wait, there's more...

[Pepin]

I am gearing up for the inevitable.....BIL and his family will be in town later this summer.  DH kind of mentioned that we should have them over....and in a sense, he is right about possibly extending an invite because with *good* people that is what you do when they are in town.  Have them over for a meal and some catch up time.

But BIL isn't what I would call *good* people.  This is the brother of DH's that collects checks while DH does the work on a business they own together.  This is the brother that largely ignores DPD MIL (yup, I get it) and lives his life on his terms.  DPD MIL whines about not hearing from him which is ridiculous.  But, like a dutiful son, he has to at least see her every once in a while with his family.....and the only reason for that is to show them off.  BIL has the one son to carry on the family name that is considered to be the GC to DPD MIL.  He can have whatever he wants.  His sister on the other hand is invisible.  Both of them don't care for DPD MIL....because her ranking of them is awkward.  They usually don't say much in her presence but they tolerate her for the sake of their dad. 

BIL's wife is no better.  DPD MIL considers her a major threat to anything BIL will inherit.  She has rigged her will and estate plans to try and go around BIL's wife but good luck with that.  SIL is one of those flashy types....gotta have that designer bag, expensive jewelry and watches, etc.  She listens very closely and watches everything and makes it her mission to one up EVERYONE.  The less she knows, the better.  Don't tell her what you drive, what trips you take - don't show her anything of value or even your home.  This is the woman that visited us at our new home and right off the bat said she loved our neighbor's house....couldn't say one nice thing about anything in our home.  Not even a color she liked, throw pillow, meal we served, whatever. 

Do I want these people with DPD MIL in tow at my house?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  I am going to push hard to have it so that we meet offsite or at DPD MIL's house.  Don't need BIL and his wife sniffing around our home trying to one up us.  Ugh.  Sheesh.  DH's family is just filled with PDs.

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't blame you at all for not wanting them in your home. Just one would be exhausting enough, but to have to put up with both of them? (And possibly MIL, too????) No thanks!

[Pepin]

I don't blame you at all for not wanting them in your home. Just one would be exhausting enough, but to have to put up with both of them? (And possibly MIL, too????) No thanks!

Thanks and yeah, DPD MIL will of course be in tow since BIL will be staying at her house.  We have to be even more careful that DH's sister doesn't get wind of this possible gathering....she and her husband are even worse.  I feel sick to my stomach thinking about this.  Thankfully DH isn't that close to his sister anymore because of her super NPD husband (who is freaking scary) but DPD MIL and BIL are jabber jaws...I can't handle this if it becomes a big thing.  I don't need to host a family reunion because then everyone else will want to come as well.   

[Pepin]

Ugh.  My anxiety is increasing each day as we inch closer to August when BIL and his family will be in town.  I've talked with the teens and they are now aware of this possibility of us hosting a dinner with people we don't feel are worthy of being guests in our home.  For me that will entail no alcohol like I have done when hosting DPD MIL so I can be alert and ready to squash any bad behavior.  The teens sadly will have to be mostly present since two of their cousins will also be there - meaning that the teens cannot seek refuge in the bedrooms and then appear to eat and have short chats here and there.  All bedroom doors will be closed to prevent snooping.  The garage will also be off limits from prying eyes.  If the dinner happens, I will prep as much as possible so that we can quickly eat and get everyone sent off before they get too comfy.  I think this is the only way I can survive an ordeal like this.  I will absolutely be on my best game deflecting and shutting down anything I find offensive or attacking.  I will be asking for clarity if I feel that any comments are fishing and back handed comments will be returned with a nice bow on them. 

