Same old thing - over and over

[SunnyMeadow]

Just a vent I guess. No real point but maybe to have a record of these things. I have read many of my old posts and it's shocking to remember the incidents and uproar my uNPD mother causes year after year.

Her latest is how unhappy she is. Poor me, when will I be happy? The thing is, life isn't a big pile of constant happiness. It's life and we all do what we can to get through it. I'm not waiting for the happiness fairy to show up and cast a spell over me and my life. She's also been saying how much so and so (former friend) talks to her children, they call all the time or how many times she communicated with her relatives. A dig at me that I need to step up.  And I know for certain that what she told me is a lie. She disliked her close relatives and most definitely didn't talk to them often.

There is no way I could talk to her the amount of time that she mentions. What in the hell would we talk about constantly? HER! What a snooze fest. I have many important and favorite people in my life and I don't talk to them often. It's not realistic and after a certain amount of discussion, what would we talk about in two more days? How she went grocery shopping or I explain how I mop my floor?

It's too bad she doesn't see that it's all her and make some changes. No one wants to be around her. If she isn't going on about politics, it's non-stop medical issues or mean gossip. She let it slip to me that her other child is her favorite. I mean, wow, what a thing to say to your child. It's gross. I really started pulling back from her even more when I heard that.

Unfortunately I was with her recently and had to spend the time medium chilling, gray rocking, nodding my head and changing the subject. She very unappealing and yet I still have this stupid guilt thing to contact her from time to time. Ugh, just feeling stressed and angry and wanted to write it down.

Do you think NPD people realize they cause the strife in their lives? To me it seems like my mother feels it's everyone else doing harm to her. But there have been some small comments how she feels guilty about this person or that person. I didn't encourage further discussion on the topic so I don't know if it's a sympathy grab or she could feel some responsibility.

Some days I feel so strong when I deal with her and other days she causes me anxiety. She is exhausting and maddening. I'm a middle age woman and it really stinks to deal with this type of relationship with my MOTHER! Too many decades of this crap.

[lkdrymom]

Next time she says this, ask her what SHE plans on doing to fix it. She is hinting that you need to do something.  Let her know you are on to her and you are not the solution to her happiness.

[Boat Babe]

At one point with my mother, she was so predictable and so repetitive I mused with typing up small cards and laminating them. Then when she said something that was sure to annoy me, I would just pull out the card!

Of course I never did do that and it would have been cruel, but I came close to it!

Our PD parents are, at best, a right royal pain in the arse and at worst, well ...............

[Cat of the Canals]

Do you think NPD people realize they cause the strife in their lives?

Nope. Like you said, they use that negativity as yet MORE resources. "Poor pitiful me! Everyone is so cruel to me!" If they blame themselves, it's only in waif format: "I'm so pathetic, and I know everyone hates me." The subtext here being that everyone has to come tell them how NOT pathetic they are and how everyone LOVES them. Again, more resources.

Their entitlement knows no bounds.

For years I talked to PDmom about once a week. All I heard from her was flack for not answering every single time she called. All I heard from my flying monkey relatives was how I needed to call her more often. This was before I was Out of the FOG, so I did the doormat, people-pleaser thing and started calling her like clockwork at least once a week, if not more. Did she stop complaining that I wasn't constantly available? Did the flying monkeys stop delivering their messages that I needed to do MORE? No. That was when I finally realized it was all a crock. I would never be able to do "enough" to satisfy her. She is a bottomless pit.

She gets one phone call a month now. I set a timer for 20 minutes and then, "I have to go... the dog needs to be taken out!" I have the Medium Chill guide from the resources printed out and taped to my fridge so I can glance at it and choose the most appropriate response when she's complaining about her arch nemesis (the neighbor) or giving me a lecture on the last documentary she watched. "That's nice/That's too bad."

[Andeza]

If they blame themselves, it's only in waif format: "I'm so pathetic, and I know everyone hates me." The subtext here being that everyone has to come tell them how NOT pathetic they are and how everyone LOVES them.

I found out once what happens when you don't immediately reassure them after their self-flagellation. All hell breaks loose.

[SunnyMeadow]

Next time she says this, ask her what SHE plans on doing to fix it. She is hinting that you need to do something.  Let her know you are on to her and you are not the solution to her happiness.

Good point! During the rolling of my eyes at her comment I didn't realize this. But yes, it makes perfect sense that someone else should work to fix her happiness.

At one point with my mother, she was so predictable and so repetitive I mused with typing up small cards and laminating them. Then when she said something that was sure to annoy me, I would just pull out the card!

Of course I never did do that and it would have been cruel, but I came close to it!

Our PD parents are, at best, a right royal pain in the arse and at worst, well ............... 

lol! Isn't that the truth, perfect description - Royal pains in the arse!

[doglady]

I definitely think they realise there is strife. They just don't acknowledge that they have any part in it let alone causing it.
My own uPDm loves strife, aka drama. She revels in it. In her own mind she never causes it though. It's always someone else's fault.
The thing is, she actually causes an awful lot of it. And her willing enablers and flying monkeys play along. Although I live in the same small community, I don't hear a lot about it these days, because I don't play anymore. Life's too short.

