So confused

[astar24]

Hi.  This is the first time I have posted.  I have been in my relationship for nearly 4 years and it has always been rocky.  Long story short, we have great chemistry, spark off each other and I do love him..  He has lied to be numerous times in our relationship, none confirmed but I know he has cheated on me.  The final straw came in December when I found he spent the day with someone else, he did confirm this.  He denied that there was anything wrong with this and they were just friends.  He ended the relationship blaming me saying I was causing him insecurities.  For those 3 months, the whole time he was begging for me back without really accepting any responsibility for what he did.  I also found out that in that time he was seeing another girl and made her pregnant! 

We got back together in January this year and he has literally showered me with affection, gifts, and flattery.  He has been open about his whereabouts and I have no reason to believe he is cheating.  He has been to counselling with me and is constantly apologising for his mistakes.  He said he realised what he had and is so scared of losing me again.

I'm not sure why though, despite him doing everything right, I feel like this is putting a lot of pressure on me and he talks about us living together.  He earns a lot of money and wants to help me with money but i'm reluctant to accept his gifts because I am scared of it going wrong again and have to pay it all back.  He is very generous so I feel like i'm pushing him away with my refusals all the time.  He also texts me a lot and commands a lot of my time.  I am a single mum so his offers to help with the kids are greatly appreciated but he makes me feel I only want to see him when I need his help - the reality is I don't get any time to myself so sometimes I genuinely don't want to see him - so confused....

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!  This does not sound too good, lies, cheating, now pushing you to move the relationship faster forward than is comfortable for you.  A partner who loves and respects you will give you the time you need and not push you into a corner.  To me that would be a warning sign. 

[Simon]

So...many...red...flags!!!

Normally I'd say listen to your gut, because it's something we all wish we had done, but yours isn't a new relationship, so you have all the facts, and you probably already know what you wish you didn't.

Let's face it.
He couldn't make it clearer if he sat you down and said to you "OK. this is how I'm going to mistreat you from now on, so if you can never hold me accountable, and if possible, blame yourself for my terrible behaviour, that would be great. I'll tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry for what I did, just sorry I got caught. I'll make sure to be extra careful next time. You OK with that? Cool!".

Have to agree with @notrightinthehead.
Huge warning sign, and you need to see how he reacts to you asking for 6-12 months before deciding to move in.
If he's really sorry, and his behaviour isn't part of a disorder, then he'll wait.
Even longer if he really wants to be with you.

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree with notrightinthehead and Simon. This, in particular, smacks of lovebombing: "he has literally showered me with affection, gifts, and flattery." Combined with the bigger cycle of lying, cheating, and ending the relationship by blaming you sounds like there's some trauma bonding going on.

If he's truly sorry and wants to prove how much he's changed, I would think that the very first step would be to respect your boundaries. To listen when you say "no" to something and to not keeping pushing for what he wants.

The fact that you feel pressure and like he's demanding a lot of your time is your internal alarm system telling you to proceed with caution. If I were you, I'd do what Simon suggested and make it clear that I won't be ready to even DISCUSS moving in together for at least a year. Many PDs are capable of behaving like saints when they want to. (My mother is one of them.) If they think they aren't going to get what they want, usually it's tantrum time.

[Boat Babe]

I'm sorry that you are being treated this way. It's just awful.

I know that if I am confused in a relationship it's because something is wrong.  From what you have written, this man's behaviour is very concerning  and exhibits many traits of malignant narcissism.  I feel that if you let him into your life any further he will become seriously abusive. Everything he has done and is doing points to that.

You have a child and, although it's tough being a single mum, you have your autonomy and your own home.  Do not relinquish that for a man who acts like that. You need to protect yourself and your little one.

I suggest you read/watch  a lot about personality disorders. What they can do will chill you to the bone.

Sorry to be so blunt but I fear for you and your child.

[astar24]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I think the reason why I feel confused right now is because everything he is doing is right, he is making an effort with the children, he appears like he wants to look after me and is deeply sorry.  He says counselling has made him see his bad behaviour and he wants to put things right.  The only red flag I see at this very minute is when I set a boundary (l don't see him for a couple of days), he keeps texting me and I feel guilty for having this time.  He is posting loads of photos of us on social media together also which puts pressure on me to do the same, he says things like "I know i've made it when you post a photo of us together'.    Any times when we fall out it is unbelievable how it de-escalates so quickly into something confusing!

[Simon]

I think the first thing you should do is take a look at the traits for BPD and NPD, and be honest with yourself about how many of them he has.
You've been with him for four years, and you say it's always been a rocky relationship, so you'll know for sure whether or not he is possibly BPD or NPD.
Maybe he's already been diagnosed with it, and you just haven't mentioned it yet.
From what you've said, it sounds like he is PD, but it's going to be important for you to get a handle on whether it's just irresponsible, bad behaviour, or something much, much more serious.

For the following comments, I'm going to assume he is PD.

I think the reason why I feel confused right now is because everything he is doing is right, he is making an effort with the children, he appears like he wants to look after me and is deeply sorry.

They are experts at saying what needs to be said, when it needs saying.
Over 4 years, do his actions back up his words, ALL THE TIME?
I suspect not.

He says counselling has made him see his bad behaviour and he wants to put things right.

Good. Then he shouldn't have a problem with you telling him that you will discuss moving in together in 12 months time, and not before.
Another thing that he shouldn't have a problem with is you telling him that occasionally you need time for you and your children, time that doesn't involve him.
An emotionally mature adult will accept this, even if it's not something they want, and will respect your wishes without coercion or payback.

The only red flag I see at this very minute is.....

