Has anyone retired while being NC with an PD parent

[feelingandhealing]

Hi. I am wondering if anyone else has retired while being NC with a PD parent and if so, how did you manage/cope with not informing your PD parent that you retired?

I retired at the beginning of this month and DW is on track to retire at the end of this year. I am charting the retirement waters and trying to adjust and get into some form of a routine before DW retires later this year. In the midst of retirement, I have now been NC with my uNPDM for ten months. On top of recently retiring and continuing to be NC and continuing on my healing journey, I am also finally trying to process being abandoned by my father (primarily since he was gay) and learning about HIV/AIDs given my Dad died from that terrible disease.

Getting back to transitioning to retirement while being NC.... Given that we live in a small city (where almost everyone knows each other), I feel like I must keep my retirement news hidden. My uNPDM has close connections with two of our neighbours and I feel if the neighbours discover that I am retired (which they will, its just a matter of time) that the news will quickly get back to uNPDM. I have one brother who is still in contact with uNPDM and he has been incredibly supportive of my decision to be NC. However, lately his conversations with uNPDM are getting more awkward for him as he has not told her I have retired (and I don't want him to tell her) and she asks him things like, "what have I done"? To which he tells her, she needs to have that discussion one day with me. Of course, I don't plan on having such a conversation. I feel like I have put my brother in a real awkward position. Note, he and I almost never discuss the conversations he has with uNPDM but we did discuss his most recent discussion with her when he and I Zoomed this week. 

Furthermore, I feel like I am keeping a secret from my uNPDM and that I have done something bad. Overall, I am feeling like a little kid which is kinda how I have always felt in the presence of uNPDM.

I have reached a milestone with retirement, and I am choosing not to share that milestone with my uNPDM. And because of that, damn it, I just cannot seem to feel the joy, happiness, and enrichment that is supposed to come with retirement. I know it is very early in my transition to retirement and I need to practice much more self-compassion than what I have been doing given I am having a really hard time with all of this. Anyway, if anyone has retired while being NC with an PD parent, I'd love to hear from you. Likewise, I'd love to hear the advice and guidance of anyone who wants to share.

Thanks for reading this posting. Stay well. Stay safe.

[Cat of the Canals]

However, lately his conversations with uNPDM are getting more awkward for him as he has not told her I have retired (and I don't want him to tell her) and she asks him things like, "what have I done"? To which he tells her, she needs to have that discussion one day with me. Of course, I don't plan on having such a conversation. I feel like I have put my brother in a real awkward position. Note, he and I almost never discuss the conversations he has with uNPDM but we did discuss his most recent discussion with her when he and I Zoomed this week. 

Furthermore, I feel like I am keeping a secret from my uNPDM and that I have done something bad. Overall, I am feeling like a little kid which is kinda how I have always felt in the presence of uNPDM.

If anyone is putting your brother in an awkward position, it is your mother. You have requested he not tell her personal information about you (a reasonable and healthy boundary). He has told her he's not willing to play the triangulation game by acting as the "go-between" (another reasonable and healthy boundary). Ultimately, she's not respecting HIS boundary of not wanting to discuss you or your life. It's too bad he's in that position, but that's often where we find ourselves when continuing to be in contact with PDs.

As for the second part... I have kept many things secret from my PDmom, before and after coming Out of the FOG. The biggest secret involved a rather serious health issue I was having. I felt VERY guilty about not giving her the full details (who doesn't tell their MOTHER these things????), but I was able to get through it by reminding myself that I was doing it to protect and care for my own emotional being, which is one of my main responsibilities as an adult. Remind yourself the same thing. You aren't obligated to tell anyone anything, no matter whether they are your mother or the Pope. She isn't entitled to your confidence. That's something that has to be earned, and she hasn't done that.

