Teary & grateful for this space

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ArtLover

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Teary & grateful for this space
« on: June 20, 2021, 10:33:54 PM »
I need to express how grateful I am for this site, even though I donít need to use it right now. I also lack the energy right now to participate much, as I am very sick & trying to find local help, which is so hard without any family (all disowned by NM smearing me as having Munchausen & sabotaging anyone who tries to help).

I became very afraid, isolated, traumatized, and depressed by her terrifying behavior while I have been fighting for my life. I did not know where to turn bc she would retaliate and stalk me online, IRL, through third parties, anything.

It has been like living in a horror movie. I could not relate to a soul & no one could fathom this being real or know what to think, say, or do. The shock & shame made me so much sicker recently & so isolated, sad, & scared. So knowing there is a safe, anonymous place to relate to people and know I am not totally alone & uniquely cursed or at fault somehow is saving my sanity.

I have felt so terrorized, uncertain what to do, and so numb & alone. I can finally cry with a bit of relief at finding a supportive community. I feel incredibly overwhelmed, crazy, & guilty talking about it to other people on FB, where most of my social life has been due to being homebound/bedbound. Then I just feel more alienated and negative due to people not even understanding or responding. I end up feeling at fault somehow for the PTSD that resulted last year from her frightening stalking & retaliatory abuse.

She also got involved with sending people to stalk me on FB in support groups, then letting me know in various ways that she was aware of everything I posted. It was incredibly traumatic. Even using a fake profile on FB was not enough to keep away her trolls - I was not sophisticated enough back then to go totally incognito or imagine someone who is a widow & grandmother would engage in this behavior.


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ArtLover

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Re: Teary & grateful for this space
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2021, 10:44:34 PM »
Thank you again for this space, to everyone who donates their time & volunteers to keep it running. It feels like an absolute oasis to be able to interact safely with others. I felt so alone & crazy until now.

I know so many online forums moved over to FB in recent years. This was true of the health forum run by my dr for my rare medical condition. But the FB group ended up being trolled & hacked, the dr & everyone posting were harassed horribly.

So I knew better after that than to continue on FB with narcissism groups. I made one friend from a group I used to chat with off the site & the trolls connected to my abusive NM somehow tracked her down! It was unreal & so traumatic to realize this is how abusers use their time, to stalk & terrorize people, even using third parties when they are blocked on FB.

 

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ArtLover

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Re: Teary & grateful for this space
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2021, 11:01:38 PM »
I have been at this narcissism thing for decades, even before I knew it had a name.

I thought I was handling it all very well & have had tons of therapy & self education. I feel like an amateur forensic or abnormal psychologist by now - I have experienced every type of narc or antisocial type out there by now.

It just escalated so badly at my lowest point - to be expected, right? But I went back into some level of denial, wanting things to stabilize instead of continue escalating, just because I felt so educated on the subject matter.

I let my expertise & success make me feel overconfident in handling the main monster, my NM. Now I would put nothing past her, even criminal & illegal behavior, which has started.

Because nothing else worked on me - I was too inured and numb to being horrifically abused. I was too good at surviving and ignoring the horror of it all.

Never ever underestimate these monsters. They need to know they are having a terrible effect on you. Let them think you are suffering before they really make you suffer. At least the antisocial or malignant ones. I didn't realize I had a likely sociopath in my life - it is bone chilling and I should have realized it sooner, but I could not face it.
« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 11:03:38 PM by ArtLover »