Carrying fear in my body in the form of tension & submissive posture

[Oscen]

I've been realising lately that I'm almost always scared - surprisingly when I'm alone, and even more so around people.

I carry it inside my body - low, submissive posture and tension everywhere but especially back and arms, and most of all in my voice. I don't breathe deeply and so my voice can't settle and resonate. When I go to speak and feel unconfident, I feel tension not only in my diaphragm, but also in my throat, neck, shoulders and jaw. My voice almost always sits too high and too soft. A bit girlish. I never meant to take on this habit, but I'm afraid of intimidating others with my confidence and strength. I'm afraid of how they'll react if I appear confident - that it will trigger them to attack me. I know I was trained this way - to keep myself small and non-threatening - by my mother. Carrying these emotions and body language has been getting back lots of undesirable responses from others. I'll never control other people or their responses, but it's a relief to be working on me.

To avoid getting triggered, I'd also learned to filter out all the information coming at me - observing others' body language, facial expressions and the general tone and subtext around me, as well as all the information from my own body - the fear, anxiety, nerves, anger, irritation, the works. I'm learning to observe what's going on around me and inside me. I've been so blind and oblivious, and that has caused confusion, difficulty and pain, but it's a relief to finally see.  Doing emotional literacy exercises after reducing my inner critic / superego & reducing EFs have been the most helpful things. I've got my EFs and emotional reactions under enough control to be able to read & learn from books about social skills & body language that are intended for "normal", non-trauma carrying people, so that feels like a a real milestone and is opening so many possibilities.

I'm so happy to be in the position now where I have the tools & awareness to make change. I'm working on my posture, breathing and voice by creating a feeling of safety and security that is accessible to me for the majority of the time. Most of all, I look forward to being able to sing as I have always dreamed. I've always loved singing and even trained in it, but wasn't sufficiently aware of the trauma lurking in my body to be able to overcome my stage fright. I am visualising being able to relax, take deep breaths and feel safe, expand my body, and unfold my voice - resonant, expansive, expressive, and free. 
 

[athene1399]

I am glad you have the tools and awareness to make this change. It sounds like you have been putting a lot of work into this. Congrats!