[Bothar]

Hello,  I am still working full time but for a period, a few years back, I worked 4 days per week.  My doctor suggested this because I was so drained by my NF's expectations of me and I needed a bit more me time.  My doctor also quite forcefully told me not to tell anyone in my FOO that I was doing this as that day off was for me to do with as I pleased.  To help me de-stress.  I am now on my second NC with my NF ..... nearly one year now.  I know that if I was in contact with him,  he would expect me to do all his errands, call him every day (even just for him to say he was fine) and be his general girl Friday.  My siblings were much better at keeping him at bay and have now moved away.  They did help out when we all lived in the same neighbourhood (my Mom had alzheimers for many years before she passed) but my NF liked to think he had a 'special' relationship with me where he could tell me 'anything' etc.  But his behaviour would also be terrible towards me.  If I was retired he would just assume that this extra time would be something that he could make use of so that he could avoid making any real decisions about his own future.

Furthermore, I feel like I am keeping a secret from my uNPDM and that I have done something bad. Overall, I am feeling like a little kid which is kinda how I have always felt in the presence of uNPDM.

Yes, they love treating us like we're children and I know my NF likes it when I feel guilty. 
Am I understanding this correctly?  You want to go out and about, enjoying your well earned retirement, but you fear that you will either bump into you unBPM or she will hear about how much fun you are having and be cross with you?  My thinking is that if you were in contact with your unbpM, you still would not enjoy your retirement because she would just keep draining you and making you feel you have to give that time to her.  Either way, its a challenging spot for you to be in. 
Your choices comes down to
1. Continuing to hide the retirement while still maintaining NC, experiencing little enjoyment from that retirement....experiencing ongoing guilt plus a growing resentment about feeling trapped.  So even with NC, she will still control you.
2. Deciding to openly enjoy your retirement, face the fact that she knows about it (which takes guts for sure), experience some degree of guilt here and there but gradually find that the enjoyment far outweighs the guilt.  Feeling guilty just shows that you have a kind heart that has been bullied once to often. 

I keep reminding myself  that I was just a little girl when my NF filled my head with guilt and duty etc.  I am now grown up....nearly 60....and if I'm to claw back any quality time for myself and my DH, I'm going to take that little girl's hand and lead her out of that dark, yucky, guilt ridden environment and bring her to the playground to have some fun!  Think about the little boy in you and if he was in your care, what would you do.
Wishing you well x

[Hepatica]

Furthermore, I feel like I am keeping a secret from my uNPDM and that I have done something bad. Overall, I am feeling like a little kid which is kinda how I have always felt in the presence of uNPDM.

The above quote stood out for me. I think it is worth exploring that for yourself and see what is happening. I think that PD parents want to keep us "childlike" for their purposes.

I congratulate you on your retirement. What a great time to get some joy.

As for telling "white" lies to avoid feeding PD people drama, I don' t have a problem with it. All your neighbour's need to know is you are now working from home. Say that and quickly ask them how they're doing. Change the subject. Your brother should do the same.

If someone has hurt us over and over again, I don't think they have the right to know our private business.

All the best on this new chapter of your life. Do exactly what you love and what makes you feel happy. 

[blacksheep7]

Hi feelingandhealing,

First off, congratulations on your retirement!

Ten years ago I retired early while nc, my department had closed and I started having health issues because of trauma (repressed rage for decades) & Ptsd  with Covert M which I didn't know at that time. I was hospitalized because I started having convulsions .  She found  out I was sick but never called me or dh to find  out why.  She was pissed that I cut her off.

I didn't tell NM  because of nc,   wanted nothing to do with her as she took over NF controling behaviors when he died.  That is when the Ptsd kicked in. I resumed contact after three years to go back to nc  in 2017 when she told me the revenge (punishment)  she pulled on me with no remorse.  At that time I did not go to Therapy (went all my life on & off)  when I should have,  not knowing the uphill battle ahead.

I landed on this forum in 2016 when I typed «difficult mother» and this is what saved me by reading posts and self help  books.  She is the Ignoring M. I had many red flags throughout life that  she was no good for me and my mental health. 
I also went to a special group/meetings for anxiety.

I didn't feel bad not telling her as I was sure one of my sibs would and I couldn't care less to be honest but Guilt got th best of me because she was a widow. That lasted for several months and it subsided after I had more confidence in myself while doing the work on my healing.

