I'm at a hotel

Started by Jsinjin, June 27, 2021, 09:46:59 PM

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Andeza

Ultimately, I've got to throw this one back to financial advice I've received in the past that was extremely sound. Any time you're dealing with an intense, emotional situation, that is NOT the time to make large financial decisions. Those large, financial decisions ought to be pushed back by at least six months if at all possible.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

notrightinthehead

Quote from: Jsinjin on July 03, 2021, 10:57:57 AM
I'm at my family's (mom and sisters) homes south of Austin in the hill country.   I've been looking at houses here.   I'm avoiding her.
You are doing amazingly well that you still are staying away!  Now you might consider calling your company and tell them that your bank account has changed. Then you could tell them to transfer your salary to the bank account that your wife has no access to.  That way you re-gain some control over your life.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Lauren17

I strongly suggest talking to an attorney before making any financial moves, be it purchasing a home, or transferring funds.
I just had this conversation with my attorney and I was surprised at the restrictions.
I've cried a thousand rivers. And now I'm swimming for the shore" (adapted from I'll be there for you)

Kat54

Jsinjin, glad to hear you are out of your home and thinking of your self right now. Wishing you all the best.

Jsinjin

I'm not really worried about finances.   She will be fine in a divorce and I will as well.   The home we live in is a fine one and there isn't a mortgage on it.  I'm sure she would get half of the retirement and probably a settlement.   We live in Texas so it's typically no fault.   I've been diversifying into real estate quite a bit lately. 

But I do appreciate the advice.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

pushit

Given your job and financial situation, I'm certain you're a knowledgeable person regarding laws and contracts.  But get some legal advice if you haven't yet.
Speaking from the other side of divorce - Family law moves in weird ways at times.  Just make sure you're not surprised by something you shouldn't have been surprised by.

I have to say I love the confidence I see in your last post.  Stay strong, brother.

Jsinjin

Thanks all.   Yes I do have an attorney and lots of rather nice but nasty attorneys in my extended family with whom I've been talking.  My extended family is tired of this merry go round and is helping me navigate this. 

My biggest problem isn't finances and I'm rather impassionate about money (I'm very sensitive to others situations in this forum and in life), it's about my tendency to have enormous guilt and fear of her wrapped up together or in bursts between those.

She was bawling about something that shouldn't even be an issue (getting a rental car for a college visit she has with our son next week) and at the same time explosively angry about problems with tiny things.   

My life and career have been focused on very large problem solving particularly when big systems go really bad.   So when there is a crisis I go into solve mode.   But a crisis for her is that someone loaded the cups into the "wrong" side of the top dishwasher rack or a kid chooses not to take their AP chemistry exam because the have a solid A in the class and the exam is very hard to pass and they don't intend to study chemistry in college and they don't want to go to a college that accepts AP credit.   Those kinds of things (behaviors) are all the time and almost any time there is a peaceful lull.   I know this bugger of a decision throws 20 plus years of her emotional control our the window and this is a woman who never spoke to her dad after he divorced her mom (same problems) despite crying for years about missing her father even to his dear because "he broke a promise".

I've dealt with difficult people, had to "negotiate" at the board table, had to help make clients satisfied, had to build relationships and do many emotional things but I've never been able to get to a point where she seems happy about things in life.   And that sort of sucks me back in.

Sorry for the long post.   That's my problem.  It's not finances or the ability to make decisions.  I have problems not solving and she is one of the only people in my life who consistently makes no win situations.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

pushit

Glad to hear you're getting legal advice.  Your prior posts sounded like you were making emotional decisions, which is what I was warning against.

There are many parallels between your situation and mine.  I'm also a problem solver by nature, and in my career.  My exPDw is also a person that manufactures chaos and presents problems (not actual problems) for others to solve.

This will sound incredibly simplistic, but it all comes down to whether or not you choose to be the caretaker anymore.  The problems won't stop, that person will never change, and you will never be able to solve all the problems to make her happy.  Once you realize that the decision is easy.

