Trying to meet new people is exhausting

[Sapling]

Ok so I am struggling at the moment. I've had a horrible year of opening my eyes to PD behavior around me and dropping toxic friends and doing some serious work on myself (on top of Covid related difficulties). I have a new flatmate moving in this week. I have gravitated closer to some old friends (nons)  who have always cared about me and who I lean on a bit more. But the close PD friends who I cut out have left a huge gaping hole in my life and it has been hard meeting new people and making new friends.

I try to go out when I can. I say yes to invitations I might not normally say yes to. I have even been on a couple of dates with someone I really liked, for the first time in three years, although nothing came of it (which made me sad and frustrated). I'm tired. People are flaky and it annoys me. Or they're in a different place in life to me. Or they haven;t done the work. People in couples always have each other and don't have to make as much effort to see me as I make to see them. I'm tired of being that person who is always calling others. I feel (although this could be the distorted thinking of unhappiness) that when you're single and lonely everything seems to be on other people's terms.

People in my city seem so busy all the time. I know I shouldn't take this personally but I do. I miss being able to call my PD friends all the time. I wish I could turn back time to when I didn't know how bad any of their behavior was and I didn't suspect anything. I am lonely. I just want familiarity. I want someone to talk to every day who I can rely on and who knows me. I would like to be in a healthy relationship. And I feel embarrassed about this desire because I can't seem to make it happen. I'm not posting this for advice on how to meet someone or make new friends. I'm just posting this here because I want someone to tell me how I can keep hoping, when I feel so much despair. I'm exhausted from trying to meet people and having to talk to people about who I am and what I do. I know this probably sounds petulant and irrational but this is where I am. I'm 40 and now I understand why people prefer a dysfunctional relationship to being on their own. It sux. And most people won't listen to how you feel or say anything real to help you feel better. They just hit you with a platitude whenever you feel lonely or down because they can't handle the realness of those feelings. I feel so alone and uncared for and I cannot help but think that this is it for me- this is what my life is going to be like. Please someone, tell me that is not true.

[eyesopen]

How can you keep hoping when you feel so much despair? I think that's exactly the issue: the fact that you're hoping is causing the despair.

The trick is to let go of the hope. Not in a "I give up, there's nothing to hope for" kind of way. What I mean is that you're making happiness a goal to achieve instead of something you can experience right now. By doing that, you're creating a barrier between you and happiness, a condition that needs to be met or else you won't let yourself be happy.  That barrier, that condition, is what you need to let go.

When you find reasons to be thankful for exactly where you are in life, you'll find happiness in the present rather than hoping for it in your future. And when you start feeling happy where you are, other people will intuitively pick up on that and then new friendships, new connections will start appearing in your life. Life has a way of giving you exactly what you want at precisely the moment when you stop wanting it or looking for it.

All of this is something I'm currently struggling with. Don't get the impression that I have it all figured out and I'm telling you how to live. Intellectually, I understand all this and I've seen it work in my life a few times, but that doesn't make the process any easier. Knowing how to do something and actually taking the steps to do it in my life are entirely different things. Trust that everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to be.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Sapling,

You really nailed it. Meeting new people is exhausting. Its like the difference between living in our same house year after year and enjoying that house vs having to move and find a new house each year. All that searching and learning (about the other person) when we are at an age where we wish we just had those few friends that we like and who respect us. No more searching and finding most are unsuitable!

Just like house hunting for most People! Exhausting!

It's frustrating. We don't need 20 friends but we do want a few people who we enjoy seeing and who appreciate our friendship.

I too have found that a lot of people my age are flaky-  as you say. They come and go as they please. They don't notice or care about friendship the way you do. For them it is normal to chat with someone one day and then not talk to them for a month or more.

They contact us when they feel like it.

And they act like this is what is normal.

That is what gets me. When they act like their flaky ways are normal.

Sure....normal for them.

And there are a lot of them. There are a lot of women I met in my 30's and 40's and they are pleasant but they don't want to put effort in. They will meet us for a movie if we do all the leg work. They don't reciprocate. We make plans once, twice 4 times and still, nothing on their end.

I hate this behaviour so much. I like you, am careful not to cater to it anymore.

What I have found through much heartbreak and trial and error is that when you meet someone you like but they don't initiate plans and they don't seem to get it....its best if you see them at an organized event where there will be others doing something you enjoy. For example if you invite them to a nature walk that is going on in your area and they don't show,  you still get to do the thing.

