Is dating while separating a good idea

[ploughthrough2021]

I was just wondering if dating while going through a separation is a good idea.  Will it compromise my legal separation/divorce negotiations.

[Boat Babe]

I don't know about the legal side of things but if your stbx has a PD, chances are you need some time out from dating.  There's usually so much to unpick and to heal from.  It can also happen that you meet an excellent human being at the worse possible time! Maybe ask them to wait a few months.

Good luck.

[Stillirise]

 

I spent about a year of our separation and divorce process alone, working on myself. It was time very well-spent.  A couple of months ago, I did meet someone. I actually made a post about it in "working on us," because I wasn't sure if I was ready.  We have kept things very low key, and maintained an extremely low profile.  My divorce was final last week, but up until that point, I didn't want to give updxh any additional reasons to be triggered, and hold up the settlement process.  He latched onto anything he could along the way, to argue over, so there was no need for me to give him any ammunition.

[Bunnyme]

It may depend on where you are.  I dont think dating before the divorce is a great idea, but you can ask your attorney. 

[eyesopen]

Will it compromise your legal standing in the divorce? Depends on local laws. Where I am, extramarital relationships have no effect at all on the legal aspects of the divorce proceedings.

Is it a good idea? No, not "good" per se, but it's not necessarily bad either.

Dating can help give you additional social interaction. It can boost your confidence and self esteem by realizing that other people are out there and attracted to you. It can help you practice in relating romantically with non-PD people. It can help you practice identifying red flags for PD or other unwelcome behaviors. It can help you to avoid ruminating over the ended relationship by focusing your attention elsewhere.

Dating at a vulnerable time can also get you attached in another toxic relationship. It can take your focus off of improving and healing yourself. It can diminish your confidence and self esteem by realizing that other people out there are loaded with baggage and red flags. It can provoke jealousy or anger in your ex and make negotiations more difficult.

All that to say... proceed with caution.

[Blackbird11]

I had a two year separation. Year 1 I completely avoided dating. My uPDh dove right in and signed up for like, 4 (possibly more?) dating apps during that time. I knew if he found out I was dating it would cause an uproar. I couldn't risk it.

Instead of dating, I tried to do things for myself when possible: worked out, took myself out to eat and to the movies, started reconnecting with my friends, and I started to remember what I like to do as a human in my free time. I had given up so much of myself to be in the relationship with the PD.

By year 2, I wanted to get out and try dating, but then the pandemic/lockdown happened! Literally the week before lockdown my uPDh was talking about moving out, and then when we were told to quarantine he decided to stay longer.

I didn't start to try OLD until the fall, when he moved out officially. By then I was much more ready. I still took things slow and was adhering to social distancing guidelines - which I think was also a gift because it allowed me to really not rush into anything with anyone.

Then (like I mention in the other post) I met a guy I really liked. Even though he was divorced and I wasn't, I had a longer separation than him. I actually felt like I had done more of the emotional work and he was just getting started. I knew from the beginning that maybe he wasn't ready, and then ultimately he did let me know exactly that.

[ploughthrough2021]

Thank you so much for your replies.  I have decided that it would be wiser to wait.  I will instead keep myself busy healing and refinding myself first.