[SunnyMeadow]

Do you think NPD people realize they cause the strife in their lives?

Nope. Like you said, they use that negativity as yet MORE resources. "Poor pitiful me! Everyone is so cruel to me!" If they blame themselves, it's only in waif format: "I'm so pathetic, and I know everyone hates me." The subtext here being that everyone has to come tell them how NOT pathetic they are and how everyone LOVES them. Again, more resources.

She gets one phone call a month now. I set a timer for 20 minutes and then, "I have to go... the dog needs to be taken out!"

Aren't they seriously exhausting?! So many games we need to be aware of. I like that you're only calling once a month and for 20 minutes. That's a do-able amount of time to listen to her.

If they blame themselves, it's only in waif format: "I'm so pathetic, and I know everyone hates me." The subtext here being that everyone has to come tell them how NOT pathetic they are and how everyone LOVES them.

I found out once what happens when you don't immediately reassure them after their self-flagellation. All hell breaks loose.

I've had this experience too. Sniveling and crying, the whole performance. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I definitely think they realise there is strife. They just don't acknowledge that they have any part in it let alone causing it.
My own uPDm loves strife, aka drama. She revels in it. In her own mind she never causes it though. It's always someone else's fault.
The thing is, she actually causes an awful lot of it. And her willing enablers and flying monkeys play along. Although I live in the same small community, I don't hear a lot about it these days, because I don't play anymore. Life's too short.

Life is absolutely too short to play their games. I'm doing better but there are times I get sucked back into it. I really wish my mother had some idea of her part in all this mess but like you wrote "they just don't acknowledge that they have any part in it let alone causing it". Such a disordered way to look at what has gone on.

[Sneezy]

Do you think NPD people realize they cause the strife in their lives?

Not one bit.  Everything is someone else's fault.  And even when she appears to take responsibility, it's really a bid for more attention.  That's your cue to jump in and tell her that it's not her fault and she is really a good person and everyone loves her.

Reading these posts is like reading a description of my mother.  If I need a shorthand description of my mom, I say she is a black hole of despair. 

Mom is miserable, lonely, bored, etc. etc. etc.  And it is all someone else's fault.  She also lies and confabulates and manipulates.  And as she gets older, the lies and confabulations get wilder and crazier.  But if I call her on any of it, well, I just proved her point that everyone is mean to her, including me.

So what to do?  I agree that medium chill and grey rock and boundaries are exhausting.  But I haven't figured out any alternative, other than NC, which I'm not ready for.  Someone with NPD isn't going to change.  That's been the hardest part for me to deal with.  In my mind, I think I see boundaries and medium chill as a "solution." But they're not.  They aren't going to make my mom any less of a narcissist.  The strategies are to help me, not to change her.  She is never going to change, no matter what.  And that is the hardest part to understand.  I keep thinking that sooner or later, mom will catch on.  It's just logical - if I don't react to X, then she won't do X any more, right?  But that is not how a personality disorder works.  Their brains are wired differently.  It's like dealing with an alien from another planet.

[SunnyMeadow]

But that is not how a personality disorder works.  Their brains are wired differently.  It's like dealing with an alien from another planet.

I think I need a wall plaque with this on it to remind me I'm not dealing with someone logical and normal. I keep forgetting because....she's my mom and not supposed to act like this.

Thanks for all for your thoughts and wisdom.

[Boat Babe]

My mother from another planet.  Hahahahaha 🤪

[Sneezy]

My mother from another planet.  Hahahahaha 🤪

I just got home from Mom's Planet - what a day!  Mom is a bit of a hoarder and her closet and dressers are stuffed.  She also has clothes racks over every door (so you have no privacy in the bathroom because the door won't shut).  And clothes hanging from the shower rod.  And according to Mom, this is all my fault because she has been begging me to come over and help her organize (not at all true, she won't let me organize or get rid of anything).

Five minutes after crying and telling me that it's my fault that she has too many clothes, she asked me to take her to Target to buy some new clothes.  When I said no, she didn't need any clothes plus I had to get back to work, she started crying and ranting that she has NOTHING to wear and it's all my fault because I don't care enough to take her shopping for clothes.

Planet Mom - where it can simultaneously be my fault that she has too many clothes and nothing to wear 

[Boat Babe]

Truly a different dimension. Hugs Sneezy.

[SunnyMeadow]

Five minutes after crying and telling me that it's my fault that she has too many clothes, she asked me to take her to Target to buy some new clothes.

All I can say is - wow!                   

[p123]

At one point with my mother, she was so predictable and so repetitive I mused with typing up small cards and laminating them. Then when she said something that was sure to annoy me, I would just pull out the card!

Of course I never did do that and it would have been cruel, but I came close to it!

Our PD parents are, at best, a right royal pain in the arse and at worst, well ...............

I hear you - I can predict every conversation with Dad.

Generally starts off
"Hi Dad"
"I've been really ill"

I know im in for a rough 10 minutes then.

[p123]

This rings true for me with my Dad.

All he wants to do is moan and groan and make zero effort himself. He wants someone else to do it for him.
He wants to be number 1 priority and be important too. My problems mean nothing to him.