uNSIL sends DH strange birthday gifts

[Laurie]

DH had a birthday recently, and uNSIL sent him a video of her wedding that took place in 1992 (before DH and I were married so I could see what a stud he was back then), cake mix and cocoa mix (he is a type I diabetic and must carefully watch sugar intake) and some premium coffee.  The coffee is the only think he might like.

Because she is so touchy, he's thanked her profusely but is bewildered that she took so little thought as his birthday seemed to be more about her than about him (video of her wedding and cake mix that she likes).

Any suggestions?  I let him know he is not the the only one to have these frustrations.

[DistanceNotDefense]

My uNPD/uASPD sibling was like this. I'd get a flurry of gifts or suggestions about art, media, etc. to check out, but it was actually more like "you need to like these things I like" rather than the generosity and personal interest I wrongly interpreted it as for a long time.

When I stopped responding to these as she would have liked, she spent the next 4 years trying to destroy and work apart my life, career, marriage, friendships, and family relationships. That's what "poking the bear" and giving her honest feedback looked like for me and led to NC, but she is a malignant narcissist, maybe your SIL isn't as bad.

I sadly don't have any advice. People pleasing will continue to keep the peace, learning to simply ignore it without expressing anything to the SIL...maybe that could help too without any blowouts, especially if your husband can always do so calmly.

Speaking your mind about it, or even setting boundaries however, might make you see a side of her you've never seen before, and the boundary work could get exhausting...but be worth it if these gifts are really damaging to a feeling of well-being.

It may be mild in comparison or just as gruesome as how my sibling reacted. But if she's already touchy about being a very insensitive gift giver, my guess is being critical of that will probably burst her bubble.

But you and your husband know her best.

[helpmeplease]

I have had all of this from my in laws.  Passive aggressive gift giving. Often the choices are deliberate and calculated to make a point, either to convey their dislike of you or your choices. Maybe to make fun of your opinions or to ridicule your health concerns. The video is her way of saying I knew him first and I had a relationship with him first. We are closer than you etc. It's all a weird  form of jealously and control and enmeshment.

[helpmeplease]

I just had another thought, often these gifts are because they have not given your present any thought, they can't be bothered or they begrudge spending money on you. I can give you some examples. I once caught my SIL gleefully looking at my swollen legs(due to ill health). I could only get socks on and they were very small, too small. Next Christmas she bought me minute Christmas socks that were even smaller than the ones I had on, bright red where as I favour darker colours. I was stunned and hurt. She said I got those because you have little feet- obviously not true. She also bought her mother who hated me a cushion with all the family's faces on it. My photo was the largest right in the middle and it was a particularly horrible phot of me when I was ill. That was a nice dig at me and also her mother who she hated.  My cousin regularly buys me and my mother almost dead half price flowers for our birthdays with alcohol that we can't drink. A family friend once gave me a stained second hand make up bag that she got from her ladies club raffle. Often the birthday cards or Christmas cards will be really horrible too. For my first Christmas present my ex gave me their dilapidated almost broken old video recorder that they had in the cupboard. If you say anything they will call you ungrateful.
It's best to ignore it say nothing and just bin them. They get no supply or attention then. 

[nillah]

This sounds quite frustrating and confusing, Laurie. But it also sounds familiar as I've received rather strange gifts from my PD SIL as well (though nothing quite as calculated as a wedding photo).

My SIL send me a college-style textbook on global policy for women's rights--nothing that we had ever discussed before, nothing that is relevant for our jobs or any other immediate spaces in our lives. It really came out of nowhere and was not a particularly readable book either. I know she's not much of an intellectual person herself, so I knew she hadn't read it either. Catch this: the title of the books is "Money, Power & SEX" with the latter word in big bold colorful letters. So my guess is that she bought it based on the title and had no idea what's inside.

YET: she insisted that I send her a message to thank her for the b-day present. I was late to do so because I was confused it and discussing it with my husband, and she made sure to contact him to "ask" about why I hadn't thanked her for her gift. :|

All this to say, the gift-giving was ultimately about her. She wanted to be recognised for being generous (even though her generosity was questionable). So try not to take the gifts too personally, or really her behavior.

What to do: my advice is to try and keep as much distance from her as you can. (A) You can politely thank her but avoid making any comments about how you feel about the gift, and just try to keep contact minimal all together. She will likely try to find ways to insert herself back by making comments or random inquiries because she wants the attention... so you'll likely get frustrated by some other incident in the future. (B) You could also just simply not say anything and carry on with your life.
I know it's not easy, I've had to learn all this the hard way.

[Alexmom]

My MIL used to give me mops and cleaning supplies for my birthday.  She had a 10 level requirement with cleanliness and never thought I kept my home clean enough, so this was how she handled her disapproval.   With these problematic relationships, "gifts" can be almost weaponized and used to criticize or shame the recipient or make it about the gift giver instead of the recipient.   

When it came to my MIL's gifts, I would either toss them, donate them or return them, especially if they came with a strong message such as the cleaning supplies, and I learned to just move on as in the end this was so much about my MIL and her pettiness and had little to do with me.

My suggestion for your husband would be to get rid of any of the "gifts" that he did not appreciate receiving from his sister and say nothing more to her.

[Laurie]

Thanks everyone!  She sent an email asking if we had watched the video, and we sent a brief reply.  DH is still peeved, but seems to have settled down.  Usually her gifts can be a bit off, but not as odd as this year's.