That said I totally get that this doesn't fix the issue of not having friends. Friends, I have come to learn are others who want to make the effort. Someone can be the nicest most interesting person on the earth but if they don't make the effort, then they wont really become our friend.

And what you're finding out is how few people make an effort. And it does suck!!

As I read your post it struck me how insightful you are about all of this mess and how it isn't for lack of trying or motivation or insight on your part.

I wonder if the reason we miss our narc contacts is because of the contact.

We've just been through a year of social distancing and lack of contact.

Your post reminded of when we are so isolated,  that contact with a narc can nostalgically seem better than no contact at all.

I wonder if a lot of us here have had pangs of nostalgia for when we had a narc in our life that we had all that contact with.

So many of us had years in the past where we did meet up with narcs for movie dates and yoga classes etc... and at least it was something. This "nothing" completely sucks!

The standard advice on self help websites and many counsellors will of course be along the lines of  "find ways to get out and meet people and see how it goes".

This advice has irked me after years of attending said social events and the event being dominated by the narcs in the crowd.

Its very possible that there are folks in our cities that we would hit it off with if we could just meet them!!

Don't forget- high school was the last time society put us all into rooms with 30 or 40 peers our age who had time on their hands to hang out with us.

After college years wow life changes. Finding people who are gonna match with us personality wise becomes our entire weekend task now!!  During our school years, society did the leg work for us.

If nothing else we had contact with  peers to spend time with -  even if it was just to be in class together learning trig, or at the mall or other high school type things.

A lot of friendly folks our age (hello 40s!) are hard to find. Except the narcs and flaky folks. They are easy to find. No one needs to go looking far for them lol.

I hear you about wanting that familiarity. When we finally outgrow our narc friendships there is that hole that they easily filled.

I am over 10 years NC with FOO. The first year after NC, I pushed for the familiarity with non-FOO. For almost a decade... before changing into the wise person I am today lol.

And you know what? My desire for fast familiarity was most easily met by narcs. I could slap my former self for not seeing this !!

So in the last few years now I have found that familiarity you yearn for. So yes you will find it too.

I found it. In pockets.

With some folks it came about 3 months after first meeting. With others it took 6 months. With some it took about a year.

But its not there very often with busy peers my age. Its there at times and that does frustrate me when I am sitting at home and I want it and it's not there that day. Or that week.

Also the folks I met the first year after NC ...I. never found that familiarity with them. Never. Isn't that interesting you have found the same thing during your last year too.

I hope others chime in with their experiences of this. The first set of folks i met after NC were not my new friends.

The familiarity never happened.

Instead i codependently created it for them -  but it wasn't reciprocated. That might be what irks you about the flaky people you have met. There's familiarity with some of them but they don't want to act on it.

That irritates me as well.

Others here can share about what they found when seeking that familiarity.

For me it involved years of re contacting old narcs to see if i could make the friendship work.

Years of me going back to them to push for the familiarity I needed. 

I know you said you're not seeking that age old advice on meeting new people. I get that. I wanted to share my own experiences with why I think you are right about that not being the issue.

That said, the way I found those pockets of familiarity was by finding people with shared interests. From there a few have built that familiarity with me.

If you have interests or pursuits you genuinely want to invest some time in, my honest advice is that finding a way to do some of that can lead you to end up being around folks who might be enjoyable in that space. Lots of maybes there... but life has no guarantees.

I write this as someone who has joined social groups of 10 to 25 people with my same interests and not find a match. That happens.

Some of my hobbies do include social meet ups but a lot of people approach it more casually or less creatively than I do. So there were lots of people there during events but very hard to find those who I would fit with. And easy to end up spending lots of time chatting with narcs.

Now another interest I've pursued it is easier to find the people who approach it with the same level of interest I have for it and the same types of emotions I have about doing this pursuit.

In the past, someone who was cool and funny and got me but didn't have time for me more than once a month that was hard for me. It seemed flaky.

Now I would enjoy that but back then I wanted way more than .

I did make some friendships in those groups at times. And they didn't last forever.

Deeper friendships in this culture are going against the cultural grain in a lot of ways. I have seen how flaky people are. We are set up to "meet for a mani and pedi" and chit chat about superficial topics.

A lot of people now believe that this is normal. When I listen to them I hear them talk about how busy they are running errands all the time. Ok, are all of those errands essential? Very unlikely. If they really wanted to make time for us they could.

Again, that's on them. They have adapted to a life without depth whereas some of is still believe and hope for more. You will meet 4 flaky people for ever 1 who is more of a fit for you. I made that stat up. Sometimes I feel we meet 20 flaky people for every 1 person who is reliable....