When you negotiate big decisions at work I'm guessing you expect the people on the other side of the table to act like adults and hold up their end of the bargain, right?  There is no reason not to expect the same thing from your spouse.  When I realized I would never allow my coworkers/colleagues/clients to treat me the same way I allowed my wife to treat me that opened my eyes. 

I decided a few years ago that I was done trying to solve everything.  That decision ultimately led to the end of my marriage, but I was fine with that because it wasn't a marriage if I had to run around plugging all the holes in the ship while she created more.  Today, I sit watching her family run around and try to plug the ship.  Nothing has changed.  I place my ex's problems back in her court to solve, so she just found someone else to help her.  All it came down to was me no longer wanting to babysit a 50 year old woman, and wanting the ability to live my life.  The switch that needed to flip was me realizing that I needed to change my reactions to her behavior and stop trying to get her to change.

Free2Bme

 :yeahthat:

I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything.   It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable.   When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues,  I was able to get some traction.

Discerning healthy guilt is important too.  You are not responsible for your spouses behavior.

You are blessed to have family support. 
Hopefully you can create some space for yourself as you process everything,
the south Austin/Hill Country area is beautiful.








Poison Ivy

"I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything.   It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable.   When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues,  I was able to get some traction."  This has been true for me, too.

Stillirise

I've been off the grid for several days, so I'm just catching up on this one! Wow! I'm so impressed at the bold steps you've taken toward your freedom, and a new, stable life for yourself and your children! You have been so supportive of me as I went though this process.  You sound strong right now, and ready to clear the next hurdles.  I just wanted to say I'm over here cheering for you!
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
—Maya Angelou

Jsinjin

Quote from: Poison Ivy on July 05, 2021, 11:59:30 AM
"I am uncomfortable with feeling powerless so I convince myself I can fix anything.   It is very painful to accept that some things/people/issues are not solvable.   When I accepted that no amount of guilt/fear/capitulation was going to change my former spouse or our marriage issues,  I was able to get some traction."  This has been true for me, too.

It's funny but since I met her many years ago, she was the first person in my whole life sphere who had a fatalistic "unsolvable" type of view.   Things in her world were always at a point where they were impossible to solve or even have a best case.  And I've dealt with that for too long.   From kids activities to relationships with others to homes or work we always had a view of the worst case was happening and there was no win or solution.

Some things in live are inevitable: you get a ticket for traffic and you pay the fine and do defensive driving.  But some things aren't the end of the world.   

I've tried and spent my life racing from one mess to another.

I'm tired of that.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

Free2Bme

This brings something to mind about my updxh.  He would regularly lose his s*** on the kids for a real or perceived offense.  There were no misdemeanor crimes, only felony offenses. 

If there was not evidence to make a case against a child (or me), then he would fabricate one.  He would escalate the situation until we were in a state of utter chaos. 

Ex:
Saturday chores.  Child (usually SG) is asked to sort minutia in junk drawer.  Not done to dads standards, so child is criticized.  Child defends and explains why they are doing the task in a particular way.  Dad accuses child of "lying" and trying to "slack on the job", then escalates saying child is just "wasting time", yells some more.  Child complies and tries to hurry but drops something, is then accused of being "careless".  Child apologizes, defends himself but the barrage continues and criticized for "making excuses".  Child starts to cry or push back.  Child is accused of being "disrespectful" and punishment is handed down.  I step in to diffuse the situation and the eye of Sauron lands on me.  He towers over me shouting.  Other 3 kids get involved. Everyone is crying.  If I comforted crying children, I was accused of turning them against him.  He calls a family meeting and demands we admit  what we did wrong.   
:stars:

I share this to say that after being out of the chaos for 5 years, the silence is golden.  I never imagined how deep I was in it until I was looking back.  I am fiercely protective of the peace I have in my life now.