First Divorce Attorney Consult Update

[Finding Grace]

Hi ~ I posted a few weeks ago about my upcoming first Divorce attorney consult asking if I should disclose H porn addiction. I had only said it out loud one time to a therapist years ago, and she distanced afterward, so I only read online after that, and I'm sure I disassociated quite a bit as well...

Over the past couple months, I had gotten 7 referrals for this attorney, one of the leading in our area, 11 yrs younger than me, 1 child, divorced.

Well, it didn't turn out like I thought or was prepared for...I was road-tired from having spent the 2 weeks prior moving my college kids around, graduating another one. I was up late copying documents to take, and she didn't even look at them...

She asked me questions, I talked, she listened. I went through our marriage time-line, our military family, me as SAHM 20+ years, moving around, he is recently retired, etc. I talked about H abuse, porn and hiding assets.

She said, "with porn, wives always think its about them, but..." she waved her hand. She said the Judge expects everyone to work 40 hours, at minimum wage. I stated that our plan that was when he retired, i would be available to travel to support the family, our aging parents and our young adult children living in different states.

She said "your job is over now" "they are 18, they have to figure it out" and "When you file, it'll be the worst 6 months of your life and then things will be better"

I left feeling like I got kicked in the stomach, for my frowned-upon past life choice of staying home with kids and putting up with H. The way she looked at me was the whole, "Why doesn't she just leave?" for domestic abuse.

In reflecting over the past week, I know I would do it all over again. The kids needed to have some semblance of healthy parenting, as best I could. I will keep forging on, attorney opinions be damned...Thanks to this site and all of you sharing your experiences!

[JustKeepTrying]

It really s*cks when you feel they don't listen.  I'm sorry this happened to you.

I was told that you don't have to like your attorney, it's even better that you don't. They keep the focus on the legal and feelings be damned.

My attorney had never heard of PD and thought it was just straight domestic abuse.  After a while, I didn't try to change his mind or educate him.  He was doing his job and that's all I needed.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to?  Sounds like you need a friend beyond this board? 

That old why doesn't she leave - I even said it myself truly not understanding that I was living it- regardless, you left and that is a brave and difficult choice.  Kudos to you!

[pushit]

Attorneys can come across as cold-hearted, but keep in mind that they deal with highly dysfunctional relationships every day.  Even though our situations may feel highly complicated and are very stressful to us, they see much worse on a regular basis.  During the darkest days of my divorce my lawyer was dealing with other cases that made mine look tame.  In all reality, with kids over 18, your case probably looks pretty simple to an attorney even though you've been through a lot.

It helps to remember that attorneys are not there to be your friend, they are there to get you through the divorce as painlessly as possible because they know the laws and are familiar with how a judge would rule on your case.  If you can compartmentalize them to just that it will feel more comfortable.  They are just another tool in the toolbox.  It's a business relationship, and we should treat it as such.

If you need someone to talk to, I would suggest a therapist or a close friend.  Both of those options are more suitable, and much cheaper.  I learned that my lawyer will listen, but he is charging me for that time.  It only took one huge bill from him to make me realize I should be venting to someone else.

[Finding Grace]

To clarify - this attorney asked me for all this information so she could assess the case. I did not expect her to be my friend or therapist, and I was paying her hourly rate to get information about what to expect and the process, which the answer was to pay her retainer and file contested.

Pushit - She was headstrong and seemed eager to argue - at one point she misstated a number I had said, when I corrected it, she blew it off. I do not believe her goal would be to make it as painless as possible for me, but rather increasing and instigating drama, a 'pit bull' type, which is not what I need.

After being around chaos creators for so long, I am not dealing with this type, let alone hiring to represent me in an important part of my family's future.

I have other attorney referrals and will continue with other consults.

This was my first ever divorce attorney experience and I'm throwing it the collective of our life experiences for anyone who might benefit. Stay strong!

[Stillirise]

I'm sorry your first consult didn't go the way you hoped!  There's nothing wrong with taking time to get a feel for different styles and approaches. 

I wanted to find someone who was pragmatic, straightforward, smart, could help me manage expectations, and preferred not to go to trial. I found that. She didn't always tell me what I wanted to hear, but by the end, she had my full confidence, and got me across the finish line without me ever stepping foot in a courtroom. With my uphxh, that was nearly miraculous! Best wishes to you, in your search, and on your journey!

[Bunnyme]

I'm sorry it didnt go well.  I went through several consults before I found someone I was comfortable with.  The first guy actually shamed me after I asked him to not refer to my husband as a (r-word).  He wanted to go guns blazing and file a restraining order...the whole nine yards.
I wasnt comfortable, so I went with someone who is more into negotiating.  I dont always get along with her, either.  In the end, though, she has been around a long time and seen it all. 
Try a few more, if you like, and then pick one you think you can work with.  You dont have to particularly like them, but you do need to feel respected.

[Lauren17]

I'm sorry to hear that the consult didn't go well. That first attorney visit was terrifying for me!
Several things I've read recommend not admitting that you think your spouse has a PD.  One said that divorce attorneys hear that all the time, so they tend to dismiss it. Sometimes, it can cause people to assume you're the difficult one.  They recommend talking about patterns and behaviors instead.  I've said things like.  "H lashes out when he's hurt." and "I want this to go as smoothly as possible, but experience tells me I need to protect myself against retaliation."
I don't work full time, either.  That was one of the very first things the attorney asked questions about.  There must be a reason why that's such an important point.  But there were also reasons for you taking care of your children instead of working.  This are equally important!
Keep trying.  I'm rooting for you!