My biggest feat

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Associate of Daniel

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My biggest feat
« on: June 19, 2021, 11:08:56 AM »
...is that uNPD exH and his uNPD wife will move interstate or overseas, taking ds14 with them.

There has been no word about it but like everything else, I suspect it's been in their (or rather, her) planning for many years.

It will be to follow her career. But in reality it will be part of her extended plan to isolate her husband (my uNPD ex) and to alienate ds from me and all of his extended family. He already doesn't see his father's family due to her destroying his relationship with them.

I am tempted to get in first and say something to ds about my fear.

Do you think I should?

And what can/should I do legally to prepare for it?

AOD

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athene1399

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2021, 03:28:04 PM »
I donít have any experience with this, so I canít offer advice aside from suggesting you maybe checking with a lawyer to see what your rights are. I would think you would have to agree to a move like that, but am not sure.

What gives you the fear that this may happen? Has Nsm said things here and there? Or is it more like a nagging suspicion?

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mamato3

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2021, 05:43:30 PM »
He only got custody because you agreed under specific terms. You don't have to allow him to move if this happens, and I feel like chances are good he wouldn't want to leave you and his friends...

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Rose1

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2021, 01:22:02 AM »
This might be one you could get some advice on,  although as your son gets older the courts are less likely to refuse a move. Of course being who they are, they probably won't say anything and just do it because they are so special.

I would suggest continuing with your strong relationship with your son. Its just as possible he would want to move back. Let him know the door is always open and that if he wants to return  he is welcome.  I'm sure he knows that.

Its likely they won't do anything while he is still at school surely. If  that's the case he will be 18 and they will have no legal hold in him, just fog.

Maybe talk to your son about post school options available in your city. He may find something he really wants to do close to home.

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hhaw

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2021, 10:28:48 AM »
AOD:

It's likely your ds is aware it's wrong to move away from you....to have zero contact with extended paternal family.

It's likely he's doing his best to appease sm and your ex, bc he understands their love and support us conditional....he likely knows yours is unconditional.  You'll love him no matter what.  Always and forever.

I agree with Rose.  Let DS know you'll always be there for him. 

I might calmly and without judgment let him know you don't agree with moving a child away from supportive, loving family.....that you would never consider it.  You believe a child's access to both parents....that both parents should be supported to be the best parents they can be.

If the move comes..... you'll deal with it, just as you always have.

It's likely DS will allow pressure from ex to force a choice he'd rather not make....but then..... you're the safe parent he doesn't need to worry about.

You'll always be that.  SM can't ever replace you or snuff that relationship out.  You have the real maternal bond.  She works so hard to distance you, bc she's controlling and threatened.

How you respond to your circumstances, rather than react, is an amazing choice you'll model for your son.

Strength under fire, healthy coping strategies, the ability to keep your life on track for yourself....and DS.....all of that stretches out before you if you can see the entire field....not just SM and possible move.....nose on that sm pebble, fearing what might or might not come.  Letting her push you into a tight, fearful ball of panic would be losing perspective, imo.  Might negatively impact your relationship with your son.

I think you'll do what I've always respected about you....handle parenting with a long view.  Mitigating harm to your son.  Buffering where you can.  Loving him to the best of your ability, always.

I hope you're building the life you want to share with your grown son.  He's going to adult and go his own way sooner or later.

What do you want that to look like?  Go ahead and dream.













hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2021, 08:25:22 PM »
My ex filed for, and got, a court order stating I could not move away with the children without his permission.
Is that something you can file for where you live?
In my part of the world it is often included in separation agreements, divorces, custody agreements that a parent / parents may not move away with the child / children without the other parent's express consent.

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athene1399

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2021, 01:49:52 PM »
I forgot about that, Beautiful Crazy. BpdBM did have a stipulation in their custody agreement stating that SO couldnít move out of the school district where SD went to school. Maybe you can add something similar to your custody agreement.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2021, 04:05:31 AM »
Thanks, everyone.

My fear is based simply on past behaviours of uNPD exH and his uNPD wife.

When I look back over the last nearly 9 years since he left, and even throughout our marriage, I can see how it was all planned out.