On the other hand, I am going to try REAL HARD to see if we can just do this at DPD MIL's house.  But my list of reasons to present to DH is only at one line item: because I don't want to.  Coming up with something that he would agree with is going to be terribly hard.  Honestly it would be easier to have it at DPD MIL's house because of her mobility.  I think it would give the teens and their teen cousins more flexibility as well and reduce the awkwardness.  DH seems to have it in his head that our teens get along with their cousins and that is a 100% NO, they don't.  Throwing teens together is always a very bad idea and can result in moodiness and scowls from all involved.  And that being said, one of the cousins is the appointed male GC in the family, too!!!  This is awkward for him and all the cousins.  His sister is invisible - maybe even more than my teens since DH is the head GC in the entire extended family.  My kids have slight clout....but still get treated poorly from DPD MIL because they are female.  Anyhoo.....good freaking times.  So tired of these stupid circus games every year. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm gearing up for a similar visit in September, so I totally know where you're coming from. It's a daily struggle to not allow myself to get sucked into a vortex of anxiety and negativity over it. Blech.

I would think the mobility issue would be the *perfect* excuse to hold the event at MIL's house. "Oh, H, this kind of thing is so taxing on MIL. All the traveling back and forth. And she seems so much more comfortable when she's in her own home. I think it would be a lot easier on her if we had it at her place." 

[Andeza]

Yes, anything to get it out of your house. And insist on separate vehicles so you and the kids aren't stuck there for heaven knows how long tolerating potential abuse. Plan an errand afterward if needed so you have a legitimate reason.

[Fiasco]

This sounds like the exact thing restaurants are for. A lot of places even have group or party rooms you can reserve so you're not confined to your chair and people who actually like each other can mingle.

[Pepin]

This sounds like the exact thing restaurants are for. A lot of places even have group or party rooms you can reserve so you're not confined to your chair and people who actually like each other can mingle.

Actually this is something we have done before.  The problem however is that most times in restaurants it gets very loud.  And when our gatherings have been large, certain family members sit near each other in a group making it difficult for others to interact.  Our extended family is actually quite cliquey with each other - especially the cousins, though my teens are not a part of this and usually end up being left out anyway.  Usually, DH always ends up sitting next to DPD MIL and it is awkward for me to sit next to him when I'd rather not -- but it is like a game of musical chairs when we go out because no one wants to really sit next to her since it is like talking to a wall.  She just sits there while everything else goes on around her.  She is terrible with conversation. 

DH has been frustrated when we gather in restaurants because of how divisive everyone is.  His mother hasn't made it easy for family members to get along.  She is clearly the center of all of this.

[Fiasco]

I hear you, sounds like a nightmare now matter how it's planned. Respectfully, if other people have a crummy time due to factors out of your control, that's not really your problem. And if you're making yourself miserable so you can try to control a whole messy family into having a better time than they would without your help, well, that's at least something interesting to think about. The level of readiness you describe needing to have (no alcohol, locked doors, being ready to pounce on any behavior you find hurtful) sounds like a misery inducing flood of adrenaline.

[Pepin]

I hear you, sounds like a nightmare now matter how it's planned. Respectfully, if other people have a crummy time due to factors out of your control, that's not really your problem. And if you're making yourself miserable so you can try to control a whole messy family into having a better time than they would without your help, well, that's at least something interesting to think about. The level of readiness you describe needing to have (no alcohol, locked doors, being ready to pounce on any behavior you find hurtful) sounds like a misery inducing flood of adrenaline.

Yes, it is a misery inducing way to operate.  But I see no other way.  I must be prepared as if my survival depends on it.  I've been burned so many times that I just don't have any other options left.  And no one is going to hurt my kids on our turf if I can help it.  If DH can't protect us, I will do it.

[Pepin]

Crikey.  They are almost here.  DH says that there are parts of our home that must be accessible to these people and that leaves me feeling nauseated to my core.  SIL and BIL are going to seethe with anger when they see something that we have that they don't have.  And it is going to spread like freaking wildfire throughout the rest of the extended family.  On the other hand, the cat will be out of the bag and everyone will know exactly what DH is capable of providing himself with - due to his hard work and wise financial practices.  SIL and BIL are the kind of people to keep up with others and their competitiveness drives them to make stupid mistakes that leave them with increasing mountains of debt.  I am proud to say that we own what we have free and clear.  Ok guys I have to psyche myself up for this upcoming hell.  Wish me luck.  It will be over in a few hours.