Its exhausting to go from recovering from codependency amd thus ending narc friendships to then find the energy to find new healthy friends. I have felt as exhausted and frustrated as you sound and I respect the journey here is freaking exhausting!

When 2 People with compatible interests and personalities meet, its like the universe shone a light on us for once.

Final thoughts...When i was super codependent I made it look like I was super compatible with people. Narcs fit into that narrative because they know how to "plug in" to a codependents desire for friendship.  but they sure don't know how to be a friend to us. Lots of heartache after friendships with those narcs.

Also I think that all that law of attraction stuff messed up a lot of people my age. They want to "attract" the "one". I wonder if that has made a lot of women my age flaky to be honest.

It gives them an excuse to be flaky because they are "seeking" "the one". They want that familiarity right away and if it doesn't happen right away they quickly move on instead of taking some time with us to get to know us better. Those are women who want details about us right away and then 3 months into it we text them and they don't answer anymore and we think wtf?

I just went through a thing with a friend and it seemed like we were building that familiarity.

I was reminded...beware the mean girls who use that familiarity to put us down and criticize us. That movie Mean Girls depicted that so perfectly.

You will meet all sorts in life, not just flaky folks.

Trees

[Jolie40]

Hi Sapling

posted about "making friends" back in April....some responses if u care to read

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86591.msg743451#msg743451

[Sapling]

eyesopen, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post but I'm afraid I have to respectfully disagree with your advice.  I am not looking for a trick to help me avoid the feeling of having an unfulfilled desire, nor do I subscribe to the belief that "Life has a way of giving you exactly what you want at precisely the moment when you stop wanting it or looking for it." I think some people find connection because they are looking for it and others find it when they are not looking for it. I think part of what isolates single people (further) is that we live in a society where we are blamed in subtle and not-so-subtle ways for being single and not heard when we express normal feelings like loneliness and desire. It is not my hope that is causing my despair. It is the fact that emotional immaturity is the norm, shallow connections are the norm and avoidance of intimacy is the norm. Codependency is rewarded with the status of being in a relationship and being seen by society as emotionally healthy simply because you are in a relationship. That is what causes my despair. I also disagree with the idea that people will "intuitively" pick up on my happiness and befriend me. I don't like people because they are happy. I like people because they are kind, generous, emotionally mature, smart, funny, honest and quirky. If I meet them when they're going through a hard time in life, does that negate all of their good qualities?

treesgrowslowly, you addressed some of the above mentioned 'norms' which get in the way of forming healthy friendships and connections and I thank you for that. I agree that the 'Law of attraction' stuff really messed up a generation because it gave people a false sense that they had more control over things than they really do and it eroded their sense of empathy for other people's pain and suffering. Also most people are ignorant about the fact that the Law of Attraction came from a larger (non-western) body of knowledge that included concepts like Karma and Samsara (the idea that life inherently involves suffering).

I have also reflected on the way that Narcs and other PDs can plug into that need for familiarity (and intimacy) and mimic that in a relationship or friendship. I'm certainly wary of that now and I see how my desire for that made me vulnerable to PDs. And yes, I have been quite alone through covid which has not helped. The loneliness is cumulative and the instability of this time makes me crave something familiar. My Narc friends were more available than nons but, as you say, the friendships ended very painfully and they fed my insecurities over time rather than building me up like real friendship does.

Its exhausting to go from recovering from codependency and thus ending narc friendships to then find the energy to find new healthy friends. I have felt as exhausted and frustrated as you sound and I respect the journey here is freaking exhausting!

Thank you so much for saying this! It's so hard and exhausting. And please don't get me wrong- I also spend a lot of time on my own because I read a lot and play music at home and have solitary hobbies that I like pursuing. But sometimes when I look around at other people my age who are in stable relationships or have an established group of friends I wish I had something like that for myself and I find it hard when the "It's never going to happen for me" thought creeps in.

Jolie40 thank you for linking the "making friends" post from April. I did read it at the time, when I was in a better place. It has been good to have a reread now and know that I'm not alone in what I feel.

I feel like I've hit a patch of turbulence in my life right now and I am trying to take it one day at a time.

[Andeza]

While I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to pop in and offer a  I'm glad you are actively seeking to change the parts of your life you are not satisfied with. That's huge. And it is a massive undertaking, of course its exhausting! Best wishes

[Sapling]

Thanks Andeza! I needed a hug today

[Jolie40]

Sapling
know this isn't the same as friends you're looking for but this kept me sane:

when I became a sahm, whenever child & I went to grocery store, I talked with the deli clerks/cashiers
needed adults to talk with as missed my co-workers!

