Actually telling them that your relationship is over...

[SnugglyHedgehog]

Hi everyone,

I asked a similar question a while back now but circumstances have changed and really feel like I need some support on the best way forward.

Quick bit of background...

Confronted uNM about her treatment of me over 3 years ago.
Went completely NC after reaction until the end of last year when legal issues had to be sorted (she part owned my house, this has now been dealt with).
My grandad died in February and I saw her for the first time in a long time.

Basically...I went NC almost 3 years ago but never told her. I didn't see a need to to be honest. But she would still message, etc now and again which went ignored.

We had minimal contact since the end of last year dealing with legal paperwork and a family death. I still ignored attempts at contact inbetween and protected myself as much as I could.

My partner strongly feels that I need to tell her this is over...she is absolutely delusional to be honest. She now...after 3 years has brought up looking at therapy for us the last time I heard from her...that's just never going to happen. This was following the only phonecall I've had with her in years. Where I got the angry side. She was absolutely disgusting towards me. I have answered nothing since.

We are currently expecting a baby and it has brought my stress to the surface again because I know if she shows up here after the birth it will leave me stressed out. She has been asked before not to show up but has no intention of listening to me. I really feel like this needs dealt with beforehand but I'm unsure on what to do. If it was up to me I would just go NC again and block her number. But as I said before my partner thinks I need to actually spell it out for her when she is still suggesting things like therapy and I do see where he is coming from and worried that me feeling the way I do is more to do with avoiding conflict.

When baby arrives it is already going to be difficult. I have no idea who to even tell or anything like that and want to make a plan beforehand because all of this stuff is just not something I want to think about.

So my questions just now I guess are...

Has anyone told them they are going NC and the relationship is over?
What was the reaction?
Do you think I tell her about the birth myself so that I am in control? (This is not what I want but is the opinion of other friends and family.)

Any experiences, thoughts on how to navigate this would be appreciated.

Just to also be clear...our relationship is completely irreparable, I do not want to go to therapy where she can use them to bully me further, she continues to blame me for all of this and sees no issue in her treatment of me. I am 100% secure and if anything relieved with the decision of NC. It has allowed me to heal mentally and be a better person and I will in no way allow that toxicity back into our lives. NC did temporarily change due to circumstances but that is all now finalised and there are no longer any ties between us.

SH

[engineer31]

Hi Snuggly! First, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I am in a similar situation to you. My MIL is suspected uNPD or uBPD and I've been NC with her since October. I broke once about 3 months in to send her a picture of the kids and then back in April thinking it had been long enough that she would act civilly towards me (wishful thinking bc it didn't happen, she used her same techniques like usual). My H has been avoiding the conflict, like you, and just ignoring the messages even though he told me he knows he needs to just tell them we're done because from what we have heard from other family members, I don't want to repair anything and my H is still hopeful that they will apologize which I don't think is going to happen (at least not sincerely).

From what you stated, you don't want to have any relationship with her, but she continues to ignore the unspoken boundaries you are placing. If you are afraid of her just showing up, I would tell her that you have no intention on continuing the relationship and possibly add consequences if she continues to ignore your boundaries. We, too, are worried that his parents might show up at our house in about a month bc we heard from family that they are planning a trip out our way but haven't told us yet. My H has said himself that if they just show up he will tell them to leave and if they don't, he will call the cops. I understand how your family is saying to tell your M when the baby is born so you have control, but you stated you don't want to tell her and guess what? You still have control! You not telling your mom when the baby is born, IS YOUR CONTROL. If YOU don't want to tell your mom, I highly suggest listening to YOURSELF.

As far as reactions go, there is no telling how a N might react. My MIL puts on a front around other family members but does all the typical narcistic tendencies when it's just me. She plays victim CONSTANTLY. She CANNOT empathize. My H suggested that we all sit down with our pastor, because she is also "Christian" and he thinks she will listen to him, however I have told him that she will put on a front and lie to us, just to get back in our lives, because that is what she does. She looks for attention anyway she can and makes a huge scene, yelling whenever you don't agree and stand up for yourself. I say all this to tell you that we can't control other peoples actions and reactions. We can only control what we say do. Do what will give YOU peace. 