[Andeza]

Hah! Let them say whatever the heck they want to say. It doesn't matter in the end. If they want to whine and complain because you and your DH have done well in life, rather than learn from those who clearly have their act together, then there's nothing for it. If you want to be wise, learn from the wise. If you want to be wealthy, learn from the wealthy. If you scoff at wisdom and wealth, you'll have neither.

Good luck, Pepin. You are above the madding crowd tonight. You are serenity in the flesh.

[Cat of the Canals]

I hope you got through it OK, Pepin. And I hope you'll have plenty of time to unwind afterward.

[Pepin]

Well.  It took me a few days to decompress from this.  While the interactions were highly stressful, they were also successful for me.  SIL was her usual competitive self and was met by me with: uh-huh, yeah, sure, ok, I see, etc.  Any time she mentioned something that I could insert facts into, I did and I would steam roll over her to speak what I knew.  She tried so hard!  But I was prepared and ready.  I did a lot of rehearsing.

DPD MIL....what a major piece of work.  She deserves and academy award for her performance.      Best acting ever this time with BIL and SIL around.  She made herself so frail that she could have crumpled like a deck of cards at any given moment.  BIL and SIL were holding DPD MIL accountable over every single waif thing she tried.  They pushed her to the max because they didn't believe her.  DPD MIL was acting her best in order to be fawned over and they weren't having it.  They refused to treat her like a child and there was no enabling of any kind by them -- and I applauded that. 

DPD MIL was also largely ignored by everyone except DH sort of.  None of the grandkids flocked to her side (ours or BIL and SIL's).  They more or less saw right through DPD MIL and were embarrassed.  SIL obviously wasn't giving DPD MIL the time of day so there wasn't much interaction except when SIL had to speak up and "correct" DPD MIL.  I think BIL was actually kind of overwhelmed since it is his mother and I know that both him and SIL are glad they live far away so as to not have to deal with the DPD MIL mess like DH does.

And wouldn't you know it, DPD MIL perked up and became full of life as soon as SIL and BIL were gone.  Unbelievable.  That being said, not having see DPD MIL for a few months now, she absolutely needs to be in assisted living.  No doubt about it.  She is an absolute danger to herself living alone like that.  Hopefully DH and his brother can sort this out after the dust settles.

And yes, BIL and SIL saw something we have that they don't have....and of course they scraped up some stuff to compete with it -- and I just giggled because they have nothing that compares.  And they never will.  *sigh* 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well done. Phew. Even if BIL and SIL won the lottery and got ten of that thing... good for them. It's too bad when people are insecure about what they have vs. what other people have. For me it goes the other way, I get embarrassed when I'm in your position of people who have less in some way or another see something that I have. Unless it's a truly loving relationship (and friendship counts!) and then it just stops mattering. No need to compete when you are secure in yourself and your relationships. You can relate as equals, because you ARE, regardless of externals. It's amazing.

[Pepin]

Well done. Phew. Even if BIL and SIL won the lottery and got ten of that thing... good for them. It's too bad when people are insecure about what they have vs. what other people have. For me it goes the other way, I get embarrassed when I'm in your position of people who have less in some way or another see something that I have. Unless it's a truly loving relationship (and friendship counts!) and then it just stops mattering. No need to compete when you are secure in yourself and your relationships. You can relate as equals, because you ARE, regardless of externals. It's amazing.

The thing is that I am pretty sure BIL and SIL have more than we do -- it is just that they don't have the same things as us.  They spend their money differently but they still want to have what we have if we have made different choices.  It's like they think," why didn't I think of that?  I could have that, too."  They just don't like ever feeling like they are less than.  I have spent my entire life living amongst people that have more than I do.  When I was younger I was embarrassed.  As an adult, I have learned to stay in my own lane and to live the best with what I have.