Separated, Shock and No Contact

[Sammieliz]

Hi all
I've recently (one month ago)  gone no contact with my Boarderline partner after getting back together 3x. He received the diagnosis after we split the first time in January. So I'm pretty new all this.

Now that we are 100% no contact I feel like I've finally "come up for air" and I'm finally starting to understand his condition and it impact. I'm happy to be away from him with not intent on ever going back, but It's almost disorienting. Im learning to handle the intense loneliness that comes at night but I have so many questions I know I'll never get answers too Like did he truly love me or did he just want to own/ possess me? Was the relationship and love only real to me? Was the commitment of engagement something he was actually happy about or was it manipulation to keep me? He lied about so much, did he lie about his feelings for me?   Was I a target or mark to him? Can anyone relate or normalize this? From what I gathered it could be because the relationship was so intense?
He is now parading other women around our small town. I was hurt he moved on so fast, but I know it's for the best. I can't help think at times  that our whole 2 year relationship was a lie.
And I'm still trying to figure out how the heck I got here. I'm a pretty confident woman. I've held on desperately to my career, friends, and family and a few hobbies (which all caused problems isn't he relationship before our first breakup). I know I'm very empathetic and with my career in the medical field I'm use to trying to "save" people so I'm owning that and trying to forgive myself for allowing and not having boundaries. I just can't shake that he is always on my mind and that that sense of loss and difficultly trusting my own judgement with people now. Any thoughts, advice

[Simon]

Hi Sammie.
Welcome.

I'd be glad to break it down for you, as a lot of what you say resonates with me personally.
I'm sure others will be along shortly to welcome you and advise you too.

Now that we are 100% no contact I feel like I've finally "come up for air" and I'm finally starting to understand his condition and it impact. I'm happy to be away from him with not intent on ever going back, but It's almost disorienting. Im learning to handle the intense loneliness that comes at night.....

Yes. The first morning I woke up in my own bed without my BPD ex gf, I stretched out my arms and legs and sighed a big relief.
It really did feel good, but unfortunately, that feeling was short-lived.
Like you, I suddenly found myself feeling lonely at night, even though I didn't want to be with her.
And it's not just because you're used to them being around.
Because of the abuse, you're trauma bonded, addicted to them, to the extreme highs and lows they brought, even though it's very damaging to you.
It does wear off over time, as long as you stay 100% no contact, which means no checking social media, blocking all avenues of contact, etc.

....but I have so many questions I know I'll never get answers too Like did he truly love me or did he just want to own/ possess me? Was the relationship and love only real to me? Was the commitment of engagement something he was actually happy about or was it manipulation to keep me? He lied about so much, did he lie about his feelings for me?   Was I a target or mark to him? Can anyone relate or normalize this? From what I gathered it could be because the relationship was so intense?

The answer to these depends on how narcissistic they are.
All Borderlines are on the Narcissistic spectrum, so it depends on how much they qualify for NPD as well as BPD (it's quite common for them to have more than one PD. Mine qualified for both).
So, a Borderline will sort of Love you, although it's not Love, it's their intense need and infatuation that they mistake for Love, but they're not being malicious.
If they're very Narcissistic though, then there's a chance they knew what they were doing, and only saw you as someone to use.
There's no real way of knowing, because asking them wouldn't be any use (they'd just lie).
So only they know for sure.

It's the same for the commitment.
There's a lot of talk of future faking for Borderlines, but if they're not very Narcissistic, then they are probably being as genuine as they can be about their future with you, that is, they believe themselves.
However, once the Borderline splits (sees you as all bad, instead of all good like they did), then they will become very Narcissistic, manipulating you, berating you, devaluing you, lying and cheating, and grooming someone to replace you.
A lot of this is down to their fear of being abandoned, and they're in survival mode, so anything goes (to them, their entire existence is at risk), but it's a grey area as to how much awareness they have at this stage.
My personal experience with a BPD partner has shown me that they seem to have some awareness as to what they are doing, regardless of where they are on the spectrum, which is unforgivable.

In short (too late  ), in the first stage, when they think you are the best thing ever, a Borderlines generally believe they Love you and want to have a future with you, but...

He is now parading other women around our small town. I was hurt he moved on so fast, but I know it's for the best. I can't help think at times  that our whole 2 year relationship was a lie.

...as the quote above proves, once they split on you, and you are the villain in their eyes, you no longer count.
Out of sight, out of mind.
That's how they can move on so quickly.
Anyone that's with a BPD or a Narc will one day experience this when they end the relationship for good.

The lack of Object Constancy that BPD and Narcs have mean they can be with someone for 20 years, finish with them, and the next day be with someone else, in the same places as they were with you, and feel no guilt, empathy or remorse at all.
It's not an act, it's completely genuine, and is part of the Cluster B pathology.
They remember being with you, meaning they have the memory, but there is no emotional connection to that memory, so they feel nothing about being there with someone else.

We would remember good times in certain places with them, and feel a little sad or guilty, but they won't.
They can't. It's just not possible with their mental illness, and we can't change that.
I know how painful that is to accept, but it is the truth.
It's something you have to get past.
But you will.

Here's a link to a YouTube video that explains a bit about the lack of Object Constancy with BPD/NPD, among other things.
Hope it helps.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uunT2JV5EtM

And I'm still trying to figure out how the heck I got here. I'm a pretty confident woman...... I know I'm very empathetic.....and trying to forgive myself for allowing and not having boundaries. I just can't shake that he is always on my mind and that that sense of loss and difficultly trusting my own judgement with people now. Any thoughts, advice

Yep.
I'm a very confident, independent man, who loves life, and just likes to enjoy it.

I too wondered how I got here, and how I let someone dupe me and manipulate me like she did.
Anyone who knows me would tell you that people don't take advantage of my good nature, even in intimate relationships, because I'd see it coming a mile off, and would nip it in the bud, but with her I didn't see it coming at all.
They are very good at what they do, whether it's consciously or sub-consciously, because it's how they had to behave to survive their whole lives.
They've picked up a lot of good tricks over the years, and they're always learning new ones with each relationship.

And the shame of allowing it to happen, as well as embarrassment, does sting for a while.
But it does fade.
You come to realise that you are not dealing with a normal, rational person here.
You're dealing with someone who has a severe mental disability, and it was never going to end well.
The more this gradually sinks in, the more the sense of loss fades too.
You realise that what you thought you had was never real, so you never really lost anything.
As painful as that is, it's also a life lesson.

As for trusting your judgement of other people now, you will be more careful, sure.
But that's a good thing.
The knowledge that you have learnt in the last month, and all the knowledge that you will learn in the coming months will serve you for the rest of your life.
You will learn to set boundaries, be resolute about keeping them intact, and be aware of the red flags that pop up when you encounter another Cluster B.
You will be a stronger, better version of yourself for the painful experience, and people will have to earn your trust.

It will take a little while, but it sounds like you are strong, and already on the right path.
Can't stress enough about the No Contact.
Block all social media, and all avenues of contact.
It will only make the pain worse and put you back to square one if you allow them to have any contact with you.

Good luck!