I think that there are probably a lot more red flags than just the one, and you probably don't want to see them.
Just my opinion.

...when I set a boundary (l don't see him for a couple of days), he keeps texting me and I feel guilty for having this time.  He is posting loads of photos of us on social media together also which puts pressure on me to do the same, he says things like "I know i've made it when you post a photo of us together'.

The sentence "I know i've made it when you post a photo of us together" is total manipulation.
He knows you still have feelings for him, and he's basically saying that if you don't post pictures, you don't love him.
Complete coercion, and another huge red flag.

Any times when we fall out it is unbelievable how it de-escalates so quickly into something confusing!

And by fall out, do you mean when you say NO to him, or don't do as he pleases?
Try telling him not to post so many pictures of you on social media.
Try telling him that you won't be posting pics on social media every time he does, because you feel he is forcing you to do so.
See how he reacts to those.
If he's emotionally mature, there won't be a problem.

A few questions for you.
You don't have to answer, but maybe worth asking yourself these questions.

When you got back together, did you tell you him you forgive him for cheating on you, and getting another woman pregnant, or did you tell him that you will "try" and forgive him, over time.
If it's the latter, at any point since then, have you told him that you do forgive him. If not, then maybe that's why he's still on his best behaviour.
How do you think he's going to be when you do?

Over the last 4 years, were you afraid to say no to him, to do what you want, or to disagree with him?
Did going against any of these cause the confusing falling outs that you mention?
Do you agree that his reactions to these things are proportionate, or are they completely off the chart?

Are you always walking on eggshells?

Would you say that your relationship is balanced, meaning that you both invest emotionally equally, or do you do most of the real work?

Again, we don't need answers to these questions, but you should be honest with yourself, because you do need these answers.

If you really do think he doesn't have a PD, and has changed, are you really willing to risk yourself and your kids by rushing into it again, just because that's what he wants?
Personally, I think that you should put yourself and your kids first, and make him spend the next 12 months proving to you that he deserves to be in your life.

Good luck.

[astar24]

Thank you so much for your reply, all really good answers and thought provoking.

I think time will tell whether this his behaviour will change or not.  I think my issue is that I am not as affectionate as he is and I don't want him as much as he wants me so it makes him more insecure.

I forgot to mention  he gave me a bank card too with a £200 monthly limit so I can spend on myself, he buys me flowers regularly, takeaways, he has offered to pay for some cosmetic surgery for me and a holiday together.  There is something in my gut telling me it is not right and so I am reluctant to take his money which he sees as a sign of rejection.  He says the money is not important to him.  But I don't want to make myself vulnerable.

All this aside, I took him back because I loved him and was so unhappy without him, I also really missed him as so much was good.  I can't however forgive the lies and deceit, I will always remember it.  I am such a loyal person so it doesn't sit well at all.  All my friends think i'm an idiot getting back with him too.

[Kitbit]

Lots of good answers here. I just want to add how deceptive the good behaviour can be. Even now, out of the romantic phase of the relationship, I'm shocked at how he is able to convince others that the bad behaviour isn't there. This was one thing that kept me caught - no one else in our circle understood, or would believe it, including therapists. This man you describe has all the signs of NPD, lovebombing, lack of boundaries, double standards etc. I lived that life for so long. Ultimately he ended it, but there was so much deception, just as you describe, and I wouldn't want to go back. Two things: be careful if there is any sign things could escalate to physical aggression, and think of the example you are setting for your child. Children will do as you do, rather than as you say. Would you want your child to be in this type of relationship? I often thought if I had a child I would have taken more initiative to end things sooner. I hope it helps reading from someone who has been there. I recommend Richard Grannon as a good teacher on NPD.

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't want him as much as he wants me so it makes him more insecure.

PDs often want what they can't have. They love playing a game of "winning you over." And then the second they've done so, they start to show you their true colors.

As to the spending, gifts, etc., there are ALWAYS strings attached with PD gifts, in my experience. And you've already stated that if things went wrong, you'd have to "pay it back." Anything that's truly a gift should never have to be paid back, nor should there be any quid pro quo involved.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow so not only did he cheat, he risked brining you an STD otherwise there would not have been a pregnancy.

He risked happily ever after, with you when letting imprenating someone be a possibility.

Child support and custody and half siblings to your possible future children and you got no say in it all.

That he is so worried about you posting pictures might indicate he is objectifying you as arm candy, ie he wants others to see you together for the Narc supply it brings him.

Are you younger or more attractive than he is by any chance? 

[Boat Babe]

I'm a bit concerned about the paying for plastic surgery. That sounds like all sorts of wrong.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Like the others who have already replied, I see so many concerning behaviours here.
This one has not been mentioned yet but stands out as a HUGE red flag for me:

"All my friends think I'm an idiot for getting back with him"

These are the people in your life who care about you and have your best interests at heart! Clearly they do not forsee good things for you if you return to this man. 
In my experience, friends don't say things like this lightly either. It is too much of a risk to be wrong about. When you tell a friend something like this, you have to be willing to accept that you might lose the friendship as a result.

[Boat Babe]

Like the others who have already replied, I see so many concerning behaviours here.
This one has not been mentioned yet but stands out as a HUGE red flag for me:

"All my friends think I'm an idiot for getting back with him"

These are the people in your life who care about you and have your best interests at heart! Clearly they do not forsee good things for you if you return to this man. 
In my experience, friends don't say things like this lightly either. It is too much of a risk to be wrong about. When you tell a friend something like this, you have to be willing to accept that you might lose the friendship as a result.

Big time.

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like you are being bought.