Actions versus words

[Dollydrops]

I feel really stupid, I know I need to look at things differently but its so hard when you're stuck not having been told what you asked for.
I know I'm no longer in a relationship with my 'person' per se, but neither of us has ended it either.
Every time we meet ( something which is never planned, but on an understanding) , I feel like I'm talking to an actor. He is his usual self like we're still 'a couple, kissing me, telling me he's thinking of me all the time and misses our proper times together. He wants to know my schedules. Says he looks out for me and is concerned if I'm not where I would usually be at certain times. Says he likes to know where I am.  I find it odd especially as he has changed employment and I have absolutely no idea where he is on any given day and also because he has not contacted me otherwise in 3 months. It stopped on the understanding that his 'terrible marriage' is about to end and he doesn't want me to take the brunt of it.
The last meeting was confusing to say the least and I know I should put it all behind me and move on, but this has been a long attachment of some years with a lot of history. I'm finding it hard convincing myself its over because of promises of ' it's you I love, youre the one I want to spend my life with, ill msg soon'
This is happening every couple of weeks with no follow up.
I know its blatant in my face, but the reasons he has are always very valid.
I guess I need folks to shout at me, I don't know how anyone could be so convincing and then walk away with no intentions.
Its hurting like hell and I don't know where to start to remove everything he says from my thoughts and start looking at the actions.

[notrightinthehead]

Sometimes we see what we want to see because it would hurt too much otherwise.  Maybe you could try a slow withdrawal for a little while and see how you go. You could tell yourself that you will not think about your person for 2 hours a day and whenever your mind wanders, you replace it with thinking about a project or a book or something you are interested in.  You give yourself a person free break for a while. Then you could make arrangements or a commitment for a few weeks to do some project, craftwork, a new skill that will require some of your time. And you try to have one social interaction, however small, maybe just a chat with someone every day.
I agree with you, whenever words and actions contradict each other, it is a wise choice to focus on actions, not words.
Be kind and lenient with yourself too,  you seem to know what you are doing. You are addicted in a way. It takes time and determination to overcome that.

[Dollydrops]

Thank you,
I'm just having trouble with the fact that when he sees me he's really convincing, elaborate in what he says, says I'm constantly on his mind etc, says his life is bad without me but making no attempt to contact other than that and he looks well and happy. I know NPD's can be manipulative and like to keep you around for when they need you. Its his words which are keeping me there and a lot of pity and woe is me stories.
I do have a great social circle and a few hobbies. I also have a couple of good friends to talk to.
I have stopped going to the places we usually meet because my gut says if it wasn't for seeing him there I'd hear nothing from him. It's that no closure and still saying all the right things so convincingly which are baffling.
Trauma bonds fit except I'm not obsessing so much this time round, I just feel deeply sad.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, it is sad when we fall for a person who is not at all authentic .  We are in love with a mirage,  with what could be,  the real person has nothing to do with that.