I'm at a hotel

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Jsinjin

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I'm at a hotel
« on: June 28, 2021, 12:46:59 AM »
Its my son's 18th birthday.   I did all the planning; simple surprise  party with his friends at a local park with beach volleyball.   I bought watermelon and soft drinks and waters and got help getting sandwiches and cupcakes and we got there and it was watching everything that happened and everything I did and being violently angry at the people nearby playing loud music or insisting to others who sat in a picnic table that "we reserved this pavilion".   But then when we got home I was cursed at by my daughter then her.  It just wouldn't stop.   I left.  I had to get away.   I just left.   I won't even be there when my son gets home.  I want to be a better person.  I want to be treated well and not be assumed that I'm messing things up.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2021, 01:06:59 AM »
I'm sorry your wife and daughter treated you badly, especially on this special day for your son. I think you made a wise choice in leaving and going to a hotel.

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JustKeepTrying

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2021, 01:30:44 AM »
Oh jsinjin, this really sucks.

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Bunnyme

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2021, 02:38:57 AM »
I'm glad you were able to take a step back from the situation, but I'm sorry you are going through this...especially on your son's birthday. 

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2021, 02:47:19 AM »
Well done ! How brave of you!  You deserve to be treated with kindness and politely. Nobody should curse at you for trying to do something nice. I am so glad you took a stand and decided to take care of yourself and protect yourself from further injury - for once!  Please keep on protecting yourself.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2021, 03:43:55 AM »
Jsinjin, Way to go my friend! I am proud of your non- acceptance of abusive treatment.
I can imagine how hard this is for you right now and how all over the place you must be feeling!
Please know that you are doing the right thing.
Try taking some deep, slow, calming breaths and do whatever you can to get centered and stay there.
Try not to let irrational thoughts or  anxieties creep in.
I'm sending you strength and encouragement.
~BC

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SonofThunder

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2021, 09:28:57 AM »
Jsinjin, Im sorry you experienced this from your wife and daughter.  Do you and your son have any shared interests, outside the home, that the two ladies do not enjoy?  If so, consider inviting your son ASAP for a dad & son special event where you take a day/weekend to have fun together, putting this derailed birthday party behind you.  Again sorry the PDwife made it about her. 

I have had these proactive outside interests with both my daughter and my son for many years, and still make it a point to periodically plan individual outings for 1-on-1 time, even though they are both married.  What helps accomplish this without too much drama (except my uPDw hates to spend the night alone in the house, but shes adult so deal with it!), is to encourage this same thing for my uPDwife to do with each child.  By encouraging my wife, it also makes it fair game for me, so drama regarding the proactivity is pointless since shes encouraged to be proactive also. 

My son is now 28 and married, but weve been doing these purposeful dad/son events since he was in middle school, so I can get PD-removed, one-on-one time with him.  My son and I recently, before COVID, went to a 2-day fly fishing school in another state and it was a blast.  My adult daughter (24 yr old) got married last year and she and I have also been doing things regularly since grade school.  We now, 1x per week, meet very early morning for dad/daughter coffee dates, and the year before her wedding, we took a dad/daughter long weekend together to Disneyworld and did the parks and water parks.  Such a blast!   

So I encourage you to think about shared interests you enjoy with each child.  Make sure those shared interests are not interests that your PDwife enjoys, or she may try and make it difficult for you to go solo.  That may have to be creative with your daughter and may need to be a dad/daughter interest in a new hobby that you both can learn together, but again make sure its an interest that your wife would not enjoy.   

I can tell you from experience that these events are not only precious, but extremely helpful for both you and your child, as the binds between you will grow, but also your child will begin to recognize (without you discussing it at all = leave all discussion of PDmom/traits/past experiences at home) how peaceful and non-drama their time with dad can be.  They need to recognize and process this on their own, not by your trying to teach them.   Teaching them can backfire because of the natural mom/child bond and the other spouse badmouthing the other parent, rarely goes as planned, and not only makes things uncomfortable, by them feeling in the middle, but it can turn against you by their natural self-defense of the other parent. 

Again, simply having a great, relaxed, no drama peaceful one-on-one outing together is the goal.  Enough of these type outings and the child will learn that life CAN be different. 

