I fell for the “emergency” phone call

[Sidney37]

So when you block numbers on my  phone the messages end up in a blocked folder.  I had all of my parents email addresses blocked but one that I thought he didn't use anymore.  My mistake.   

Last week I got the first message ever in the blocked voicemail file and within minutes an email from enD's other email address that I mistakenly didn't block.  The message sounded like there was an urgent situation.  He said I needed to CALL him and expressed that it was very important/necessary thst I call back.  Both of my parents and all of my aunts and uncles are elderly so...  COVID... I thought about it for a few hours and responded by email asking him to tell me what he needed by email.  My old boundary before NC was to communicate only by email. 

A few days have gone by and no response,  I fell for it and I'm so mad at myself.  He has, before when we were VLC, left messages insisting that I call and if I respond by text or email he would lecture me that he told me to call and he didn't tell me to text!  I was a married adult in my 40s!  I told him I would respond however I wanted to.

So now I feel like an addict in a 12 step program who just fell off the wagon.  I feel like my time of NC (over a year with enD and 2 with PDm) was a fail and have to start over.  I feel like I failed and fell for a demand.

How do you convince yourself that you didn't fail when you respond to a message after more than an a year of NC?  I know better now.   I've blocked the other address and won't respond to a blocked voicemail again.  Any advice? 

[Fiasco]

I just tell myself that I'm not cut out to be as manipulative and awful as my PD is, and thank God for that. But it's hard. We shouldn't have to work so hard at this. Hugs.

[Andeza]

These things happen. You didn't fail. All you have to do is carry on from here. No biggie.

It's not like there's some teacher standing over our shoulders grading us on how well we do our NC. And nobody here is gonna judge you.

[wisingup]

Sidney - if it was a true emergency, he would tell you what's going on in the voicemail.  Making you call to find out what's up is pure manipulation.  If you ever correspond again, you might tell him that you won't respond to these kinds of vague demands.

It's so easy for me to say, but I know how hard it is to hold a hard line.  I have fallen for these things so many times & probably will again in the future, even as I am determined not to.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You didn't fall for it. You called his bluff and set your terms. Maybe you wish you had not responded at all, but I say well done you. You put your safety first and yet you are still a caring person. He apparently didn't score what he wanted from you.

[Leonor]

Oh, Sidney, please give yourself permission to be the caring, kind adult that you are.

You're not a failure or a dupe.

You're a kind, caring adult. Your parents and their siblings are aging. There USA global pandemic. Hundreds and thousands of people have fallen I'll, fallen on hard times.

You took your time to decide whether or not you wanted to check in to get information. You decided to do so. You checked in. You got information. And you reset your boundaries.

That's all! That's great. You did good.

[Happypants]

After i read your post, i felt truly angry on your behalf.  It also got me thinking about the times my parents have called, then called again straight after if i didn't pick up, leading me to believe there was something wrong and answering the second time (there was nothing wrong).

I went back and read your post a second time, and to be honest, I think you actually reinforced a boundary.  You still didn't do what they were angling for, but you put the ball back in their court as well as acknowledging your own humanity in light of not knowing whether there truly was an emergency. 

[Cat of the Canals]

You didn't fall for it. You called his bluff and set your terms.

This 100%. And kudos for figuring out that the lack of response is just more games (I told you to call, not email!).

[p123]

Sidney nah you did great not calling. It worked out.... You can't be perfect.

I used to fall for this all the time. FM brother would message  me "call Dad its urgent" I'd reply "whats up?" and he'd reply "just call dad". Yeh nice try.
Never underestimate the lengths they'lll go I found.

[Fortuna]

Ah crud. They do know how to suck us in. My best advice would be to block that email too, but you've already done that. My next best piece of advice would be more about looking at any messages you receive and if you don't choose to delete/not read or hear them, start parsing them for PD phrasing. 

For example, If you have to CALL them but they refuse to say why, can it be that important? If great Aunt Tessie just died they could at the least say there's been a death in the family. If someone's in the hospital, they can say that on the phone message. If it's not important enough to tell you when they call, is it really important enough for you to call them back? There may be events that are important enough to you to break NC, but if they can't even bother telling you what the event is, can it really be that important?

I might also suggest if you have other supportive family members is get your news from them, that way you are still going to know if someone is dead/hurt/getting married without your parents 'emergency' call.

Good luck. I know some day are tougher than others.