I must go no contact. I must reflect upon to make a home move, to get some physical distance. This is creepy and disgusting. I feel ashamed that i am treated this way and i am still here.

Thank you anyone who had the patience to read my story. I would appreciate any advice and shared experience.

[Starboard Song]

My wife and I are pushing 6 years NC with my in-laws. In a complex crisis involving other family, they gave us one Silent Treat too many. They declared that this one would be permanent: that they didn't want to interact with us and never would want to again. After six months of this, when they continued to sharpen their verbal axe and told us that their only goal was for us to not be in their lives, we cut the mic.

We've been NC ever since. They no longer know their grandson, who was too young to maintain a separate relationship at the time.

You've decided NC is the correct path. When people decide that "going to the grocery store" is the correct path, they never find themselves doing otherwise. They get the shopping list, pick up their keys, put on some shoes. They take appropriate, no-regrets steps towards the goal. When you go NC, or make other such big and complex decisions, you are awash in emotions and complexity, so things can go differently.

Start making the list of appropriate next steps that ARE going NC. We can't tell from your post, so among other things, you may need to provide for financial and housing separation. You may need to start disconnecting on social media and blocking texts, phone numbers, and emails. You certainly need a trusted friend in your FOC to be your helpmate in all this: the one person you can open up to and trust to keep you honest with yourself.

Not everyone approaches NC the same way. Some (like us) leave a single open channel for communications, in case the other party ever wants to make good. Some announce NC, some don't. We did. Please realize there is no one right way to proceed.

Be good. Be strong.

[DistanceNotDefense]

It's easy to blame yourself for things happening this way. For staying in the co-dependence.

But it is NOT your fault.

Your family taught you to be this way. Yes you've been deeply conditioned. For your individual situation, you needed every moment of time with eyes wide open leading up to this very present moment, of deciding to go NC, to pull yourself out of the healthy relationship deficit and climb to where you are now. It was not a waste. You did the best you could. You were climbing up all along.

You should be proud you've learned so much and climbed out of the co-dependency pit.

Family put you down there - not you!

Be easy on yourself.

[moglow]

Petty me: I'd go to that garden and leave a coffee cup, to show I'd been there. No more - no text, no phone call, no response to any of theirs, nothing. Let silence make my point. Lord knows it's not like any actual words would be heard any way. (This is with the assumption that you live elsewhere.)

I can only echo the words above - make whatever plans you need to remove yourself from the abuse. It may take time or mat simply require iron will, but do what's best for yourself. When we know better we do better, even (or especially) for ourselves.

[Heartily]

Thank you so much for your wise and kind comments. Reading them are a healing experience. I must out this time. My ´empathy´plays tricks on me, but this time I am doing all I can to get out of this.

I did not go to the garden, it was insulting. The insulting texts. I guess even my parent gets it that now she has got a hard time gas lighting as if nothing happened.  Exceptionally, there´s been silence, too. The parent does not know how to play it as if nothing happened, it was too rude. I have not replied in any way, I have not been in contact. I hope that from now on I can remain that way. I only received one text from my parent, today. The parent informed me that my brother´s daughter (the one who has excluded me for 20 years) gave birth to a baby. On some level, it was meant to hurt me. I keep it no contact, I have no more to say. I need to get some stuff , but  I will do that later.

This time the whole thing feels so bad that I would not be able to even face my parent nor have nothing to say, not one word.

Thank you so much. I wish you all beautiful moments in the lovely summer time. At times I will return here, this is the only place where one gets real understanding about the core issues. I just want to get this out of my mind and out of my system, that is why I am not being active in the forum.

[Heartily]

It's easy to blame yourself for things happening this way. For staying in the co-dependence.

But it is NOT your fault.

Your family taught you to be this way. Yes you've been deeply conditioned. For your individual situation, you needed every moment of time with eyes wide open leading up to this very present moment, of deciding to go NC, to pull yourself out of the healthy relationship deficit and climb to where you are now. It was not a waste. You did the best you could. You were climbing up all along.

You should be proud you've learned so much and climbed out of the co-dependency pit.

Family put you down there - not you!

Be easy on yourself.

[moglow]

Totally understand the need to get it out and away from the mind - know that we're always here with you, whenever you need willing hearts and ears. Sometimes it truly is just that final step too far, that last straw that can't be ignored and certainly not taken on as if nothing had happened.

[Hilltop]

Heartily I am glad you did not go and sit in the garden.  Yes it was highly insulting and then openly insulting to suggest that you would snoop so they locked the doors.  I would go one step further and block their number from your phone to give yourself some time.  Obviously this is up to you however to receive news from the sibling who excluded you is hurtful.  It is rubbing it in your face by saying how they are all together enjoying the new baby and you are excluded.  This sort of behaviour will definitely affect your self esteem.

It reminds me of the time after my grandparents funeral.  My parents and sibling and their spouse went for a family dinner after the funeral.  I was excluded.  It was not acknowledged how bad this was.  I have been told all my life that family is so important and should be there together at times like weddings and funerals and yet I was excluded.  The best thing I have done is to walk away.

You have done so much for them.  Time away will hopefully give you clarity because what they did was extremely rude and hurtful and you didn't deserve it.  You deserve so much more.  Hugs.

[Heartily]

Thank you, both of you. You perhaps know how deeply it affects me reading supportive and understanding people´s comments.
I am not even thinking about them, it truly seems like the last straw. Sometimes, there comes a point when one just cannot go on as before. Hilltop, what your family did was horrible. My family is equally horrible. I am not thinking about them at all. It feels like the last chance. Having had one´s self of self tied up with always doing things for others, oneself being without support and without thank you, obviously is something one was trained since early childhood. I am just being, letting it unfold who am I. Be blessed, moglow and hilltop.

[daughter]

My malevolent NBM periodically would calmly tell me, her overtly disfavored and SG'ed dutiful daughter/overachiever: "every family has a scapegoat to pick on", as if perfectly normal family dynamic!

Both enmeshed NF and NBM often plainly justified their controlling, domineering, and often openly hostile demeanors as: "it is what it is; we're not going to change, so you just need to accept it".  Operative "it" being whatever inappropriate and/or unpleasant thing they wanted to do, or for me to do at their behest.

I obeyed for 1st 55 years of my life, to no avail. My super-obedience failed to garner me their love or empathy. I could've been "servant-girl" in perpetuity; I was always denied the love, admiration, and cheerleading extended to my only sibling, "princess" GC NSIS, NBM's "mini-me". 

With help of intermittent therapy during my adult years, I finally accepted that NC was both appropriate and much-needed.  I'm very content being NC.  Their abuse is now "all off-screen", yes still occurring, in words and actions, but me no longer in-person recipient and largely ignoring them altogether to my great satisfaction.

[Fortuna]

One of the most valuable things I've learned in my 1 year of NC is forgiveness, not for my PDparent, but for myself for the natural human reactions of trying to be loved by them for so long. There are times I want to kick myself for allowing their actions and not going NC years sooner. But I had to go through the process of knowing they weren't going to change and that I was not the problem as I had been led to believe.  Forgive yourself and move forward.

[lightworld]

One of the most valuable things I've learned in my 1 year of NC is forgiveness, not for my PDparent, but for myself for the natural human reactions of trying to be loved by them for so long. There are times I want to kick myself for allowing their actions and not going NC years sooner. But I had to go through the process of knowing they weren't going to change and that I was not the problem as I had been led to believe.  Forgive yourself and move forward.

So true Fortuna. I too felt ashamed and humiliated at the way my PD parents treated me. It took NC to make me realise I was not to blame and to forgive myself. Good luck Heartily I hope you find peace.