She is isolating him. His relationship with me was destroyed. His relationship with his parents is destroyed.

My guess is she'll get a job interstate or overseas and he'll move with her.

They'll manage to sell the idea to ds14, who still buys into their thinking.

Anyway, our court orders don't say that they can't move interstate/overseas but they do state ds14 can't be taken interstate for more than 3(?) weeks or overseas for any length of time without the other parent's permission.

But that won't stop them applying for it.  And if ds says he wants to go, I won't have a leg to stand on. The court will decree that he goes.

It was that way when they convinced him to move in with them and change schools.

I feel sick at the thought.

I thought just this afternoon that I perhaps need to redefine my definition of motherhood.

I don't really feel like a mother to ds anymore.

We have a good relationship but I don't get to do any mother type things anymore and I don't hear about them from uNPD exH either.

Eg:  medical decisions/appointments, school etc.

It's devastating.  I became an empty nester when my boy had only just turned 13.  That's not the way it's supposed to be.

And no partner. To use an expression I don't like.. it sucks.

AOD

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2021, 06:40:15 PM »
From what I understand, If you have reason to believe it is a possibility, you can apply for an emergency order most places.

My boys are around that age. My heart just breaks for you AofD. :'(

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square

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2021, 06:47:17 PM »
Yeah, me too.

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hhaw

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2021, 03:11:02 PM »
Try to keep your head where your feet are, AOD.

You're still a mother.  You're son is still nearby.

Kids are supposed to separate from us, even under the best circumstances... it's normal.

Try not to let sm get inside your head.  Plan lovely visits with son.  Sounds like you get to do the fun stuff now.  What would it mean for all the school and medical stuff to be out of your hands....assuming DS us healthy and doing well in school,?

Maybe you'll see what it feels like to play the weekend warrior parent....all fun and games. What would that mean to you?

I do understand your struggle.  Don't think I don't, but focus on what you control might help, ime.

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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sevenyears

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Re: My biggest feat
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2021, 04:32:19 PM »
AOD - I understand your concerns. As someone who could have moved to back my homeland or even another country, but stayed put in a foreign country for my kids, I have some insights:

Legal: what is the law in your country? What is the precedent for moving interstate/oversees with children your son's age? What exactly does your parenting agreement/order say? Are there loopholes to be exploited in favor of moving or against it in your agreement?

Personal: Your son moved to his father's with the expectation to go to a specific school. How would he feel about changing schools after a couple of years? Is he adventuresome or would he be out of his element in a different city, country?

And, if the "worst" comes to pass and your son moves somewhere else, could/would you be able to visit him there? How would you be able to stay in regular contact? Could he come back to visit you over holidays? Summer vacation? Could a move be on a trial basis, like a one year exchange program? How would you handle the adaptation phases when you and he visit (like when a kid comes home from college)? And, if he got there and found out he didn't like living somewhere else, could he return? Would you feel the same about a move if your son were moving in with an uncle for example, or going on an exchange program? (In my case, I would be beside myself if my kids moved away with my EX, mostly because he is angry and aggressive. However, if they went to live with my relatives or on a reputable exchange program, I would miss them dearly but encourage them to go!)

I wrote "worst" because maybe moving isn't the worst case scenario. It gives you an opportunity to support him so he could spread his wings and discover new horizons. That in itself is precious and many children don't have such an opportunity. And, you've managed to do that once already. You're a good parent and will figure out how to do what's best for your child - even when it's hard.

As for saying something to DS, I wouldn't recommend it. Then you become the bad guy always saying no, even when there isn't anything to say no to. Maybe instead you could ask indirectly, for example, whether he's ever dreamt of living in another city? Would he like it? Why or why not? Does he want to travel the world someday? If he could go anywhere (short trip or extended stay), where would it be? What would living in city X or country Z when he is grown up be like? I think having a "what if" conversation with lots of questions and listening to him, and telling him your dreams (less about your fears) will tell you a lot about his state of mind, and help assuage some of your worries. And, of course, you make it clear that your arms are always open and that you would miss him dearly (but not make him feel guilty!)!