The weight of regrets

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I.Matter

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The weight of regrets
« on: June 21, 2021, 12:39:47 PM »
I've been dealing with the weight of regrets.   I was disinherited and found out in December 2020.  My Mom passed in July 2020.  Everything was left to the GC- every single thing.  I get absolutely nothing not a photo, memento nothing.    I was and still am in shock.   I wanted a new start and I was going to use the inheritance  for a fresh start and finally move out of the state that I reside in.  At the time of the notice of disinheritance, i was unemployed and struggling financially, the money could have helped me.  I gained employment in Feb 2021.  So I was grieving 3 huge events at one time.  My mind is a mess.  I keep thinking that I should have done things differently and maybe I wouldn't have been disinherited or maybe my Mom would have loved me equally or maybe she did love me as I think of somethings that showed it?  I don't know anymore and it's tearing me up inside.   I tried my best and nothing I did was good enough or enough?   I go to sleep with the pain and wake up with the pain.   I can't get over thinking that I should have done things differently.  I feel stuck in the state that I reside in however I have no where to go!   I live alone and my social network is nothing with the exception of my virtual work buddies.  My older sister doesn't want me in her life.   I never imagined that my life would look like this.  I am NC with the GC and NC with the older sister. 

How can I deal with the weight of regrets?   How can I reframe this for peace of mind?  How do you move on for a better life?

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Adria

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Re: The weight of regrets
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2021, 05:05:17 PM »
I am so sorry I.Matter.

I am and have been exactly where you are right now.  NC from my family for decades.  Nobody told me my mom died.  I never received a photo, a memoir or anything. My two sisters walked away from me because they wanted my dad's millions.  I am disinherited as well.  I have struggled financially all my life because of my father.  He not only disinherited me, but also stole my house, my car, and tried to buy my children away from me with my inheritance.  Luckily, my children didn't bite.  No matter how hard I tried to be a good daughter, I was never good enough.  My sisters lied, cheated, stole from them, etc.  I was the good one and was never appreciated.  Because I didn't march to the beat of their drum is probably the reason  they loathed me.

My question to you is, and you don't have to say here, but are your regrets valid?  Did you do something horrible you regret? Or, are your regrets phantoms of . . . maybe if you did this, they would have loved you more, or maybe if you said that, they would have given you an inheritance, etc?  Is there really anything you could have done differently?  And, if there was, would it have made them treat you any better?  I doubt it. 

Even if you did do something awful that you regret, give yourself a break. We did not come from normal families.  Most of our time was spent trying to figure out what was wrong and just trying to survive.  You are only human. Nobody is perfect. 

I don't think anything you did or could have done differently would have changed the way you were treated if you were the SG as I am.  They will always frame you to look bad, wrong, ugly, not worthy, etc.  You could give them the moon, and they would take it from you while kicking dirt in your face. 

Maybe you will find comfort if you read through Luke 17:3 Ministries on line.  I felt like this woman really was able to put things down in writing that touched me and helped me heal.  At the very least she made me feel not so alone. 

Also, if you did something you are sorry for, you could write a letter to that person, or take it up with God and ask for forgiveness. Please don't keep beating yourself up.  IMHO there isn't much we could have done to make our families love us.  My mother used to tell me, "You can't make somebody love you."  It wasn't until I grew older that I realized she was saying that because she didn't love me, and I couldn't make her.

You sound like a very strong person. I'm sure you don't feel that way right now, but be patient with yourself as you try to heal this wound.  This is a big blow that will take time to process emotionally. I don't know if you are Christian or not, but this verse really helped me when I had nowhere to go: Psalm 27:10.  "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." I learned to rely on God, and although times were hard, He always came through when I needed him the most.

Read anything you can get your hands on about narc families and abuse.  It will help you weed through the swamp in your mind.  Some things are very difficult to come to terms with.  These things will take time.  However, don't blame yourself. I'm sure you tried to do the best you could with the circumstances you were steeped in.  Sometimes, we do better than other times, but really, who on this earth would know how to navigate the mirky waters we grew up in?  Take care and please know we are here for you at the forum.  Hugs, Adria

P.S. Also Jerry Wise has awesome online vides on these issues.  One that really spoke to me was "Building Up Your Ability to Go Without Love or Acceptance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUvN6iXTN8Q
Truly one of the best videos I've ever seen!!!
« Last Edit: June 21, 2021, 05:08:38 PM by Adria »

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bets

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Re: The weight of regrets
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2021, 02:44:17 AM »
I.Matter. I am so sorry.

I was also disinherited. It was about 20 years ago, and it still causes me pain, mostly because it destroyed my relationship with my brothers, who have ghosted me every since. They trauma bonded to my dad, I guess, or they just wanted his millions. In any event, they wanted nothing to do with me afterwards.

My situation might be slightly different, in that I blamed myself for everything that was wrong with my family, all day every day. My father was so insane and violent that it was never a choice to go NC with him--it was a necessity.

I never felt safe in the world when he was alive, although I did not see him after age 24 or so. I was his SC. He was extremely violent. There was no reason why. Even the flying monkeys around us could not come up with a reason why, because I was the opposite of a troublemaker (not that troublemakers deserve abuse!) I did my best to raise my younger brothers and to be their "parents." I made mistakes, of course, but was pretty good to them overall.

That's why it was a shock when they took the money and were OK with me, alone, being disinherited. Plus (and it took me years to see this), they were pretty mean to me in many other ways. I would just laugh or become confused. What a dope I was!

My situation is also different because I didn't need the money, I was secure financially. I'm so sorry you are stuck in your state when you want to move. I hope you are able to do so soon. You have a double whammy--you have the emotional pain of the disinheritance AND the financial pain of not getting money you thought you would be receiving.

I guess I don't have any words of advice, but please know you are not alone. And these feelings of regret you are feeling will pass. When my father died, I felt guilty for many months afterwards. It was an irrational guilt. I felt guilty because I had been too scared to go see him, and I  imagined he cared and was sad. That seems so ridiculous to me now. Your feelings of regret will feel ridiculous to you one day. Give yourself time. You can heal from this.