Here we go again... PD sister asks me to never talk to her again

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marymackblack

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I was doing pretty well with grey rock. To the point that if I posted on Facebook, I'd only post to friends and leave her off the audience of the post (you can select audience and leave anyone out)  I wanted to make sure she wasn't seeing anything that would trigger her.

I organized my mom's estate sale back in April after she moved to a nursing home, I did this from out of state - hired a good estate sale company. I didn't tell my sister about the dates of the sale, I knew it would come back to haunt me, whether I told her about it or not, there would be criticism. But I rationalized it thinking;  if she really wanted to know about the sale, she would ask for the dates and the info. She did know it was happening before the sale of mom's house.
Now that a few months have gone by, I posted about how grateful I was for three of my best friends who all bought special things at mom's estate sale, so they will live on now in their homes. I posted pictures of the items they bought and thanked them. I forgot to remove her from the post, so she saw it. Within an hour I got an email that said she never wants to speak to me again, or hear from me again in any way.  I have to send her my mom's nurse and Dr reports and forwarded one last night. She replied to please never email her again.. etc. Anyway, I'm so mad at myself for posting that, I'm sure it hurt her feelings terribly that my friends bought some of our things. While everyone else sees how special and kind it was of them, my sister sees it through angry jealous eyes. I am trying to break the cycle of over apologizing to her, so letting this one sit. But it always hurts.

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Bloomie

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Re: Here we go again... PD sister asks me to never talk to her again
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2021, 11:56:13 AM »
marymackblack - I am sorry that a recognition of kindnesses by friends resulted in this latest fall out and cut off from your sister.

I am finding it more and more helpful to remind myself... and so, I am reminding you, that we are dealing with really difficult circumstances as we try to care for our elderly family members with a high conflict sibling.

Some sibling relationships are so broken and filled with distrust that even a bit of fairly neutral info can trigger an extreme emotional reaction. And that is a very tricky way to try and 'share' responsibility for an aging parent. It is a minefield and so stressful.

In life and reasonably caring family relationships, there is room and grace for missteps - if your post was a misstep, and I am not sure it was. What you are dealing with doesn't sound like there is any room for you to be a human being dealing with a lot.

Your friend's thoughtfulness and support was healing for you and you get to celebrate those experiences without buying into a sibling treating it as high offense.

It is honorable to be sensitive to your sister as you share things and at the same time you are not responsible for her emotions when she sees or reads something that prompts strong feelings. It is your sister's side of the street to figure out why she would respond as she did to people you know buying things at an estate sale she knew would be part of your mother's transition to a different living situation.  :blink:

It does always hurt and the jealousy and rivalry and lack of compassionate familial love can really wound. It is wise to let this sit and let her deal with her own stuff.

I'm glad you shared. You are not alone in this kind of fall out from a simple thing. I hope you are able to release this latest back to where it belongs and don't carry it forward.

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LemonLime

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Re: Here we go again... PD sister asks me to never talk to her again
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2021, 01:36:13 PM »
marymackblack -
In life and reasonably caring family relationships, there is room and grace for missteps - if your post was a misstep, and I am not sure it was. What you are dealing with doesn't sound like there is any room for you to be a human being dealing with a lot.




Beautifully said, Bloomie.
My sib sounds so much like yours, marymack.   I've finally realized that my only boundary for her is that she not rage at me.   Her boundary for me is that I not do anything that makes her upset.    :stars:   And of course she will be the judge of what should make her upset.  I'm not allowed to be human.

I have come to realize that although my sib is not nearly as mean as many sibs I hear described on this board, she is dangerous to me.
Because she has such a negative attitude toward me and suspects me of nefarious things that I didn't do and didn't even think of.   She does not hold me in high regard and is suspicious of me.

I have learned that being around someone who is suspicious of me is more than annoying.....it's dangerous.   Because she can defame me if she wants (I don't think she has done this but she could if she gets desperate enough).    She could poison people against me.   Maybe even my kids?   She also still has the power to wound me deeply and take over "real estate" in my head.    Already I have spent so many hours and so much money  with therapists trying to figure her out and make our relationship better.   I've spent a lot of time convincing myself that I am not the bad person she seems to think I am.   And truth be told she is my big sister and there is still a part of me that wants her approval.  I have to constantly tame that part of my brain.

So it's safer to not be around her.  She still has too much power over me.

You didn't do anything wrong, but your sister wants you to think you did.   It's a pathetic power grab.   I'm glad you are not over-apologizing to her, and I'm glad you are taking care of you.     What your sister doesn't know and would never admit anyway is that you are doing her a big favor by setting boundaries.  The work you have done on yourself benefits her too.   She may surround herself with yes-men, but the person who is offering her a chance to grow is you.   You are a good sister. :bighug:
« Last Edit: June 16, 2021, 01:47:01 PM by LemonLime »

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Sheppane

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Re: Here we go again... PD sister asks me to never talk to her again
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2021, 04:33:51 PM »
"  you are not responsible for her emotions when she sees or reads something that prompts strong feelings. It is your sister's side of the street to figure out why she would respond as she did to people you know buying things at an estate sale she knew would be part of your mother's transition to a different living situation.  :blink:

Yes. I often need reminding that I am not responsible for the feelings of others. If your sister has strong feelings,  she is an adult and it is her responsibility to manage those feelings  . Just because she has strong feelings doesn't mean someone else is at fault.

And even if I do misstep or slip up from time to time,  as every human does ( and I'm not suggesting you did ) , that's still OK. It is the disproportionate strong reactions that can be so painful and triggering.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Over apologising to keep the peace is very familiar to me and it sounds like you are choosing not to do that anymore. You have every right to keep yourself safe in this relationship. You say you are letting this one sit. That IMO is a real act of courage and bravery and kindness to yourself.

I often find I get relief when I truly realise I have done nothing wrong, because the PD will always point the finger or relay that message in overt or covert ways. Growing up in FOG means we can automatic assume without question they are right,  or at least feel the need to " resolve". She can feel how she feels about it - it still doesn't mean you have done anything wrong - even if she thinks/ says so!!  What she thinks is just that- what she thinks.

Sounds like you are taking care of you which is awesome  :)