SoT
« Last Edit: June 28, 2021, 09:36:56 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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square

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2021, 10:02:53 AM »
Im so sorry this happened, jsinjin. But am very glad you refused to take it.

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Kat54

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2021, 03:45:14 PM »
Im so sorry Jsinjin, but what a huge step for you. You deserve so much better and glad to see you are taking some steps toward that goal of creating something better for yourself.

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Boat Babe

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2021, 06:07:58 PM »
I feel for you Jsinjin, that's horrible abuse. So very toxic. You've had some great advice above. I'd add that journaling right now would be incredibly helpful to you. I did it a lot when in the eye of the storm after leaving exuPDbf one and exuPDbf 2 (and some other fucked up people who weren't PDs but deffo had issues. My bad!) Getting it on paper saved my life some nights.

We are your support group Jsinjin and we are holding you in our hearts right now.
It gets better. It has to.

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pushit

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2021, 06:58:28 PM »
Good on you for having the courage to step away from the chaos. 

Collect yourself and take whatever peaceful time away that you need, to decide how you want to handle things moving forward.  One thought on this situation is you should be wary of attempts to lure you back right away.  Could be guilt about how your actions are impacting the family, could be false promises about how she has changed.  If you have to, shut off your phone or block numbers.  If you decide to go back - do it when you are ready, not when you feel like you have to.

We're in your corner.

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Lauren17

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2021, 07:22:10 PM »
I'm sorry to hear that you've faced some tough times with your wife and daughter.
I'm cheering for you and the courage that you displayed in calmly separating yourself from the situation.
Stay strong, be kind to yourself.  You can do this!
Im no quitter, but I finally quit living on dreams. Im hungry for laughter and here ever after, Im after whatever this other life brings.
-Kenny Rogers

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Kat54

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2021, 09:25:35 PM »
And what Boat Babe and Pushit said above. Be very careful about being lured back in. This has to be about you right now. Journaling was a life saver for me. I still do when I feel anxious and it helps to just splash all the words and thoughts onto paper.
And I know we are strangers to you but reach out to this board,  We are in your corner. Stay strong, you can do this.

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Free2Bme

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2021, 05:12:31 PM »
jsinjin,

So sorry for the latest episode, it's very sad that she behaves this way towards you and the children.  Reprehensible.  :no:

It speaks well of you that you left, sends a clear message that you are the healthier party (whether DD can see it right now or not). 

Others have good suggestions here, I would say block updw on your phone, but not the kids. 

Most importantly, the journaling.  When I would try and journal after a traumatic event sometimes my brain wouldn't cooperate and would just go blank.  IME, its super important to push through the dissonance and journal because it can become a lifeline to strengthen you. 

You are not alone, folks here understand and are on your side.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2021, 06:58:17 PM »
Wow it stinks.

You still trying to do right by the kids and for the family unit. Taking more and more abuse on your shoulders, holding back on the natural human responses to such angering garbage being flung your way.   Then watching a birthday be ruined just so the perpetrator can further abuse you.

Yes, very glad you took the time away from more of this.

I agree with SOT, take separate time with those who need and appreciate it.  Don't feed the trolls as they say online.
And the kids deserve time with you that is not derailed, contentious and embarrassing or worse for them.


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Bunnyme

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2021, 07:31:23 PM »
How are you doing? 

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2nice

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2021, 08:32:09 AM »
The big events are always the ones that they seem to amp up at. So upsetting. Sounds like you tried to make it a really nice time

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Jsinjin

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2021, 01:57:57 PM »
I'm at my family's (mom and sisters) homes south of Austin in the hill country.   I've been looking at houses here.   I'm avoiding her.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Andeza

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2021, 02:45:15 PM »
Given the complexity of your situation, I might recommend not buying anything right now and just renting a place. Keep things in your life simple until you know how it'll work out. It may take some of the stress off too. Additionally, it's easier to get out of a rental than a purchase if you decide you don't like or need it.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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pushit

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Re: I'm at a hotel
« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2021, 03:28:25 PM »
I was just going to jump in and say the same thing as Andeza.  I'd highly recommend renting for right now too.  You may have already considered this, but any home purchases made while married are going to be considered marital property during a divorce, so your wife would be entitled to half the equity.  At least that's how it works in my location.

Sounds like a good time to get some legal advice if you haven't already done so.

One foot in front of the other, you've got this.