[Cat of the Canals]

She has been asked before not to show up but has no intention of listening to me. I really feel like this needs dealt with beforehand but I'm unsure on what to do. If it was up to me I would just go NC again and block her number. But as I said before my partner thinks I need to actually spell it out for her when she is still suggesting things like therapy and I do see where he is coming from and worried that me feeling the way I do is more to do with avoiding conflict.

I think you have your answer here. Why would she respect a stated NC boundary when she doesn't respect any other boundaries? And so what if you're avoiding conflict? With a lot of PDs, the entire relationship is nothing but conflict... so isn't avoiding conflict the entire point of NC, in a way? You're expecting a child. The last thing you need right now is to try to sort out your mother's issues. If she's decided she wants therapy, then best of luck to her. I don't see how that has anything to do with you.

And to be blunt, it isn't really anyone else's business what and how you tell your mother. Your partner and other family and friends are used to dealing with non-PDs or with going along with the dysfunction so as to not rock the boat. This is between you and your mother, and you are the one that dictates the boundaries of the relationship. Anyone else's opinion frankly doesn't matter.

However, if you feel that telling her the relationship is over will relieve some of your doubt, I'd do so by letter or email. That way you get to say what you want to say and close the door on it. I would not tell her about your pregnancy unless you WANT to. That is private information, and she is not entitled to it, in any way.

And then if she shows up at your home, have a game plan in place that you've discussed with your partner. I.E. Keeping the door locked at all times. Not letting her in, even if she stands there knocking for 20 minutes saying, "I know you're in there!"

PDs love to use the rules of "politeness" against us. We hate feeling "rude" by not playing along. But here's the thing: it's beyond rude to show up at someone's house unexpected when you've been asked not to. It's deeply disrespectful. Don't play along. Protect yourself and your FOC.

[Hattie]

It sounds like hubby is well intentioned but hasn't really grasped the likely consequences of you spelling out your no contact policy to her. She will likely respond by complaining and initiating more contact.

[Dandelion]

I understand how your family is saying to tell your M when the baby is born so you have control, but you stated you don't want to tell her and guess what? You still have control! You not telling your mom when the baby is born, IS YOUR CONTROL. If YOU don't want to tell your mom, I highly suggest listening to YOURSELF

^ this.  take your time and find how you want to proceed.  Looking back my own NM was weird about my son being born (I was completely ignored of course).  She showed him off to a couple of friends but had little other involvement or interest, and had a very strange reaction when I told her he'd been born (she knew about it and was expecting it). 

Anyway, as stated, you are the one in control here.  Do what suits you at every turn.  If that means maintaining NC you can do that, or WHATEVER it is you choose to do, you have the freedom to decide.  Focusing on you and the birth of your baby paramount now anyway, and good luck :-).

[Fiasco]

Cat nailed it, every word. Don't tell her you're NC. Don't tell her about your baby (congratulations!). Don't let her in or engage in any way (except maybe to call the police if she won't go away) if she shows up. And don't let anyone feed you any nonsense about how babies and children need grandparents. Poop on that.

[Leonor]

 

To like all of the above.

Cat's post is brilliant.

Right now is all about *you* and *your* baby and *your* little family.

Time to turn inward, and nurture, and protect.

It's frustrating when our partner presses us to interact with unsafe people, but perhaps he's feeling protective and thinks that if you say something, she'll leave you alone (she won't.)

Dudes feel a little helpless when their partner is expecting. Give him a task, like "would you help me put in this car seat?" or "Can you help me putting the crib together?" or "If she shows up, would you back me up?" or even "...answer the door?"