I'd ask how there were & one women would come around counter & shared some personal stuff she was going through at the time- I missed her when they moved her to different store location

then @ drug store....one girl @ video counter told me all about her college classes & such


today, when I send child over to deli, those same clerks ask child about school & say "I remember when you were small" OR "you've really grown"  etc
child then says "saw my friends at the deli counter!"

[1footouttadefog]

I am also at a place in life where I need a reset socially.

Several friends passed away this last year or so.  I also needed to change churches about the time covid came along.  Most churches are just now getting back into the full swing of things and it's hard to meet people while watching online.

I have met some people in o line chats that are pretty cool to talk with.  I have a pretty regular voice chat meeting once a week that I look forward to.

I thi k at some point I decided to bear the feeling of loneliness and find away to be happy despite not having the social and personal support from friendships that I need and desire.

I figured that the healthier I got and the happier I could be on my own, the less I would be needy or vulnerable to NARCs in relationships.

Over time, I found that I recognized the Narc's and other pd red flags earlier, and that I attracted them less.  Most  importantly I am less attracted and needy of what they offer.

I am still rebuilding and covid impacts on that are subsiding so I am looking forward to having a social life again.

I hope your situation in proves also.  Yes, keep hoping, you will find your tribe in time.

[tragedy or hope]

I dont know... I think this problem is more common than not. Our world has changed so rapidly with electronic communication etc... I recently saw a you tube of a professor who said he is scared to death of the upcoming generation because they have no understanding of true connection and behave like robots without feelings. He did a study on young people worldwide.

So... I too struggle with just having simple down to earth conversations with people in my area.
Its like a game of catch.... I throw the ball but the recipient just keeps it and does not throw back.

Where I live if I ask a personal question, simple, normal getting to know you stuff, people seem to back off. They don't seem to want to connect. Frustrating. I will say those who are more of an empathic nature find it more challenging. 

I found some people in church and religious activities. Also, find friends in any of the 12 step groups. There seems to be one for just about anything. People there are open, and welcoming by nature of the programs. 

[blacksheep7]

I hear you.  I also think it is more common when we would like to believe. I'm kind of in the same situation but mainly because of Covid, my area having been  in the red until last week.   Lost a couple of  longtime friends  when they showed me their true colors during a girls vacations...Pd traits/judgement instead of support.  I don't miss them as real friends wouldn't have acted the way they did, lack of empathy.

The ones I have or should I say had wouldn't put in the effort to call me, always busy.  The phone still works both ways, I prefer instead of Fbook or just texting.   I don't bother anymore if I have to be the one always reaching out.   Honestly, I only have two and one lives too far away.

I had plans to go to start an group activity and/or a course of some sort, well that went down the drain.  I'm waiting for life to become normal again. I never had any problems making friends, it's just bad timing for most of us.

As for the 12 step groups, it is a great place to meet people without feeling uncomfortable to discuss certain issues.  Most people who are there need that connection.

Even though I keep busy with projects/hobbies, I greatly miss my social life that I once had, especially my gchildren which are my   

Do not despair as it does take some time to find good friends. 

[1footouttadefog]

I as others have posted that it's part of a changing culture.

I can remember hearing about dinner parties when I was a young person. I so wanted to be in a place to have them.  Adults getting together and sharing and learning from each other.  It seemed like it would be so much better than the mostly superficial  hit chat I heard among my age peers.

I remember being so disappointed to hear the same type of superficial banter for the most part.  Of course there were always some people who were more interesting and had more depth but most of it was superficial.

It was frustrating to me to endure hours of superficial chit chat in exchange for a few minutes of something more. 

Weather, bragging about jobs, report and update in kids, update on restaurants, review of everyone vacation plans, etc.

I always found it interesting that no one wanted details of what someone experienced, or who they met, or ate on a trip, just a check list of who going where as if to. Compare and compete.  No convo about the real experience from a given person's perspective.

I think now that I am older that those who like superficial relating are bei g satisfied by Facebook and Twitter and hBe become perhaps even addicted to that form of interaction.

The folks who created and who run the platforms openly discuss the addictive natire of it all and how it brings people back. 

I have let myself spend too much time online at times and realize it's my choice if I spend my free time at home instead of out and about where I can meet people. 

And it is tiring at times to go out and about and easy to opt for online interactions. 

I hope everyone is able to find their tribe soon.