It took me awhile to feel joy and happiness as I was also greiving my past and my sibs avoided me, still enmeshed.  My  sister said «well if you have the money» speaking of my retirement.    thanks sis.

You are now responsible for your own life and your FOC, not your FOO.

How long have you been nc and why does it bother you that she might find out?  If you chose to go nc there is a good reason for it.  None of us took that decision lightly.  Is it because she might show up at your home?   

You don't have to feel bad,  you are not bad  or keeping a secret if you are nc.    Those feelings are deep rooted from our upbringing.

take care,
keep us posted.

[moglow]

Congratulations!! Kinda glad you have time to adjust before the husb joins you, get your feet under you and some [no doubt] much needed time to yourself.

Me: Same, 'cept different - I finally bought my first/own home in November. I'm near 60, terminally single and doing it all on my own, so this is big big BIG for me. Did I share my joy with mommie dearest? Nope. Had I even hinted that I was looking to buy? Also no. Far as I know no one else has told her either and if they do ... meh. She's not been remotely interested in anything having to do with me unless it involves some drama she can dig into [typically during hurricane season since I live in a fairly active area in that regard] - and I mean not in years. A few people have been openly shocked when they asked what mother thinks - "you've not told *your own mother*??? Whyyyyy?" Kinda hard to explain that her opinion whether good or bad, doesn't change a thing for me anymore. I've lived in this city for over 15 years and not once in all that time has she set foot in anywhere I've lived. I have a home finally and I'm way more intent in making it mine than having her tear it/me down.

What I'm saying is - this is GREAT news for you and certainly nothing  to hide! You're already NC, but there's no requirement on any level to announce it to her. To what purpose - have her pee all over it, find fault or try to insert herself in some way, possibly leave you doubting your accomplishments or thinking she plays a part in your retirement? [that's what mine would do!] You're not "keeping it from her" as if it's shameful - you've chosen to not share your life with her. There's a difference. If she questions it "Oh. I didn't even think about it."

Think what you'd tell a dear friend in this situation, and tell that to yourself. Maybe that'll help. 

[daughter]

I've been unannounced (but obvious) NC for 9 years. My oldest young-adult w/Aspergers DS remains in contact w/my enmeshed NF and NBM. I've reconciled myself to fact that info "leaks" to them via DS, and that they use DS to "deliver" info to me.  That said, I'm NC, which means I've learned to accept however info still flows, and to not react as a consequence.  I'd suggest same for you; news of your retirement "is what it is", you don't have ability to control what gets discussed or disclosed by other people to other people, you can just accept it occurs. If someone attempts to hoover you, decline to respond. If NM calls, let it go to VM and don't respond, etc.  With time, and practice, this becomes natural response, and calmness remains.

[Lillith65]

Not only have I retired due to ill health but I have also had open heart surgery and been diagnosed with heart failure.

Being NC with my mother and sister has meant that I haven't had to deal with passive aggression about my retirement and ill health, but I have also avoided the ignoring and minimising of my health problems while they continue to demand that I look after my mother and act as taxi driver for both of them.

I do mourn the idea of having a supportive, loving family but I don't miss the reality of my family of origin.

[feelingandhealing]

Thank you to everyone who has posted. Many comments in the postings really resonated with me. Eg, I do have some fear that one day uNPDM will show up at my home. 

Cat of the Canals, thank you for reminding me and clarifying who is really breaking the boundaries. And yes, I am NC with my uNPDM in order to protect and care for my own emotional being. Informing her that I have retired will not result in her providing me with any support, so why would I tell her?!

Bothar, like you, if I were to inform my uNPDM that I retired, she'd expect me to do her errands and spend most of my days with her. That is not how I wish to spend my retirement. And yes, you have understood the situation correctly. Option 2 is the one that I am now working toward with the assistance of some needed reparenting.

You're not "keeping it from her" as if it's shameful - you've chosen to not share your life with her. There's a difference.

Thank you for drawing this to my attention Moglow! And sincere congrats on purchasing your first/own home!!   

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement, the advice and for getting me to challenge myself on some of my thoughts. You folks are the best. I wish much peace and happiness for you all as we all chart the waters of our healing journeys