You can also tell the hospital staff who is absolutely not allowed to enter the maternity ward. They get it and are great about it. The nurses and midwives are very protective of their new mommies!

[SnugglyHedgehog]

Thank you so much for all of your replies, reassurance, validation and sharing your stories.

I have been feeling quite conflicted and struggling to process my thoughts which is why I made this post to see if it could help me work out how I was feeling.

Pointing out that me deciding not to tell NM about the baby arriving is still me being in control has really helped my mental space right now, so thank you so much for that! I honestly hadn't looked at it like that and I will hold on to that knowledge going forward now.

You are also 100% correct that I technically answered my question myself and that even if I message her to say I want no contact, she will still do whatever she likes, when she likes. Why open myself up to more abuse if I don't need to?!

I do just want to say I hope me saying about my partner didn't come over harsh. He has been such a massive support through my whole journey with this and has been by my side looking after me as much as he could the whole way along. He would always support what I felt I needed to do with this. I think he felt that in me telling her the relationship was over, that would hopefully put her in her place and take the stress of her contacting me or showing up away to help me in the long run. He doesn't completely get it, he can't because he hasn't been here. But his eyes have been opened to parts of it now he has seen her in action. He just doesn't see the other side that we do and what that could potentially cause.

Contact with my kids...absolutely not going to happen. NM won't meet the baby. I stopped her contact with my other child when I went NC. If I don't trust her with me and my mental health, I absolutely do not trust her with theirs. I know they would also be used as a weapon and I just couldn't put them in the toxic situation that I was in. I know some people feel able to set boundaries with that and do still allow it, this is just my opinion based on my experience.

Today has helped me order my thoughts a bit through hearing from other people and I've made some decisions that right now I feel content with.

1- I am not going to initiate contact to tell her I want NC. That seems a bit backwards. It has been over two months since any attempted contact. I will draft a message and if/when she does message me again, I will then be clear with her before blocking her number and that toxicity from my life.

2- I am absolutely not telling her about the baby and will not waste even a second worrying about her feelings or reaction.

3- Something I didn't actually touch on in my post is that I have been struggling with how to deal with enabling family members when baby comes. Specifically a grandparent and my brother. I didn't expect to reach this conclusion today but I actually don't think I'm going to tell any of them. It's been 3 years and they have never been there for me since this all kicked off. I don't owe them anything, I have tried to keep the door open for them but really they closed that door on me a long time ago. They don't do me the decency of letting me know of illness or family deaths...why do I feel it is their right to have this information from me when they have decided to no longer be a part of my life?!
This is a really massive step for me. But it feels right now. I honestly can't say I didn't try.

I really just needed to form a plan in my head to stop my thoughts running and I feel like I have done that now.

Thank you so much for all of your help getting there. SH

[Cat of the Canals]

I do just want to say I hope me saying about my partner didn't come over harsh. He has been such a massive support through my whole journey with this and has been by my side looking after me as much as he could the whole way along. He would always support what I felt I needed to do with this. I think he felt that in me telling her the relationship was over, that would hopefully put her in her place and take the stress of her contacting me or showing up away to help me in the long run. He doesn't completely get it, he can't because he hasn't been here. But his eyes have been opened to parts of it now he has seen her in action. He just doesn't see the other side that we do and what that could potentially cause.

I don't think it sounded harsh, and I'm sure his advice is coming from a good place. And in dealing with a non-PD, it probably would be the healthy/respectful route to explain to them that you are ending the relationship. But a lot of boundary advice that works on nons absolutely does NOT work on PDs. Case in point: asking them not to show up at your home. If someone asked me not to do that, I'd say, "Of course!" Why would I want to show up where I'm unwanted or inconveniencing someone??? I'd be mortified to do that, honestly. But most PDs are like toddlers. They'll do exactly what you've asked them not to, just to prove you can't control them. Maddening.

In any case, it sounds like your intuition has been telling you all along the best way to handle all of this. It's the outside voices causing doubt. Shut them out and listen to your gut.